Thursday, September 3, 2015

Limbo should be a party game, not a lifestyle

We've lived in limbo for a year, but now we are ready to sit down at the party. Or at least for a portion of the limbo party. :)

We still don't know what the railroad holds in the future. The career change, involving God every step of the way, has been quite the roller coaster ride. I remember once being stuck upside down on the top of a loop of a roller coaster. We were stuck for quite some time. My brother lost his shades and wallet as all of us hung in anticipation of freedom. It took quite some time and some passengers got sick, scared and loud. We looked around with our nauseas upside down view of joy surrounding us as other roller coasters and rides continued on. Most people enjoying their other rides didn't even notice that we were stagnant and scared. 


Between our recent health and financial issues the past year, we have had a good amount of nausea regarding our future, fear of how long the wait will be, and a loss of our wallet and shade from the radiating heat. 

Thankfully things are improving, even though it is moving slower than I had hoped for as fear dissipates and hope ensues. My hard working hubby is the first temp worker the company has hired and they are excited to have him. They know he will most likely return to the railroad whenever/if ever they call because they can't pay (benefits and pay check) comparably. But each time a furlough comes through he can return to this company. For the first time since May all 3 of us will be insured (despite our multiple attempts for coverage). We are quite hopeful for the future as we finally have stability. 

My health isn't getting much better and being in a small town means waiting half a year to meet with specialized doctors (hours away). My hair continues to fall out, my bald spot is getting worse and the pain in my face and behind my eyes is intense, an increase in the sensation that bugs are crawling on me, numbness and tingling, nausea, dizziness, stabbing pains, and my vision is still bad enough that reading has been difficult for several months. I also haven't driven more than 3 months, but it is fine since we have only one working car anyway. 

This past week (before the good news) I struggled because I felt so stagnant with little hope of light on the horizon. My wonderful husband said, "it will get better and all I need is you and my daughter. We have a good life." My response was that I simply needed to lower my expectations to nothing so I didn't keep getting my hopes up and being crushed. Thankfully the fear and frustrations didn't last long after I continued to talk to my husband. My sweet 2.5 yr old gave me hugs, patted me, kissed me and said, "You okay, mom? I here. You safe. It okay. I wove you." I'm very lucky to have my understanding, patient best friend as my companion through this bumpy ride and a sweet daughter to open my eyes a bit more. 

Even though I still struggle, some pain on my head is better (it doesn't hurt every time I shower, lie down or brush my hair). My vision on some days makes reading bearable. The swelling on my head on some days is better. My depression is a bit better too. I also have been able to hear out of my left ear with no major problems. Usually things have gotten better (head swelling x3, hearing, insomnia, and vomiting with stabbing pains behind eyes with priesthood blessings. I call it my safety harness in the stuck roller coaster). I'd count all of the small/slow improvements as a win-win-win. (And thank goodness for the help I've received too). Win. 



Since then, I've arranged for 3 specialists appointments for the next 3 months who sound like they will be better than the ones I've met with recently. My husband has permanent work. And I have some great things to look forward to as cooler fall temperatures approach. 

I've been reminded that I can hope, pray and move towards my goals. But if I get stuck on my timetable instead of God's, that stringent expectation will cause me to fall or become stagnant. Fear of the unknown and excessive worry places too much burden on my shoulders instead of placing it all in God's hands. All I can do is hope for my dreams, pray for my goals, accept God's timetable, and move forward-no matter how slow I go. I may take a few detours, but as long as I involve God in the process, righteous desires will come to pass.