Especially hard were the last 5 months of 2014. We were coming up short every month, but able to avoid debt in the beginning of 2014. But, with medical bills drowning us, we survived until we couldn't. After much prayer, we took a job with the railroad. The night of my husband's last day, someone hopped our fence and stole everything from our garden (except for the zucchini, which we had given the week before to all of our neighbors). I was mad and felt violated for 30 min and then shrugged my shoulders figuring they were desperate. We put money into selling our home and moved. Shortly thereafter someone stole our a/c unit (at most they would have made $40 from ours and the 15 other homes, church, and school they robbed, but will cost us thousands of dollars to replace). We stayed with my in-laws while I recovered from a flare up and then started living in a haunted house. We finally got the evil out and moved again. The first 8 weeks we only made $1,200 total. I don't know many people who can survive on $600 in a month, especially with a move, two house payments and attempts at taking care of the adorable, but wretched Topeka home. There were times we shook our heads and wondered if we had made a mistake. We went from coming up $500/mo short to coming up thousands short. I had never had credit card debt until this year. Quickly we maxed out our credit card on necessities. But, we knew God said to take this path and figured it would even out shortly. SIMPLIFY.
I was much more cautious in my choice of focus for 2015. I had little hope with my health and decided to refocus. HOPE, Health, and Happiness. We spent little on Christmas and kept cutting back.
(It turned out to be wonderful).
Almost immediately after I decided at the end of December what I'd focus on, I had to go to the ER, was rear ended by a gem of a lady, and all 3 of us got sick. A few weeks after my hubby finished his training, he got very ill. In a matter of minutes, he went from talking, to dizzy, running/stumbling to the bathroom, vomitting, and then started to get confused and cold. His body temperature was severely low, he was confused, eyes were twitching and then he stopped responding. I was holding him up in the bathroom with one arm, calling 911 against my shoulder, and keeping a tiny vomit bowl in the other. For about 30 seconds I got scared and told my love that he couldn't leave me. We hadn't even celebrated our 3rd yr anniversary. The ambulance came, they took him to the ER and rushed him to CT. For about 30 min they suspected a stroke. I wondered stroke or heart attack. I was calm through it, though, because I had felt as though he would be okay. A few days later he was bumped off work, then furloughed. They first said two months.
The next day, on our anniversary, we got the final call that the railroad furloughed 300 guys and most likely it will be until September.
Let me digress a bit and share that we thought we had been cautious in our financial and professional decisions. In a blessing I had been told I'd have a house that I'd raise my daughter in. It was what we looked for and planned on living in Topeka for a long time. We were approved for $120,000 and prayed over 3 beautiful homes, but got a "NO." We reevaluated and decided to go cheaper since we knew we would have to replace the hub's truck with over 200k miles and a back seat barely fitting the babe. We prayed and felt "ok" about a home half the price of our approval. I almost backed out twice and had a feeling/impression that I would really be angry we bought the house in the second year. I couldn't see any other option, since we had seen every house in our budget, and wanted out of the crappy apartments. I thought the warning was just a preparation for when something like the plumbing or electrical went arwy. The next time I didn't want to lose our $1,500 earnest money. Ohhhh, to only be out $1,500 now. What a small sum. :)
Fast forward to now and it makes sense. On paper everything looked like it would work out. Banks agreed and were amazed at our credit. But, God knew medical would come up and change would arise sooner than we'd planned. Surprises and twists came when I had a plan and God had another.
Now we were furloughed, maxed out with debt and in 3 weeks we would have no money for mortgage, rent, electricity or even toilet paper or milk. I was despondent, scared and confused. It seemed like every time we took a step forward, we were pushed back twice as far. Nearly everything we tried wasn't working out. I started reasoning which bill I would miss first and decided that we were past being able to catch up and I considered the worst case scenario. I would lose the home, car and even my cell phone (my only internet connection and link to family and friends). I couldn't see how it could possibly work out. I had gone from a 2,100 sq ft home and had always managed to stay afloat. Now I was thinking we would lose everything, sell what I had and move into the in-laws with 100 or 200 sq ft. for all we owned. But, I knew we weren't as lost as homeless or the many I saw across the world who were starving or wondering how they would literally love day-to-day. My husband has many talents and would get a job. I started to accept that if the worst happened, they were just things. This could be a "restart." My original plan was to have no debt (credit card) by the end of the year. This wasn't what I meant, but it was one way. A fourth option I hadn't considered. I needed the time to worry and grieve, but accepted it and became more open so God could teach me to really see.
I decided that they were simply things. What really mattered was my phenomenal hubby and precious daughter. Waves of frustration or jealousy would surface, but only for a quick moment. In the beginning I would be envious of people who could buy whatever groceries they wanted, take trips or replace broken sunglasses, car brakes, or smoking blow driers without a second thought. But, reminiscing of the past or keepin jealousy at the success of others didn't do me any good. I decided that focusing on what I used to have or trying to relive the past makes you miss the beautiful blessings of the present. I remembered the Kenyans I encountered in the slums. I also couldn't worry myself to death over the future. That could blind me to the possibilities of the present and essentially my future if I was paralyzed by fear or frustration.
I started thinking in my head, "I am so happy for you that you got to take a trip to Jamaica/Hawaii/see your family. I hope more goodness comes your way!" (And I seriously started to mean it with all kinds of people in different situations I originally viewed as better than mine (financially or physically speaking). I went from 80% happy/20% jealous to a 20/80 reversal to 100% happy for them.) By simply wishing for the best for people in my head, I started having more hope and happiness with my own situation.
Last year an amazing lady was inspired to help us when no one knew we were struggling and had no idea how we would move from one city to another. We planned on sacrificing, but now I'm sure I would have had another relapse in a time when we had no insurance. We held onto that for a long time knowing that God was aware of us.
This past month has been an incredible lesson in having faith, waiting, humility, and compassion. I learned I have judged others in my head. I had experienced short periods of having no money, but not to this extent. I was prayin for a miracle because it seemed impossible. I could all of a sudden relate to many more people, but was still incredibly blessed! Several people have rendered incredible amounts of kindness from pizza to coming to help me change my daughter, to milk and bread or texts and phone calls. We have SO much to be thankful for, even if the "Joneses" disagree.
I won't share all, but we tried being open to many possible options. We went to the temple and felt as though God would give just enough information, step-by-step into the darkness until he finally revealed His plan for us. Overall, I felt a message of "Wait for the answer, but keep moving forward." It sounds like a conundrum. But, I'd experienced it before with regard to travels, education and marriage. Wait, but don't sit in a corner covered in tears and chocolate wrappers. Sure, I did that on a couch with a cheesy movie playing in the background from time to time, but didn't live my life in doom and gloom.
With prayer and a shifted perspective, I started to grasp more deeply this concept of "With God nothing is impossible," "in the Lord's Due Time," "Come What May, and Love it," and step into the darkness with a glimmer of light and the Savior by your side. Since the temple and that attitude change, I have been at peace and haven't looked back at what I had before or entertained questions of doubt. I think I should almost expect doubt to follow big life changes or inspirations. It's just part of the process.
How many in the scriptures have had to wait and then conquered the seemingly or truly impossible with God by their side? What if they hadn't? Lot's wife couldn't let go and we know how she got smoked in the process. What if Moses had made it to the Red Sea, determined it was impossible and turned back to captivity or death? How much of history would be different? What if Abraham or even Isaac had said the journey didn't make sense and didn't follow through? What if Christ said, "Let this cup pass from me." Period. Not, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39) How would eternity be if Christ didn't fully accept God's will and timing in His life?
I think of the scripture, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24). When I read that, I read it in the same breath. I don't think that is how it was said, but sometimes I do the same in my life. I have never doubted that God is real, all knowing, all powerful and omnipresent. What I have doubted in is His timing with some pivotal decisions and accomplishments.
As I get older and witness more experiences of waiting and the lessons and blessings that come because of it, I see more of His perfect timing. With this recent scare and plentiful doubts, I've learned even more gratitude, patience, and trust in God.
I said I was NOT going to move for another 2 years, but God has a hilarious sense of humor. I still don't know for sure, but it looks like we will be moving again. One would be permanent (I say that cautiously) or temporary until we get the call back for the railroad. But both are great opportunities and we will make it just fine until then. We won't be swimming in a vault of $mulla$ like Scrooge McDuck, but that is good since I'm a bad swimmer and somewhat claustrophobic. We have been blessed with enough even though a lot has gone wrong. In the end, I suppose it has gone wrong according to my time table and understanding, but "right" by God's eternal calculation.
Here's to our next adventure with Hope, Health and Happiness. 
