Sunday, May 24, 2015

Cursed, blessed or somewhere in between


I started this journal (LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT) in Dec 2014. I have tried to make life positive and joyful. I've tried to find life lessons locked inside trials. I've tried making sense of bad luck and questionable outcomes. In the end, I've decided that sometimes life just happens and you can't make sense of it in the middle of the chapter. I call this chapter of our life, "cursed, yet blessed."

In about a month's time we have received bad news or questioned our survival skills daily. :)

Here are our highlights (starting with the night we arrived back in KS):

Railroad called back, hubby put in 2 weeks notice. Instead of working for 6-9 months as anticipated, we worked less than 2. I had anxiety about it all. I wasn't sure if my fear of having no work by the time we went back was real or if it was the anxiety over returning to an environment where I was basically home bound (I was able to go outside 3 times a week without problems and would return to a place where I can't go out once a week for an hour without problems). 

The job he was to work would have Wed/Thurs off. We arrived at midnight on Wednesday and he was bumped. The next day he was furloughed. Again. Not even one day of work. 

And then things kept getting a bit more difficult. 

A day or two later, back in the ER. 
ER doc said to see a specialist. 
Specialist changed our appointment. 
No medical coverage for the hubs (letter went to ID and back and we missed the deadline by one day). 
Car registration on old car (in need of brakes) expired. I rarely leave the house anyway, we had no work, so we decided to wait. 
Renter in our Topeka home actually clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom a bit. Replaced parts. 
Replaced the stolen a/c. 
Denied disability medical benefits (apparently more than 80% of MS applicants are denied their first time. Most employ a disability lawyer. Moving between two states made the process more difficult). I was shocked, but figured that even though I struggle walking daily, fatigue makes basic cleaning and cooking abilities non existent, and am almost entirely home bound, I am still able to take care of very basic needs. So, I guess I'm good. I need help but can keep pushing forward. 
Other car to register $399.
Hubs got a job for $10-$12 an hour. 
Turns out the job equalled $3.75 an hour during training. 
After 3 days (40 hrs-long days), hubs was too sick. Couldn't work (either one of us), but understanding boss. 
Helped his friend (who helped us). 
Worked on brother's house a bit, but struggled some. 
Baby girl was sick. 
Health was a struggle for all, with me being the most "healthy" for a time. (Both of us struggled driving, walking, cleaning, etc). 
Renter in our home overflowed the washer, flooding the kitchen, hall, laundry closet and part of the living room. We found out after the fact and paid to fix it. 
Pink eye and ear infection. 
Bronchitis. 
Black widows in our current rental. 
Sinus infection, bronchitis and doc said if I'd waited one more day I'd be in a lot of trouble (on the edge of pneumonia). 
Doctor guessed a brain tumor, MRI. 
Negative MRI. No answers yet, more specialists, but no tumor. 
Everywhere we have turned for help has been ignored or delayed to the point of not happening. 

We have been deeply humbled and have reached the point where we have needed help. I thought Aug was bad with $600, two house payments, a MS relapse, a move and a haunted house was hard. Then I thought Jan/Feb with a furlough and no luck with employment was bad. This last month has trumped them all and  who knows when the ride will be over. 

In the end, it is what it is. We have been tremendously blessed, while also slightly cursed. 

Hub's dad noticed our car tags expired and helped us. My parents helped us with our rent, copays for hospitals, and groceries. A dear friend (who recently found out she has stomach cancer) brought us dinner that fed us for several meals and her hubby gave us both blessings. I got to watch a TV show with a friend (we haven't had TV or internet and I haven't been out much). Hub's parents watched our girl several times and buy us milk weekly. A very dear friend from the ward watched our lil cutie and took her shopping! Shoes, make up, a bouncy ball and fun on a playground. Tonight, the same friends brought us several meals for the next few weeks. A friend paid hubs $200 for a job that sustained us for 3 + weeks of no employment. Brother paid so fairly that we could go to three doctors, pay utilities and more. At the moment all 3 of us have insurance and antibiotics (and steroids too for me). It will change soon, but we are just living in the moment these days. 

Each time I've thought---we can make it five more days. We can make it one more day. I THINK I can make it 10 more minutes. But each time we have been able to persevere and keep going usually with a smile on our faces. Some days it has been easy (ish) to count our blessings and other times all I could say was, "It's a good day because ...we are alive."  I've stopped trying to make sense of things and figure out some hidden gem of knowledge in our trials. Now I'm just riding the wave, going with the flow, and grateful for those around us who are making life possible. 

In the end, I know we will be okay. Some people's' reactions are funny. Sometimes others have guessed and been off. But all in all, most people have been incredibly supportive, loving, helpful and generous. We laugh about our luck, but are simply grateful to be alive. We will survive.