Need Needles?

If I never see another needle again, I think I'd be happy. I've had 5 spinal taps (2 unsuccessful/partially successful), a thyroid biopsy (2 doctors-1 failed), steroid injections all over my head (? Sort of successful/complications), and today had injections into the back of my head/neck/occipital nerves(1/2 good, 1/2 bad). On the right side he accidentally got a blood vessel, but it wasn't bad. The left side however was different. Immediately the pain increased and I'm happy to be home and in bed. We move tomorrow (some stuff to one house and the other to my in law's house). My timing tends to not be great. :) haha

I would be happy to never have another needle stuck into my body with parts being drawn out. But, I am also grateful for modern medicine. 

I've had some extreme medications, diets, and advice from medical professionals over the 18 years of my health journey. But, I tend to get worse and deplete my resources. 

Currently I'm on the following medications usually prescribed for:::

• Thyroid 
• Depression
• Insulin Resistance (PCOS, not diabetes)
• Parkinson's/Persistent Vegetative State (MS fatigue)
• Seizures (nerve pain)
• Vitamins for malabsorption (ever since that doc messed up, I started to die, with my intestines being the first to shut down)

I went to this Ophthalmologist because he thought my Occipital Neuralgia would get better. It didn't. For YEARS I've had stabbing pains throughout my body (ovaries, ribs, stomach/intestines, head, gall bladder {got that one out, though, happy dance💃}). But, for a year now I've had hair falling out, stabbing eye/face/head pains, swelling, increased pain, nausea, dizziness, and worsening fatigue off an on (plus the other hyperthyroid issues). The last 3-4 months my pain has been so intense that I can't concentrate on conversations. I prefer to write because I can take breaks, reread, have it read to me, or come back when I'm doing okay. Most of the time when someone is talking to me, I can only take in a portion of what they said. The rest of the time I am SO focused on breathing, not vomiting, standing up, seeing, and hearing. All very basic things for everyone, but not me. One of my nerve pain/seizure medications took most of the pain away, but the other issues increased to the point of not being able to function. It's been extremely difficult for me because I LOVE being connected to others, listening to them, sympathizing and offering support. But, truth be told the last several months I've struggled selfishly, because I can only offer that in full when I've read it or I try to overcompensate by sharing something in my life that can relate to the small piece of what I heard. In the end I have talked more about me than I'm used to. Sorry!! I really am trying to listen. :) Thank you for being patient through my faux pas and forgetfulness. Bless you for your patience with me. :) 

I usually don't take pain medications. I've had pain, nausea and fatigue every day for 18 years and managed okay. (Okayish once I got pregnant). But the past year I've reached the point where I can't function. So, I'm on meds that are causing problems. 

Some people say eating a WHOLE FOOD, PLANT BASED diet/way of eating is EXTREME. I say trying all these tests, medications, surgeries, interventions, and specialists all while getting worse and more and MORE diseases is EXTREME. Why not jump the last of the way in? I've gone 1 month with no meat and after Mother's Day I will cut out 

• Sugar
• Dairy
• Eggs
• Possibly Oil

Let's just see if it improves things. If not, no biggie. Everything else isn't working too well. It can't hurt things (I will continue my B12 and Vitamin D). 

{{{And in case you're an unlicensed Doctor ready to prescribe your own regimen and advice...plants have protein. 1 cup navy beans = 1 sausage link + 2 pieces of bacon + 1 hotdog. I'm not worried. Calcium also is found in plants. There's great research available supporting a reversal of heart disease and symptoms of autoimmune diseases and even preventing cancer on a WOW (Word of Wisdom) / WFPB diet/way of eating.  :) }}}

Benign

I've had some of the same problems lately that I had all last year, but some new ones too!

• Feeling like I swallowed a rock that won't go away.
• Trouble breathing
• Irregular heartbeat
• Increased anxiety and depression
• Trouble concentrating (The last two times I taught RS, I noticed I couldn't follow someone's comments longer than the beginning statement or two. It takes EXTRA energy to focus on breathing, not passing out, seeing, not vomiting and standing).
• Insomnia
• Burning from the neck up and freezing from my arms down
• Increased weakness and fatigue
• Severe nausea
• Shakiness
• Increased appetite
• Hair falling out a little more
• (Plus all my regular stuff...stabbing pains, heat intolerance, walking issues, vision/hearing, etc)

All last year I had doctor after doctor say, "There is definitely something wrong with you, but I'm stumped/don't know what to do." Each doctor I would ask, "I feel like my hormones are off," and they'd respond, "Oh, I'm SURE your hormones are off. But, I wouldn't know what to do if we tested them. Take this..." ($100 cream, birth control, nausea pill to counteract the side effects, steroid injectections into my head, etc). Since I had no insurance for a while and then insurance that only covered doctors in my town (and NO endocrinologist in the town and only ONE dermatologist), I had to wait. I went to my family doctor and told him I wanted a referral to an endocrinologist and had done my research. I gave them the number and info. But, I had to push off my November appointment and move it to February. 

I almost didn't go to the endocrinologist, but felt like I should. I was surprised when the doctor called in another doctor. They both felt growths on my thyroid and lined up tests to check for cancer. One doctor hurried to see if they could fit me in that day. No luck. I knew my uncle and aunt had their thyroids removed (one fully, one half), but didn't know the specifics. The endocrinologists said I needed to do an ultrasound, but the tech makes a big difference. So, I had to come back to KC to do it. (3 hour drive one way). It's been lots of tests, waiting, tests, waiting. I learned that my aunt, cousin, uncle and grandma had to have their thyroid taken out. Humph. I also learned that for the first time EVER, I have HYPERthyroidism. I've had Hashimoto's thyroiditis-HYPOthyroidism for almost 2 decades. I always needed MORE medication. I would be on one medication for years, then it would stop working, I'd have to change and increase, increase, and then change. (3 different thyroid medications since 2002 when they finally found it). But, now I need LESS! I don't know if it is because I was eating the Word of Wisdom way or if there is something else going on. But, I find it interesting. 

I did have to get a biopsy at a neck surgical place. I felt so bad for so many people there with things hanging out of their necks. I was so grateful for my less invasive test. There was a pathologist, doctor, student, and nurse. They were supposed to do two pulls, but ended up doing more. They first numb your neck (feels like lots of bees stinging you and then burning). The student did the first two pokes/shaking/pulls. But, they didn't get enough cells. So, they had to do it again. The student did the third and the doctor did the last. She was a young doctor who obviously was out of practice. She just kept digging and digging that needle, moving it all around, moving the ultrasound wand, pushing it harder on my neck, and trying and trying UNSUCCESSFULLY. You can't swallow or talk or else it will move the thyroid and needle. I can deal with lots of pain and am patient, but she was taking SO long that I had to raise my hand to stop her. She never got anything, but I was glad when the pathologist announced that we had enough cells and could stop. YAY. My husband had to use one of his 10 vacation days to take me, but it ended up being a good time to spend with him. My in laws are SO wonderful to help us with my daughter. The day started a bit rough, but ended well.

After time, we got news that the nodule/growths are benign. No cancer. I know my aunt and uncle had the same results but had to get their thyroids (full and half) out. My aunt had to do a biopsy every six months for 2.5 years before they took hers out!!! They still don't know why I'm having some problems and I have to see an ENT next. But, for now...good news and I will TAKE IT! =) 

You can tell the two places they went into on my neck

Here are the POSITIVE things that have come from it all (so far, I'm sure the list will grow):

• Connecting and understanding others who have had similar(ish) situations.
• Learned new things about the human body (maybe I should have gone into medicine).
• Support and love from many (Until 5 years ago, I rarely, if ever, shared my struggles or issues. I am naturally an introvert and don't like people worrying about me. Most people have been really understanding, loving, and supportive. I feel so blessed). 
• Priesthood blessings have been a real power and relief to me!
• Some weight loss (ha)
• I will take hypothyroidism over hyperthyroidism (I don't know if it's because I've had 18 years to get used to HYPO or just because I went up and down and all over the place. But, it looks like I have at least the heart issues under control, for the most part (kind of). Some have to go on heart meds! Ugh)
• Appreciation...and again, CONNECTIONS! I just can't thank all of you enough. 

How are YEW? How arrrrre You?

I remember the sweet Kenyans chasing our matatus (mini van taxis) through the slums outside of Nairobi. They would laugh, smile, pop a thumb up and say, "How are you? How are YeeeWWWW?" We would respond, "Great! How are you?" Since most didn't have the privilege of education, they hadn't learned any English beyond this simple phrase. They would stare at us and repeat just as enthusiastically as before, "How are you?" They had nothing, but were some of the happiest people I have ever met.

No shoes. 

Some hole-ridden Disney shirt from the 80's and a pair of pants barely hanging on. 

MAYBE one piece of fruit for the whole day to eat. 

Chewing constantly on wood. 

Surrounded by a black river, sewage through the street, rubbish all over. 

Lucky if they had a tiny home consisting of a filthy assortment of cardboard, corrugated metal, and a dirt floor.

But they were HAPPY!

I left Kenya almost 12 years ago and it forever changed me. I remember coming back to my tiny apartment, attending a RS social, and leaving early bawling because I felt so utterly blessed. My perspective had changed. I really did feel like a mzungu (meaning both 'white/European decent' and 'rich'). I had returned to the same situation, but my eyes had been opened!

(I have ALWAYS been grateful for indoor plumbing)

It's funny to look back on my experiences. I didn't feel rich by American standards, but I did by Soweto slum standards. I came back to a job, a working car, an ability to walk and go outside every day, connections to others, internet, a phone, tv, incredible friends, wonderful family, health insurance, plenty of food, opportunities to serve in church and community, and had clothes with no holes! Before Kenya, I felt lucky, optimistic, and blessed. But I had never considered myself rich.

I really was rich.

The past two years, I've again felt NOT rich. We went a year with no internet. We had no tv for a year. {Which is saying a lot for someone who is almost entirely homebound with a rambunctious toddler}. We have gone almost a year with only one working car and me only being able to go out once a week typically. There were times I had to get toilet paper and milk from my in laws because our $5/week grocery budget was still too high. Our medical bills climbed, we added new health diseases, and had little to no work, health coverage, or hope from time to time. I didn't complain when a neurologist wanted me in the hospital, a dentist wanted to fix a cavity, and a doctor wanted tests done but I simply told them I couldn't afford it. I went without for over a year. But, I reminded myself often that I wasn't as bad off as SO many people across the world. In September 2015, things seemed to be turning around a bit. My hard working hubby was hired on permanently and was getting OVERTIME! In 3.5 months we made the same amount as we made the first 8.5 months of the year. We were ALL getting insurance, my aunt gave me money to go see a doctor about all my health problems, a friend sent money making it possible to visit family for Christmas and we were able to pay our bills instead of going into debt. Ahhhh, making it paycheck to paycheck again...life was good!

After reading about Nephi and Laman's different reactions to their WILDERNESS (and what they thought could make them happy), my hubby read some quotes along with our studies...

Elder Neal A. Maxwell shared how great lessons often come after difficulties: “Nephi’s broken bow doubtless brought to him some irritation, but not immobilizing bitterness. After all, he was just trying to feed the extended family, so why should he have to contend as well with a broken bow? Yet out of that episode came a great teaching moment. Irritation often precedes instruction” (If Thou Endure It Well [1996], 128).

I have had moments in my life where I have been wandering, I have been irritated but hopeful, and also when I have experienced immobilizing bitterness. The longer I stayed in the valley of hopelessness without reaching out for help or in the desert of despair, depression, discouragement, and distrust, the more I wandered. Thankfully I continue to learn that Christ, the Prince of Peace, Living Waters, our Redeemer is ALWAYS there for me. I have received a great deal of instruction after some great irritations. (No one on earth has experienced more than Christ).

Another favorite:::

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that adversity can help stimulate necessary growth in our lives:

“May I share some suggestions with you who face … the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments.

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1995, 18; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 16–17).

Wow! YESSSSS!!! This was our past year and a half! We aren't out of the woods just yet. But I am quite happy that we are here instead of where we were in 2014 and 2015!!

Before I moved to Kansas, if anyone had asked me if I considered myself a relatively patient, compassionate, optimistic person who had experienced a great deal of pain, suffering, depression, loneliness, fatigue, and struggles financially, emotionally, and physically, I would have emphatically shouted "YES!!!!"  But, little did I know God had some plans for stretching on the horizon. I don't feel like my experiences have changed who I am, but instead just made me more so. I am closer to God and Christ. I have more compassion, faith, understanding, and hope. I thought I could accurately predict who would help the most in dark times and where to turn for assistance. In many cases I would have predicted well, some I would have been way off on, and a few I NEVER would have guessed. I think it has been those who have struggled the most, who have been stretched beyond their capacity, who TRULY do understand financial, emotional, physical, social, etc struggles who have been my greatest help and allies. 

To anyone else who is being "STRETCHED," my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are blessed with angels on earth, someone to turn to, and a strength, peace, hope, or outpouring of love that you haven't experienced before. It will eventually get better. Way, way later than you anticipate, hope, or pray for, but as long as you keep trying, turn to God and reach out, it WILL {eventually} get better. OR you'll get stronger so you can BETTER handle it. Either way. It will get better. 

Mountain Moving with a teaspoon or a shovel?

Have you ever been so sick that you stayed on the couch or in bed for several days? Have you ever been so sick that you had to stay inside for 6 or 7 whole days? Have you ever NOT been able to drive (broken car or another reason) for weeks or months and missed the freedom and independence? By the end were you going "Stir Crazy"? That has been my life for the last several years. I typically ONLY go out once a week. IF I go out more than that, I pay for it (more pain, vision, hearing and intestines are bad, more stabbing pains in eyes/face/head, increased nausea, fatigue and weakness, as well as twitching muscles or shakiness and more numbness and tingling). BUT, there are times that it is worth it. Lately I've been asking my hubby to take me on drives after he gets home from work. It is hard to go from working 14 hour days, being incredibly social, traveling, and visiting my family, to NOTHING. 

I suppose the past week or two it has gotten to me.

I've thought a lot lately about MOUNTAINS and the FAITH to move them. I always have had faith in God, Jesus and their power. At 4 or 5 I remember praying for things and believing they would happen. My little prayers were answered. When I was 8 or 9, I cried to my parents about how you knew the gospel of Jesus Christ (Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints) was true, I prayed and gained my own testimony with incredible confidence. Fast forward to when I was 19 and thought I was going blind and deaf, woke up with huge bruises for no reason, intestines screamed at me when I got too hot, had to stop exercising and gained 90 pounds in less than a year. I wondered if I had enough faith to move THIS mountain. 

I prayed EVERY SINGLE DAY for TWELVE years for healing. I believed that I could be healed IF it was God's will. But, I learned it was NOT God's will for me to be healed. So, I accepted it and dealt with it. In looking back, I think it was good that it took almost 5 years to discover what was wrong with me. I think it was good that I lived in denial for a long time afterwards too. I simply learned to adapt. 

• When I couldn't see, I turned my head in the direction of others talking and pretended like nothing was wrong until my vision returned. Or I sat or felt for a wall to balance myself until I could see again.
• When I couldn't hear, I learned how to read lips (not great, but enough to manage). I nodded a lot until my hearing returned. 
• When I couldn't see OR hear at the same time, I just nodded sporadically and waited.
• When I fell or dropped things, I just laughed it off.
• When I was dizzy, I learned how to move slower, sit more, and distract people with questions.
• When I was depressed, I learned to serve others and find out more about them.
• It took me a while to correlate my heat intolerance with my issues, but once I learned the connection I covered myself with ice packs, did more inside (a/c) and learned to always check where a trash can was (in case I had to vomit) and where a bathroom was in every place I visited.

I was 19 and scared, but quickly learned to just make the best of things. I learned that I could gain strength through God and Jesus with prayer and priesthood blessings. I had faith to move forward even when the answer was "NO" or "NOT YET." As new symptoms came with new relapses and new diseases have been added to my broken bod, I have adapted and pushed forward.

Fast forward to 2014 and 2015 and I started to wonder again if I could climb these mountains. It had grown to a mountain range! 

My daughter and I decided to color and my hands were working well enough for me to create this to visually express myself. 

2014 I thought was bad with a move, change in career, only being paid $600 the first two months, paying for THREE homes, a MS relapse, worsening side effects from my MS med (horrible diarrhea every single day for 7.5 months along with a bit of hair loss), and being robbed! 

It turns out those were more like HILLS. 

2015 was much worse with 

Two Furloughs.

Two Mini-Strokes.

FOUR robberies (incl Topeka).

Hair falling out so much that I was balding.

Stabbing eye/face/head pains with no answers for a while.

No internet or tv for a year, and $25-$5/week budget for groceries.

Sensation of bugs crawling all over and toenail ripped off (cursed MS).

Hubs not being able to work-didn't recover as quickly from 2nd mini-stroke.

Asking for help and being rejected or told to wait until we weren't nearly as desperate.

Depressing conversations like selling everything, breaking lease, moving in with family, and who would take care of our daughter if we both died or became bedridden or incapacitated in any way.

I felt hopeless.

But each time I felt supreme despair, someone would surprise me because they were inspired.

THANKFULLY, even though I didn't reach out enough or talk to enough about our struggles, there were some angels on earth who were inspired. It gave me hope and showed me that God IS aware of us. He worked MIRACLES through them and I'm eternally grateful. All while I was trying to climb the mountain and pretending like I was fine even as I was falling off a cliff. Kind of like when I started to die...I didn't reach out and pretended like I was fine. (Until I couldn't and collapsed at work, but then I just worked on my couch. Or when I ended up in the ER with my eyes rolling in the back of my head, slurring my words, etc). "I'm fine."

(I wish I had pictures of all of my angels on earth!)

Jesus said, "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

I never could imagine a situation where I would NEED to move a mountain. But, I believed anything was POSSIBLE with God. Lately, though, I've been doubting my own ability to move these mountains placed in front of me. The other day I read again about the pioneers who LITERALLY carved out stone from a mountain and MOVED it to the sacred spot in Salt Lake City. It took 40 years for them to finish the temple! There were many who sacrificed an incredible amount to build a temple that has blessed a prodigious amount of people. While I hope it doesn't take ME 40 freakin years, I HOPE that I can move this mountain. It may only bless my sweet lil family and me, but it sure would be a blessing!

Speaking specifically about my HEALTH mountain, I have thought about how stone by stone, I may have to do the work over an extended amount of time before I see great results. But what if it ONLY takes me a year before I see great results? All these years I've tried the world's way (HcG, pills, diets like Weight Watchers or Raw, shakes like Slim Fast or Herbalife, excessive exercise, etc). All failed attempts resulted in minimal success and a lot of frustration. WHY NOT TRY GOD's WAY? I always figured I was great with the Word of Wisdom (https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng)  since I've never tasted alcohol, tea, coffee, tobacco, or recreational drugs. Heck, I've never even tasted things like Mountain Dew or Coke because I didn't want stimulants in my body (my sister's cardiologist was glad we didn't consume caffeine). But, it turns out I was focusing a lot on the do NOTs (and received blessings by not having those addictions) and not focusing enough on the DOs. The world and nutritionists teach the opposite...eat MORE meat->Protein every 3 hours focusing on animal sources and eat LESS grains! The word of wisdom says GRAINS are the foundation and staff of life. Then add a variety of fruits and vegetables with meat sparingly, specifically during winter, cold, or famine. I have changed my diet SLOWLY and in July started following the Word of Wisdom step by step (in small ways) and started losing weight. I also cut out sugar (one of my worst inflammatories). I did it July, August, and September and lost 5 pounds each month. January 1st I decided to jump all the way in with the Word of Wisdom by only eating meat three times a week, and using a variety of grains, fruits and vegetables. Within ONE month I lost 11.5 pounds! I've NEVER lost that much weight in a month and it was easy. I wasn't hungry, I didn't count calories and learned new foods I loved (brussels sprouts and artichokes). I had no idea plants had calcium, protein, and all I needed! I continue to lose weight and while I can't say I feel GREAT, I'm having a little less stabbing pains and a little more strength. This past Sunday I walked the ENTIRE time on my own. I don't know if I have done that for at least two years. 

I'm kicking myself for waiting 17-18 YEARS before I tried God's way. Until now, I feel like I was trying to move my mountain with a TEASPOON and found myself tired, overwhelmed and disappointed. Other times I was just circling the mountain over and over and over. I felt a bit like Anna in Frozen trying to climb a mountain. 

 

 On Sunday, I shared some of my testimony about this topic and an awesome gal shared this with me. 
I love it and it fits perfectly!

 For anyone else out there who has a mountain (or mountain RANGE) you are climbing, I hope you can reach out and gain strength, hope, and patience with yourself as you're moving forward. God moves mountains in different ways-sometimes we move the soil beneath our feet. Other times it is so steep that we have to get on our hands and knees. Sometimes there is a path already carved into the mountain so we can ride up the mountain more easily. But, you're not alone. I've been feeling alone off and on the past year. It's Satan whispering (or screaming) of the loneliness, fear and despair. Yesterday I underestimated the openness of Facebook and realized that I'm not actually alone in the journey. Thankfully I always have my husband and wonderful family (close and amazing in laws who have supported me SO much and my family who lives far away). But, it helps to have others who have climbed their own mountains who reach down to help me up.

Steps Christ would have climbed to meet Pilate

 Sometimes I have a hard time with who I used to be, what I used to be able to do and who I am now (with so many limitations). But, who I am as a spirit matters more than who I am physically. My whole soul is NOT just my body.

Thank you to those of you who have helped lift me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you to those of you who did for me what I couldn't do for myself physically. 

SAD --> WOW

Isn't is SAD how the Standard American Diet is so unbalanced? Most eat a great deal of processed foods, meat, sugars (in all its forms) and inflammatory foods. It leaves much less room for a variety of fresh fruits, vegetables, legumes, and grains. It's how I've eaten for quite some time. SAD.



With my new health issues (and some I've dealt with for a long time but didn't have a diagnosis)...Occipital Neuralgia, Alopecia Areata (or severe malnourishment due to side effects from my last MS med) and Fibromyalgia all on top of my other diseases have compounded to make me reach out for even more answers.

I tried some nutritionists (one wasn't great but helped me get the LEAP testing to figure out my most intolerant foods and the other helped me with anti-inflammatory diet and nutritional counseling---she was amazing). But, in the end, I've been quite limited because of my declining health. I can't cook and prep foods very often. So, as I've declined, I've turned more and more to processed foods. SAD.

(http://theconsciouslife.com/top-10-inflammatory-foods-to-avoid.htm)

With blessings and my desperation for almost 18 years, I have decided to jump ALL the way into the Word Of Wisdom Way! I've tried the world's way (all kinds of diets, protein every 3 hours, supplements, shakes, etc, etc, etc) and I just get worse and worse. I felt somewhat better when I increased my fruits, vegetables and grains and decreased my processed and sugary foods for those 12 weeks (July-Sept). Not great, but better. But, I didn't fully jump into the WORD OF WISDOM.

(https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng)


So, I'm doing it. January 1st and I started a private (closed) group on Facebook for support and recipe sharing. I'm not going extreme (some Plant Based, WHOLE foods eaters don't eat ANY meat, eggs, oils, refined grains, transfats, or dairy but I think it is a personal decision and I'm not there yet). I'm simply cutting back on processed foods, sugars and transfats and instead filling my body with fruits, vegetables, legumes, and grains as close to God's creations as possible. (Less man-made and unnatural additions). It is such a personal thing how you interpret "meat sparingly," but I can say I don't think eating animal protein every 3 hours is sparingly. I've tried the world's way and am gonna give it a shot God's way (especially shared for the latter-days).


Here is what I did this year to help me make SMALL changes for long-lasting (ish) results:

1. Cut out my biggest inflammatory and addictive (whether it's psychological or physical, I didn't care) offender---sugar. Not ALL sugar, but sugar as in no candy, cakes, ice cream, chocolate, etc for 12 weeks. I also attended a few sessions of an addiction class. I was nervous people would think I was uber lame for coming for a sugar addiction, but everyone was cool. People were there for ALL KINDS of things and it helped me have a group to account to and share with so I stayed on track.
2. July- cut out sugar 
3. August- increased vegetable daily intake to 3 different vegetables in season 
4. September -3 dinners a week without meat (which helped me increase different grains and vegetables I hadn't used before or very often)

Here is what I will be doing to make it easier and long-lasting: (with my cute hubby's help because I can't cook or prep much)

1. 
   Once a week a week I will cook all of my grains, lentils, rice, beans, and squash with my hubby (1.5 hrs on Saturday)
   1. Squash – 45 min – 1 hr cooking in the oven.
   2. Wheat Berries- 1 ½ hour
   3. Barley pearls simmering on stove- 1 hr.
   4. Brown Rice in rice cooker
   5. Soak & rinse quinoa, cook in rice cooker when rice is done.
   6. Lentils-10 min
   7. Chop veggies and fruits
   8. Beans from cans- rinse and put ALL of above in various air tight containers.
   
   
   2. Meal plan
   -This past year our meal plan was typically on a plan for dinners
   M-Leftovers
   T-Mexican/Italian
   W-Soup/Salad
   Th-Microwave Meals
   F-Date Night (once a month or every other month) or Microwave
   Sa-Vegetarian
   Su-Crockpot
   
   THIS year I'm going to start with a foundation of grains and add in fruits, vegetables, and legumes, as well as plan out my breakfasts and lunches. I will blog about all of this aspect later on.
   
   3. Support from friends and family
   -Our private Facebook group begins January 1st and we may even get together as a group here in town if I'm up to it. Sharing recipes, foods, and laughing about mishaps and pinterest fails.
   
   
   Even if it ONLY helps a LITTLE, I'm down with it. Almost 18 years ago I gained 90 pounds in less than a year and thought I was going blind and deaf. It was frightening and I felt out of control. Since then I've gained more weight, more diseases and my body has controlled everything. In 2015 I lost 20 pounds (more than I've EVER been able to lose with all of my health problems). And that was just sort of following the word of wisdom (even when I brought back sugar Oct-Dec). IF I lose some more weight in the process...cool. But it isn't my focus. My focus is controlling my body (as much as possible) instead of letting it control me. HEALTH.
   
   It's an experiment of some sort. I've been a guinea pig for several doctors and decided to let God take the wheel. Who knows...maybe I'll get somewhere instead of running around in circles. 
   
   

12 Days of 2015

I have sent out family Christmas letters twice in my life. This year I didn't want to because 1) It sucked. 2) It's expensive and I'd rather spend my $mulla$ on visiting my family for the holidays.

But, I decided to do this year's E Family Christmas letter for 2015 via the www. (Because of privacy, I won't post pix of my little one---sorry, but if we're friends on fb, you've seen enough =)).

My first draft of our 2015 summary, in the note of "12 days of Christmas," went something like this...

1- 1 ambulance ride
2- 2 mini strokes, 2 furloughs, 2 moves
3- 3 new health issues for me (Occipital Neuralgia, Alopecia Areata, and Melasma)
4- 4 robberies in a little over a year
5- 5 months with little to NO work
6- 6 months of daily intense stabbing eye pain and 6 months before the state of KS finally decided on our application for assistance (they said it isn't typical wait time; we were just one of the unlucky ones with system crashes, changes, miscommunication on their part, etc). When we desperately needed help, I reached out to several sources and was turned away.
7- 7 times when I thought we wouldn't make it
8- 8 different specialists in various medical fields
9- 9 diseases in my one body (not including issues like melasma, insulin resistance and dystmetabolic syndrome which are just moderately annoying)
10- 10 different medical bills stacking up
11- 11 months of losing my hair and growing bald spots
12- 12 angels on earth who helped us financially with generously giving money (one anonymous).

I thought back on how much we survived when we wondered how we possibly could. There were scary moments, depressing moments, isolation, fear, frustration, and pain. I thought of how much my vision had opened figuratively and closed physically as I learned what it meant to really struggle to provide for basics and accomplish the mundane. My hubby and I had to have hard conversations about which utilities to pay, who would take care of our daughter if my husband died, and if we had to break our lease, move in with the in-laws and which items we would sell first if we lost everything. (Thankfully we got close to all happening, but didn't end up needing to deal with any of these possible, but hypothetical situations). I remembered how isolated I felt as my health declined, more friends talked about us than to us and judged us without knowing even half of our story, and the limitations we had with bad health, bad finances and a broken car. But, I also thought back to how much closer I felt to God and Jesus. How some friends reached out with a helping hand, listening ear and a call, text, or message. Some literally saved us from losing everything and fed & clothed us. How family members were our saving grace as they were inspired to offer assistance before we asked and even after we had asked more than once before. I am amazed at the heart and generosity of so many who were inspired at just the right moment when they knew little to nothing of the magnitude of our situation. While I knew it could always be worse, I learned to stop saying it!

This past month or two things have finally turned around for good I think (it's truthfully been difficult for a year and a half). Each time I was on the verge of hopelessness, some angel on earth would feel inspired to reach out to us. Every time I thought God wasn't there, He was right there and surprised me over and over. While it has been a tough year, it has also been a BLESSED year. I revised my "12 moments/memories of 2015," and came up with this instead...

12- Angels on Earth who saved us financially, physically and emotionally by giving
11- Babysitters for K bug who helped me immensely
10- Times this year I was able to get out and about ON MY OWN (not for a doctor's appointment or church).
9- Date nights I got with my hot hubby, many times with a free babysitter!!!
8- Family outings (day trips, drives, and even celebrating a few friend's birthdays)
7- Times I was amazed that we survived! I was amazed by God's tender mercies, miraculous assistance and renewed hope I felt.
6- Medical specialists who helped me in big and small ways.
5-$5/week grocery budget worked some weeks and we managed well (not always, but thank you cc companies, friends, and family).
4- Months of PERMANENT work at the same job! (We did have 1.5 months that we could have kept, but instead came back for the railroad which ended up giving us 0 more days of work).
3- Celebrated 3 years of marriage to my phenomenal best friend and 3 years of being mom to an incredible daughter.
2- Times I get to see my family this year!!!
1- Working, safe, reliable car.

Our family has gained a greater appreciation for our innumerable blessings, God's miraculous work, the generosity, love, and support of many wonderful friends and family, and a closer connection to our maker and our Savior. Our struggles pale in comparison to many others, but for us it was a struggle where we learned much through it all. Thank you to those of you, especially our angels on earth! Thank you to those who gave food, clothes, free babysitting, a call, text, message, card, and money. I am grateful that in the second half of this year we have been able to help others in need in small ways, as well. We are doing MUCH better now and I have tremendous hope for 2016. I am overcome with gratitude, peace and HOPE!

We hope that your 2016 is also incredible! May you see God's hand and feel the Savior's love in many ways.

Love,
US

Good or Bad?

Not my favorite test. People hate the dentist. I LOVE the dentist and dislike Ophthalmologist tests. =)

I've had new issues since April/May that got considerably worse through June-August and started getting a bit better in September. I mean, better-ish, all things considered. (Imagine instead of a million knives, just 1,000). haha

As is the case with my crazy body, when something new happens it involves quite the journey to find answers. I am NOT a textbook case in any sense of the word for any of my diseases. It is because I simply have so many compounding diseases. So, as I've bounced around from specialist to specialist, 

once again I've stumped them all. Each doctor's specialty does fit one aspect (hair loss or eye pain or headaches), but not all of the symptoms (swelling of the head and face pain haven't fit them either). There have been a few guesses as to some of the problems-optic neuritis, severe malnourishment from the Tecfidera which was in my system for over a year, a new autoimmune disease-alopecia something. Some of the treatments are-wait it out, live with it, let's inject your head with steroids and come back to see me. When the dermatologist repeated for the third time that the steroid injections will hurt (it is several injections-maybe 10?), I did listen a bit more intently. But, I shrugged my shoulders and said it was fine. He seemed concerned that I wasn't concerned. 

Pain. 

Psha. 

Been there. 

Done that. 

Doing it this very moment. 

I thought back to times the pain has been pretty intense, but I survived. 

I've had 5 spinal taps which includes 2 botched ones. My first spinal tap I kept telling them that they were supposed to check for something else, but I couldn't remember the 3rd thing the neuro wanted checked. They called me the next day and I had to get another spinal tap because they forgot to check for pressure. My body didn't have enough time to heal, so the spinal fluid was leaking out inside my body causing a spinal headache. Meh, I survived and two days later went with singles for a tiny Halloween California cruise. I spent a good amount of time lying down, but I didn't let it stop me. I danced a bit and have some good, but also painful memories of my time as a pea in a pod. (We were all vegetables. HAHAH)

My 3rd spinal tap the doctor had students watching him and he kept hitting my spine with the needle and moving it around but couldn't get in. He was ready to give up after his third failed attempt. I was rolled into a ball and told him he HAD to do it today. I kept encouraging him and telling him he could do it. I couldn't reschedule for the following day because I had a test at UNLV (this was at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona) and needed to drive back. I encouraged him to try again and each time he apologized I told him it was okay and tried to boost his confidence. He never could get into my spine. I did my fourth the following day (with Xray). Meh, I survived. I am forever grateful for that place!

Or that time when the doctor almost killed me and I kept getting worse and worse. I would go to work and twitch and shake on the floor while I had kids bring me their homework (case manager). I collapsed at work and got permission to work on my couch. I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without vomiting or passing out, my intestines stopped working entirely (it's painful after 5 days), I was bleeding over my kidneys (under the skin), eyes rolling in the back of my head, couldn't stand, etc, etc. While I could go to church, I would lie on the floor of the mother's lounge twitching until some startled nursing mom needed the room. I'd crawl/stumble out and have my roommate take me home. Until I couldn't go out anymore. I worked for months on my couch doing paperwork, crawling down the hall to vomit and come back to keep supporting myself. But, I didn't ask for a lot of help either (beyond someone else grocery shopping). I later learned I was most likely a few weeks from death or a coma. Meh, I survived. I didn't get answers for a while, but the spirit prompted me with words from a pharmacist months earlier while I lay in the ER. My brother had called me for my birthday, hung up and called my family for me. He used to work at a retirement home and said I was talking like his patients did right before they died. But, I was able to work on my couch until I was strong enough to work in the office and eventually was able to go for my Master's. (I had been accepted for an earlier program but being on the verge of death and then trying to recover makes it hard to accept. They pushed me to the next program and it turned out to be even better timing professionally). 

Oh, and remember that time that my OBGYN confused LABOR with a KIDNEY STONE? Even though I explained that my mom only felt back labor and my sister ONLY progresses with pitocin? So, I taught for two days while I was in labor. And kept calling the doctor to say the kidney stone STILL hadn't passed. I had my husband get me Depends and I prayed harder that the kidney stone would pass so I could gain control of my bladder again. I kept moving as well as I could until I got in with a Urologist five days later for a second opinion, since my OBGYN wouldn't listen. Turned out I never did have a kidney stone. The doc could have done a simple ultrasound to check, but never did. I went to the hospital and when the nurses called the other OBGYN to say that there was definitely amniotic fluid, he didn't believe them. It could have already been on their gloves. Do three more tests to confirm. Turned out I hardly had any amniotic fluid left-just two tiny pockets on one side and I was a high risk for infection. And then the doctor put me on Pitocin for 30 THIRTY, yes, 30 hours. I had refused to work with the one OBGYN who couldn't tell the diff between kidney and a baby. But the second one, wasn't fantastic at listening either. I don't tend to show the pain I'm in and most doctors aren't used to that, I guess. All in all, I was in labor for 6 days and finally got a c-section. The nurses joked about my horrible doctors, the cutest 7 pound kidney stone they'd seen, and some would come in just to meet us-"Oh! You're THAT couple everyone is talking about." They were amazed at how easily and quickly I was up and around so soon after a c-section. But, it is simply what I do. Push through the pain. When you can't see, listen. When you can't hear, feel. When you can't feel, sit down. When you can't sit down, reach out. Pray all along the way. Needing the hemorrhoidectomy to fix issues after the fact (half a year later) wasn't fun either. The surgeon and assistants couldn't believe how bad I was (after a month of bringing down inflammation so he could actually do the surgery). All while I finished my last year of teaching and balanced work with being a new mom of a baby who rarely slept. But, if I had been pregnant just 100 years earlier, she and I would have died. Thank goodness for modern medicine. 

But, back to pain in the present...

A few new hairs now stick straight up. I'm alfalfa over here, guys!

Turns out steroid injections do hurt. Not as bad as a serotonin syndrome or 6 days of labor or a botched spinal tap, but it most likely exacerbated my eye pain. My eyes, especially my right eye, felt like it would pop out of my head. The face, eye and head pain was so intense sometimes that I almost passed out. That isn't normal, but a few rare cases do have side effects of too much pressure behind the eyes from the injections. But, the fact that I've had issues for several months means there's something else going on. I was able to get in with a phenomenal ophthalmologist who actually did have some logical guesses without dismissing the things he can't make sense of. He thinks I have Lupus and/or Graves' Disease on top of everything else. Apparently it isn't super common, but someone with Hoshimoto's Thyroiditis can develop Graves' disease later too! I laughed and asked the doctor how it was possible that I may have gained 3 new autoimmune diseases in a few months. He said autoimmune diseases cluster together. Plus, if I am positive for lupus, I've had it for a long time (tested positive in 2002, but never an official diagnosis. It was later dismissed by a doc as MS was the main invader in my body). I seem to get new permanent diseases about every 3 years or so anyway. 

I left the doctor's office with a bit of a heavy heart. I'm in my mid 30s and how many more autoimmune diseases can I handle? May the resurrection come before I'm 45...kuz I can't imagine how many I'll have by then. A line from my patriarchal blessing kept going through my head over and over, "Satan won't let you go through life easily." I was depressed for an hour or two and then started focusing on God and the good I've had in my life. I began trying to find a silver lining to possible new diseases. Maybe I could make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. The woman with the most autoimmune diseases in one body. My mindset shifted as I figured that in the end, I'll survive, and it isn't the end. By focusing less on my trials, but more on ways I have seen God's hand in my life, it was easier to accept. 

A few people really helped me deal with it easily after that first hour or so.  A dear friend reached out to me because she felt inspired and had no idea what I was going through at the time. My sister-in-law and brother have been so kind. My family and friends have been a wonderful support (of course my incredible hubby and adorable lil girl are my rocks). In looking back at other times in my life where I have literally passed out from pain and felt quite alone, I can see that I wasn't (alone). I wondered if God truly loves me, but I don't wonder any more. I know He does love us. A lack of pain is not the same as love. Love comes through the pain. The sister missionaries came by twice this past week and as we ate, they asked how I don't get angry at God or feel like He has abandoned me. Several investigators have expressed their anger at God. There have been times (as mentioned above) that I HAVE felt angry and abandoned. But, thankfully I didn't dwell on that and in time have seen strength beyond my own capacity as I have been able to persevere. I accept the sorrow and sadness, because it is real. But, I don't dwell there. I don't focus so much on Satan or someone else's free agency that impacted me. When I do fall into a rut, I get a priesthood blessing and tap into sources of light God provided for the journey. (Scriptures, temple, more prayers, fasting, etc). I am NOT saying I have it all figured out. BOY, do I still have a long ways to go. But, I am saying that I have never gone wrong by turning to God, looking for the good, and pushing through. There is a lot of evil in the world that seems to be growing. It may be daunting and overwhelming. But, God is bigger, more powerful, and will come off conqueror. There is still a lot of good in the world. 

While dealing with the theft on our home in KS (again), we had to wait and visited a book store to kill time. I found these journals side by side. You could fill both full easily. But would it change you to just choose one to focus on day in and day out?