FAITH over f~e~a~r

FAITH over fear

I turned in my paperwork to start Lemtrada (https://www.lemtrada.com/about/lemtrada-at-a-glance)

I've never had to sign so many papers to simply start a new medication. I had to sign that I'd failed at least two MS disease modifying medication. That I understood the risks (new autoimmune diseases, 3 cancers, organ failures, etc). My neurologist then had to sign himself, acknowledging that he also explained the various risks to me. Now I will be assessed by their Risk Management and go from there. My skin check for skin cancer will be at the end of this month. I'm assuming I will start the infusions in March. And I will be checked EVERY SINGLE MONTH for the next SIX years AT LEAST. Of the 14 MS medications on market today, this is the ONLY one that has been shown to improve some MS patients. It was originally for Leukemia patients. It's the most risky, but also the most hopeful.

The last few months, the fears associated with the risks of this treatment (as well as financial aspects) scared me. It consumed me on some days. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember (childhood). But this goes beyond your typical anxiety because the dangers are legitimately high. It isn't a lack of faith to recognize the risks of this treatment. I HOPE, PRAY, and have FAITH that it could all go very well. But, I am okay either way. I live or die. I get cancer or I don't. I get worse (like every other neurologist or neurosurgeon recommendation in the past) or I improve. I'm already a risk for thyroid cancer. I have to get checked every year anyway and my endocrinologist originally wanted to remove my thyroid last year. Some MS patients, who are really deteriorating, get chemotherapy. Maybe in the long run this is the path to healing in a round about way. I expect it's the direct path. But I'm okay either way. The monthly checks are ideal to catch things quickly. Fear is still there. But, it's diminished to the point of barely surviving in my soul. Faith (that all will be well, no matter the outcome) has replaced fear.

I decided that I can hand all of my anxiety over to God.

My focus this year is FAITH over fear. Literally EVERY fearful thought that pops in my head, I quickly pray to God to take it for me. 

When I was young I thought faith was simply wanting something, asking for it, and getting it.

My focus was on WHAT I WANTED. I thought that was the key to faith.

Then I went blind and deaf for a time and I had all the faith in the world that my vision and hearing could completely be restored. BUT, I wasn't healed. I've had vision and hearing problems every day for 21 years (plus pain, nausea, fatigue, and dizziness).  I PRAYED EVERY DAY FOR 12 YEARS to be healed. And I wasn't. My frequency in prayers for healing changed. NOT because I stopped believing that God could heal me. I've ALWAYS known that He has all the power in the world. He CAN heal me at any moment. In the blink of an eye my body could be changed.

But, it took me time to realize that a depth of faith comes when you PRAY with all your heart for something and move forward when the answer is, "No," or "Not yet." To continue to pray and believe when you're told no is difficult, but eye opening.

FAITH is aligning my will with God's will. 

What if a delay in physical healing comes so that my SPIRIT can be healed?

It's been a trial and curse in a lot of ways to continue to develop new diseases as my body fights itself for more than half my life. BUT, there have been myriad blessings as well. I have grown closer to God more than when I got what I asked for, when I asked for it. I LITERALLY cannot go an hour without help from above. We talk a lot. In my darkest hours I have learned that we are incredibly connected to those who have passed on. I have been more connected to angels here on earth as well. God's grace and mercy are all around. I was blind to it when I was younger, just focusing on what I WANTED and WHEN I wanted it. Now my physical vision may be worse, but my spiritual vision, focusing on eternity, has increased.

God answers EVERY SINGLE PRAYER. And even when the answer isn't what I want, it is still an answer for my best outcome. Faith to me means believing that the BEST is happening to me when God and I discuss my life. I wonder if it's what we did before I came to earth too.

HEALING encompass 3 THREE 3 things:

1. My will
2. God's will AND HIS TIMING
3. The Priesthood 

I'm learning that the "Nos" and the "Not yets" are opportunities to really learn who I am and who God is. 

I used to struggle feeling like my prayers for little things were answered, but not the BIG ones. The ones I wanted with ALL of my heart. I've come to appreciate that opposition and delays are actually a chance to change my heart. To become one with God instead of trying to stand entirely on my own. I don't want my heart to stay in a five-year-old state of tantrumming for what I want (immediately, by the way). And when the answers aren't as I would desire, God still gives me what I like to call a 'GOD NOD.' I see or hear things that remind me that He is near. A nod to remember that His hand is in all. Christ surrounds me and will not abandon me. I may have to abandon my selfish desires-and even my unselfish desires, to become the best me, eternally. 

I'm learning that opposition is opportunity. 

And boy, have I had some GREAT opportunities for growth. =)