I don't know what it is about tragedies, accidents, and traumas. But it seems like there are two types of people on the scene: rubberneckers and heroes. One looks on, spreads their glimpse of the misery to everyone, and revels in the sorrow as they continue onward shaking their head. The other assesses the situation for what it is, lends a helping hand and follows through much akin to the Good Samaritan. The latter becomes a positive presence on the scene.
With our latest struggles, I've been a bit surprised by some reactions. Some have been compassionate, helpful, sympathetic, and "mourned with" us. Others took what tiny glimpse of information they had and ran with it, typically talking about us instead of to us, often giving incorrect information to other passer-byers.
I think more often than not, people don't want to believe that bad situations can happen to them. So, they gossip or give hilarious advice while judging from afar. (I'm guilty myself). Fear leads a lot of decisions. Other times I think well-meaning onlookers just don't believe they have much to offer or want to avoid awkward situations, so they quickly move on avoiding contact.
Thankfully for me, I've witnessed a lot of "good Samaritans" and heroes in this difficult time. My husband would HATE for me to share this, but I wanted to share the lessons he has taught me about giving.
My husband had been home from the ER a few days and wasn't recovering like he had the first time. We had no idea if he would be able to work and we discussed turning to the state for assistance (it's been three months and we are STILL waiting to hear. Their system was down, they've been backed up, and by the time they finally decide, we will all have insurance). Our grocery budget was $5/week, we cut down everything we could, and had no idea what our future held. A young man knocked on our door selling something door-to-door. I quickly picked up on his anxiety as he stood far from the door, struggled speaking, and diverted his eyes. I explained that we had no job and couldn't buy, but talked to him trying to give sympathy and a listening ear. A month earlier he was selling and was attacked with a tire iron, robbed, broke two teeth and his jaw, and this was his first day back to work. He was living in a hotel and some stranger was babysitting his adorable 1.5 yr old while he went door-to-door. We talked about his time in foster care and he asked to use our bathroom. I can usually read people's hearts and I knew immediately that he was good and trustworthy. I let him in and as he was leaving, I explained to my kind-hearted hubby the guy's situation. My husband started stumbling to get his shoes on and asked that I get all the cash we had left ($12). My first thought was how much we needed the money. But my second thought was that this young man needed it more. We walked as a family and gave him the cash to keep. It may not have been much, but to us it was several weeks' worth of groceries.
I don't share this to brag (because I was the wretch who thought we needed it more), but I am grateful for a husband who is inspired, loving and generous. I'm not saying you should give away ALL of your money and live in the poor house. Thankfully, we are now doing well and don't have to worry about groceries, toiletries or utilities. But, it has been a great lesson on humility, unavailable services, answered prayers, charity, and suffering from many around me.
Some of my HEROES/SHEroes have offered help by:
*Calling a pizza delivery and sending us dinner from another country.
*Scripture/thought group (texts daily).
*Babysitting when both of us had no strength.
*Cleaning my kitchen and talking to me.
*Daily texts, emails or calls.
*Driving me to doctors' appointments.
*Giving money or jobs (and being understanding when progress is slow due to poor health).
*Sending money and encouragement to see a doctor when I had no insurance but many fears.
*Praying for us and spending time with us.
*Talking to me at church even when I can't stand, see or hear well.
*Offering rides, even if it is a 3 hr drive.
*Inviting me to things and understanding when I can't attend.
*Sending me fake hair filler so I'm not as self-conscious and offering their wig if need be.
*and soooo many more I can't even list.
The last several months (April to almost Sept) we have had some tough physical struggles, but I have kept it to myself for the most part. Because of just a few rubberneckers or funny reactions to earlier struggles (January especially), I isolated and minimized my situation. I didn't want to be a burden or to have to correct misconceptions or acknowledge my own "brokenness." It caused me to fight more of the battle alone, with the exception of our families. (We both have such incredible families).
At one point specialists were checking both my husband and I for brain tumors. A specialist even said the hub's symptoms could also be MS and he may need a spinal tap next depending on his 2nd MRI results. Statistically speaking, I thought there was no way our luck was THAT bad.
We still have tests and specialists to see for both of us. But, we have a direction, I think. Transient ischemic attack. My hubby's Opthamologist has been incredible with communication (he even called from his home, worried abt him, and had us call him back).
I have had the opposite luck. A new neuro met with me quickly, ordered lots of tests and his earliest follow up appointment isn't until NEXT year. I'd already waited to meet because the schedule was backed up and I didn't have insurance. In OCTOBER, I will get in with a nurse praticioner for the neuro and dermatologist. In September I'm hoping to meet with an endocrinologist and MS specialist. I wish I didn't have to travel 1.5-3 hours away (one way) to visit doctors, but it is our situation. We have no idea what is going on with me, but it has been great to have the support of family and a few trusted friends.
I used to think the WORST thing to happen would be dying. Then I started to die and lived through it. With the uncertainty of MS in the early years I thought the worst would be confined to a wheel chair or home bound. Now I feel lucky when I can use a wheel chair or walker to get around. Lately I've worried I'll be bald and blind by the end of the year. But, even if that happens, it won't be the WORST thing to happen. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my daily struggle of symptoms and diseases. {Fatigue, worsening vision, hearing, walking, strength, sensation that bugs are crawling on me, shaking, cluster headaches/migraines, numbness, tingling, intestinal issues, cyst pain, nausea, dizziness, memory problems, hair loss/balding, stabbing pains, weight gain, etc}. Every day I have these miserable symptoms, but I also have GOOD things happen every day as well.
I pray for answers to at least some of the new stabbing pains, head swelling, hair loss, and decline in vision. I hope I will be able to read and drive easily again. But this may simply be my new normal; in which case I will count it a huge win. It has been a devastating blow to my ego, since years ago I was told my best features are my eyes and hair. I've gone from teaching others how to read to needing others to read to me often.
In the end, I'm incredibly grateful to have the love, support and true friendship of several wonderful people. The WORST in life would be to not know God and Christ... OR to have NO family or friends...OR to not live in a free country...OR to be an abused woman in horrific circumstances. Lately I found myself depressed by my worsening health, lack of good health care and services and stressors. But, when I really opened my eyes (figuratively), I saw how BLESSED I have been these past few months.
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I decided today to share some of my recent struggles. I typically only share after I've had answers or have come through the worst of times. But lately I've thought that others may be struggling. I may be able to offer help, a listening ear or a helping hand. Or it may simply be part of my acceptance and healing/brightening of my own journey. By hiding away and building up walls, it has kept me from progressing and joy. It is what it is and for today, that is okay.
Storms. Road blocks. Speed bumps. Accidents. U-turns. Construction. Ditches. Detours. We all face them in one way or another. I simply hope that today, and most days, I can be a positive influence on this journey of life we all share, instead of a gawking passerby all alone in my car never really stopping, seeing or living fully.
