Face your Fears. Don't stop Dreaming. Get your BRAVE on and DREAM on!

Do you find it funny that once Fall hits, we surround ourselves with some of our greatest fears? We add glitter to these decorative symbols, make the freakish critters more cartoonish, and plaster on some toothless smiles, but in the end we make October all about versions of our fears.



Spiders.
Skeletons.
Bats.
Zombies.
Jack-o-Lanterns
Witches.
Poisons.
Black darkness.
Ghosts.
Blood sucking villains.
Death.

The end of October has morphed into a funny little concoction of good and bad. Treats and tricks. Fears and fantasies, as we dress up and look around gawking at some frightful scenes. For me, the end of October is both a wonderful reminder of a blessed moment in my life and a cutesy display of some of my fears.

I remember in Kenya when I spoke with some people in the slums outside of Nairobi and when I sat in a tiny hut of the Masaai on the Masai Mara.

"God gave us the best and the worst."
"You like our roads? (Eye brow raised twice for a 'yes') They make you dance!"

The roads were so bad that you ricocheted all around as your cramped matatu swerved in and out and bounced up and down. But, these insightful people chose to look on the brighter side of things focusing not on the holes, missing pieces, and bumps, but on the positive. Dancing. Joyful. Moving forward. It was how they approached so much of life---looking on the brighter side of life and finding good things that came from bad. While in Mombasa or on safari, I also marveled at the gorgeous horizon speckled with magnificent beasts, glorious colors, and sounds of a variety of monkeys nearby. So much of the BEST! And while in Soweto I saw the sewage running through the streets, the black river nearby, children without parents, shoeless, and toothless chewing on sticks to ward off the hunger pangs. Too much of the WORST! But, they were the happiest people I've ever met as a whole. Their love, joy, and appreciation is something that has stuck with me throughout my life.

I feel like my life has been full of the BEST and some of the WORST (for me). I've lived several nightmares and all of my dreams up to this point. It's been great and it's been hard. But all in all, what has come out of it all has been quite remarkable. I appreciate my opportunities to really conquer some fears.

I used to be afraid of going blind and deaf.
I used to be afraid of dying.
I used to be (*more*) afraid of cockroaches and spiders. (Still a work in progress)
I used to be afraid of losing everything I owned.
I used to be afraid of robbers.
I used to be afraid of being in a wheelchair.
I used to be afraid of being home bound.
I used to be afraid of pain, broken bones, surgeries, doctors, etc.
I used to be afraid of massive debt.
I used to be afraid of being alone.
I used to be afraid of not being a good enough mom or wife.
I used to be afraid of not having enough money to buy food, pay for a home, or utilities.
I used to be afraid of people seeing my worst.
I used to be afraid of opening up to others. Vulnerability
I used to be afraid of ghosts/evil spirits.
I used to be afraid of risk.
I am still afraid of being bedridden or in a retirement home by my 40s.

Overall, it's been hard to face all of those things, but I've come out stronger. I've come to the edge of all or through all of them only to learn of my strength, fortitude, and talents. How could the WORST lead to the BEST?

• Having all of my senses dulled and at times taken away fully (temporarily) has taught me to see more clearly spiritually speaking. I've learned to draw on other senses, read lips (not expert level, but gets me by), feel more, and magnify other gifts that may have been dormant for much longer. 
• Starting to die (being on the edge of death twice, actually), taught me that I have nothing to fear, to continue living with zero regrets, and a closeness to God and Christ that I couldn't have learned any other way. 
• Ever since we returned to our home after the (*ahem, not-my-favorite*) renter left, we've had cockroaches for the first time. I have a phobia of them and when you add my MS nerve issues wherein my body FEELS like bugs are crawling all over, AND I was bit by a brown recluse...it makes for living a bit of a nightmare for a few months. THANKFULLY, we have eradicated the nasty beasts who shall not be named. My body still feels like bugs are crawling on it and we've found some gigantic orb spiders outside, but facing them regularly has caused me to be less afraid. I've learned some tricks to deal with it as well. Ice packs, sitting on my legs or lying on my arms funny until I can't feel it for a moment, and other such tricks make it more bearable.



One of the Orb spiders my hubby and daughter have named! He's outside, but intrigues and frightens me. Stretched out he is the size of a peach. But peaches would be WAY better in our backyard. Heck, I'd even name a few of the peaches 'Big Daddy.'

• We haven't lost everything we owned, truth be told, because I have angels on earth. Every time we were about to max out our last credit card, have $0 in the bank for months, lose my phone connection (my connection to the world), about to be sent to collections, etc, someone would be inspired to send us money. There were a few friends and family who were SO inspired that I have clung to their notes and memories of generosity with a fierceness I hadn't known before. I KNOW that God is aware of me and hasn't abandoned me because of my angels on earth. Prayers are answered. It may not be in the way we want and not even as extensively miraculous as we imagined, but he definitely is aware! We are doing a lot better now and that anxiety has decreased dramatically. I'm amazed at the happiness and peace you can feel when you have enough food and money for your home and utilities as well as health insurance!
• We were robbed 4 times in less than 2 years and now pay for it even longer than I imagined. But, I've learned things are just things. Peace truly only comes from the Prince of Peace. Everything really is God's anyway, which I hadn't entirely grasped before all of this. He can take it away and give back more than we had before. Others have their agency as well, which can impact our lives in a ripple effect that the victim and offender don't quite see immediately. However, as long as I'm doing my best, all will work out in the end. 
• I won't carry on with the rest of the list, but you get the idea. =) As long as you don't become BITTER, God will make you BETTER from the WORST placed in your path.

The last few months have taught me a great deal. My trigeminal and occipital neuralgia are getting worse. The 3rd medication has caused me to gain 25 (TWENTY FIVE) pounds in 2 and a half months. My depression, fatigue, nausea, strength, dizziness, and memory are worse. Scary worse. But, I can't see my neurologist until November. Do you find it funny that PATIENTS and PATIENCE (or being PATIENT) are too connected? I've been a patient of many doctors. Throughout my myriad of tests, surgeries, pin pricks, anxiety induced side effects, and added diseases and specialists, I've had to learn to be patient. This last Sunday a boy I taught Sunday School to returned from his mission to South Africa. He delayed his football acceptance to BYU to fulfill his mission first. He gave a wonderful talk and in between the room spinning, my searing eye and face pains, and nausea, I gathered that he became more patient while serving 2 years in Africa. He shared that patience is "able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious."  It hit me like a ton of bricks (I mean my eye feels like that daily, but figuratively speaking...) my anxiety and depression have increased with my Trigeminal and Occipital neuralgia. I'm on my 3rd medication for the severe nerve pain and it's not managing the pains well. I'm getting worse. I have always worked hard with patience wherein I hold back anger and consistently try to find the blessing in the burden. I continually try to give my selfishness to God, but I haven't successfully dealt with my problems or sufferings fully! Instead, I have hidden away because I don't want others to see me in so much pain or me at my worst. My pain ALSO increases when I do ANYTHING beyond my regular routine limiting exertion. So, instead of dealing with my 'pains, delays, problems, and sufferings' by entirely giving them to God, I have let my fear and anxiousness lead the way. I've been trying to take it all on by myself. Which has only lead to isolation and more anxiety. Humph. 

Imagine being in labor EVERY day for who knows how long. You are typically at a 4, but get attacks (contractions) leading to a 6 or 8 every day. In fact, the more you do, the faster your pain increases and stays with you. How many people would you invite into your delivery room on a daily basis? How often would you attempt walking the halls of the hospital? Getting out? Doing chores? By the way, you're on the third anesthesiologist and she said, "I'm too busy to see you. Let's wait 2 months and then we'll discuss a fourth attempt at managing the pain." The epidural takes some of the edge off, but you're still in a great deal of pain (I've had an epidural and 5 spinal taps...epidural is way better. haha). P.S. You get no baby from the labor day after day. Yay! =) Honestly, this pain is worse than labor (and I was in labor for several days). It's the only way I can describe my life for the last 2 years, but especially the last year. In the end, I have hidden away and limited myself so much that I was barely living. I was falling back into my zombie phase. Breathing. Eating. Sleeping. Nearly all of my energy was spent in barely surviving and taking care of my daughter. But by trying to avoid pain (at least more pain), I wasn't living. 

My friend's recent suicide opened my eyes as to just how much I was barely living. I used to DREAM big. I used to thrive on socializing, throwing parties, serving, offering a listening ear and a helping hand, communicating, achieving goals, and laughing a LOT. But, to continue dreaming and living in my big ways, I figured I needed money and energy, both of which were severely lacking. (We are doing okay now). Don't get me wrong. I have LOVED my life and have found GREAT JOY in very little things. I have enjoyed my husband and daughter immensely DAILY. I simply changed my dreams from BIG to small. But, eventually they were TOO small for me to thrive. I was just avoiding pain and surviving instead of dealing with the pain and thriving. Avoiding death isn't living. 

I used to love holidays with a passion few knew. My poor roommates endured all kinds of parties, decorations, and celebrations. One year I even 'made' my roommates celebrate Christmas in July. I made botched versions of pajama pants with my roomie, cut off branches from the apartment coniferous tree out front and attached them to a broomstick for our tree, and had tiny stockings filled with treats from Santa. The other Santa bought a small plastic kiddie pool. What a delight. Or the time I made my roommates do mystery murder dinners, cut down our own Christmas tree, and watch movies in line with the given holiday. Fast forward to the last few years...my hubby isn't into holidays. I knew it before I married him (and he was warned as to my over zealousness). Combine that with my decreasing health and you have a sad display of holiday ho hum. Two years ago I went to the zoo in a wheelchair and planned my daughter's birthday party. But then I was too sick to take her trick-or-treating. The next year we did less for her birthday party and then I struggled but was able to do trick-or-treating. This year my husband has encouraged me to CELEBRATE. For the first time in YEARS (even since my single days), we put out ALL of my Halloween decor! We found a free pumpkin patch and went when the weather was in the 60s. I didn't need my walker or a wheelchair! Sure, I've paid for it, but it was worth it. A few months ago I was living one of my nightmares. This month I'm living one of my dreams. I planned our family Halloween trick-or-treating costumes so I can be a part of it with my walker. We are going LOW KEY on my girl's bday so we can go all out for Halloween and her school bday party. (It was what she was most excited about). We've had everything and planned for a mystery murder dinner party for the past 3 years. But, October has brought issues (robberies, car issues, etc) every year. We've delayed. This year my husband said..."It will be FREE. We can do it. Let's make it happen this year." He and my lil girl have put up everything, we've gotten things ready, and I have so much to look forward to. (He truly spoils me). 

Last month, my daughter saw a moth. She gave herself a pep talk: "I not afwaid  of you bug! I so bwave! I gonna get you for mommy!" She ran around with a hand towel trying to save her mommy from yet another bug. Lately I've been thinking more about the opportunities I've had to be brave. October has morphed from my BEST and WORST into my BRAVE month. I always tell my daughter how much she is loved. We talk about her day, what was fun and great. But, recently I've been asking her if she had a chance to be brave. Introspectively I ask myself the same.  

FACE my FEARS. Don't stop DREAMING. GET my BRAVE on. DREAM on. 

And for the times when I feel too weak or afraid, I just remember to HOLD on. Stay in the boat and even though the storm may last, I'm gonna grow stronger. I'll better know my "CAPTAIN of {my} salvation, perfect through sufferings." (Hebrews 2:10)

You may be living one or more of you own nightmares. If you are, first off, I AM SO SORRY! I hope you know you aren't alone and that we can both get our BRAVE on and DREAM on! Thanks to all of you who have loved, supported, called, texted, messaged, been patient with my Facebook break/unplugging, and been there for me. HUGS from a distance!

Disgusting? Miraculous? BROWN RECLUSE spider vs the human recluse? BRING IT ON

SOoooOOOO, I'm about to gross you out with the NASTIEST post I've ever shared.

YOU
HAVE
BEEN
WARNED
!!!!

**If you have a phobia of spiders, don't read any further. Go breathe deeply and watch something Disney while thinking only happy thoughts....because I'm about to get REAL.**

It's no surprise to those who've read my posts or who have lived with me know that I HATE bugs. I might even hate bugs more than anyone you've ever known! I detest with a passion that is loud and comical to others. Bless every single roommate and family member who put up with my shrieks, dancing on top of a couch, and your brave annihilation of bugs on my behalf. And bless my wonderful husband who tries to save the ones he can and swoops in like my own personal superman to destroy the villains. And my sweet daughter who breaths deeply, gives herself a pep talk, saying, "I so brave. I not afraid of you bug. I gonna get 'em for you mom!" and off she runs to save the day. Although sometimes she breaks down in tears because that was a bug she liked. She tries to convince me that it was a nice spider or cricket. At least we both agree that cockroaches are evil and must be destroyed. I used to think that the WORST bugs were cockroaches. I actually do have a phobia of them and even have a hard time saying the name or typing it. I'm about 98.7% sure that they aren't going on to the Celestial Kingdom. I have a feeling cockroaches, chiggers, mosquitoes, and now brown recluse spiders are all gonna reside with Satan. You know the whole "fire and brimstone" taunts and terror? Cockroaches have to be somewhere in that nightmare too.

I never thought I'd hate anything more until this past month. It's funny how you don't notice something as often until it impacts you. It's like the proverbial red dot I heard about in psychology classes.

• DO NOT focus on the red dot. This red dot .  Seriously, stop looking at it. Don't think about it. 
• Inevitably you end up focusing on the red dot instead of forgetting about it. That is UNTIL you change your thought patterns by focusing on something else. Then the void and open stage of your consciousness can change paths. Focus on this BROWN dot .

On September 3rd I went to the temple because I was struggling so much with my friend's death and my newer health challenges. Between the twitches throughout my body, pain, weakness, and the incessant feeling that bugs are crawling on my legs or arms, my usual tricks haven't been enough. I decided getting out of the house and serving in a small way was a new trick to take my mind off of my challenges. It was that day that I realized I had been bit and my stomach wasn't happy with my lack of awareness. I didn't think much of it, but as time went on it got worse and worse. Within probably three days, the itching was out of control, the redness and swelling increased and the middle of the bite was an open sore. I still didn't think a whole lot about it because my immune system struggles and I figured it would just get worse before it got better. My philosophy is usually push through it and eventually you'll come out the other end okay. We didn't have money or insurance, so I grinned and bore it. And then it kept spreading-the swelling, red, open sore in the middle, and the itching was spreading beyond the bite all across my torso. My husband saw it through my clothes and said...WHOA! WHAT? I lifted my shirt and he immediately said, "That is a brown recluse spider bite!" I had no clue. I was just waiting for it to heal on its own. 

I wish I had taken pictures of the bite BEFORE the blessing. These have been pictures of the bite AFTER the blessing. You can't tell the scale for sizing either. It grew into the size of my FIST before I got the blessing. After the blessing the redness and swelling/raised skin stopped spreading. The insane itching throughout my torso also decreased over several days instead of spreading like it had before. The pictures aren't great quality and lighting is different in the most recent one. But, you can imagine the disgustingness. Sorry...but I figured you'd wanna see at least the after affects. 

Apparently with brown recluse spider bites, it destroys the tissue and spreads just like mine had.  My mother in law was telling me about someone in their ward who had diabetes, was bit on her foot without realizing it, and had to have it amputated. There were other signs (darker urine, for example) that I just brushed off. My body does weird things and doesn't heal as quickly as others. I had been thinking that day that the pain and itching were a bit too much and was gonna ask for a blessing. My awesome hubby immediately asked if I wanted a blessing. God knew we weren't in the position to go to the doctor or ER (we are now okay though-yay). JUST an anointed priesthood blessing and from then on it continued to heal. The redness that kept growing to the size of my fist had stopped spreading. The middle part of darkened skin that was like an open sore started to scab over by the second day I think (I have a bad memory). It's been ONE month since the spider bite (Sept 3rd) and it's almost all gone. It wasn't until later that I looked up brown recluse spider bites. You HAVE to have a STRONG stomach to see some of those. BLEH. 

The funny thing is that all of a sudden I noticed spiders even more than ever before. I had a spidey sense in the least beneficial way possible. There are these big spiders here who build their massive, dense webs, and it ends up killing the trees (at least that is how it looks). On the way to my friend's memorial, I noticed them ALL over the trees. I couldn't look outside the window. It was grossing me out and my anxiety was creeping up. 

No lie---these trees all along three states were covered in what I thought were spider webs that seemed to usurp life even from the tree itself. It turned out to be a certain type of bug. Either way, nastified!!!!

Having the Priesthood blessing and being on the road to recovery so quickly after the anointing was wonderful. It was a small miracle of healing that may have actually been a BIG blessing. I would love a healing of all of my diseases, but it's not time for that. Knock on wood (but not too much, because that is where those wretched brown spiders often hide), I still have all of my limbs and tissues (minus a gall bladder, but I'm not counting organs.) I AM BLESSED! Small miracles can be viewed through a grateful lens of magnitude beyond our limited comprehension. All miracles lead me to God and his love for me. 

Those dang dots. Did you forget about them? Distracted enough or filled in the gaps enough to not obsess? I've been thinking about my vision, my focus, and my drive. I have not done well at following the WHOLE FOOD, PLANT-BASED way of eating. Sure, I haven't had meat since Easter this year. But, I've indulged too much. I've been placing too much of my worth based entirely on my appearance, that dang number on the scale, and minute details in this way of eating. I couldn't see the BIG picture and let my mind get tangled in webs of lies (about my worth) and a focus so narrow I couldn't see myself or my situation clearly. 

The truth is I have some serious medical issues that make it very hard for me to lose weight or do very simple tasks. I gain weight incredibly quickly and take a very long time to let it go. I've been on and off so many different medications the past 4 years that my body has been blowing up on me. I've learned a lot about myself and God's omnipotence. 

As the spider's venom spread, the wound of entry refused to close or heal, and I tried to ignore it all, things just got worse. I needed intervention. Sometimes I've turned to the medical world (eastern and western medicinal practises) with moderate success depending on the illness. Sometimes I have been able to just bear it and rely on my own fortitude to endure. Sometimes I've only had God and his incredible power on high, the Priesthood, to turn to and have been incredibly blessed. 

This was a physical reminder of God's power and the need for intervention. It was a spiritual reminder as well. People can hurt you or you can hurt people. The venom, hatred, disgust, and poisoning breaks down a person no matter which side of the fight they were on. Sometimes the pain inflicted on us is mild enough we can deal with it on our own or with the help of someone else. Sometimes the wound and pain is so deep that we have to turn to heavenly intervention coupled with our faith to overcome the despair. The nastiness could make or break us and sometimes you've just got to cut the negativity out-whether it's within our own head or our surroundings. For me, my greatest challenge (emotionally) is loving and accepting myself for who I am. I love everyone around me, but have a hard time allowing the same love to spread into my own life. I also wonder if most (or all) of us come to earth with a weakness and even an addiction of some sort. Mine is food/sugar specifically and just as with any addiction, if you try to just avoid and NOT think about it, you may end up sabotaging later. If you don't open your heart and fill it with God's love and Jesus Christ's atonement, you may end up never leaving the addiction or switching to another one like the repulsive spiders change from one branch to another. I guess this past year I'm learning to let the true gardener take control and cut out what can cause me harm. 

I'm so grateful for so many people who lift me up, share in carrying heavy burdens, and dispel darkness when I'm consumed by suffocating stress or depression. 

Hopefully we can focus on what matters most. Not the red, searing pain we experience throughout our mortal experiences. Not the brown, nasty, gross parts of Satan's sad seducing webs of lies. Just on Christ and God. Like Peter who walked on water, lost his view, focused so much on his surroundings and began to drown. I hope to look upward more instead of sideways! Thankfully Christ is always there to clear the cobwebs, lift us from the tossing waves of burden, remind us of our worth, and we can come out stronger, healed, and full of love.

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