Saturday Songspiration: Prayin' by Ke$ha

This was the first video/song I loved from Kesha. There is a depth of meaning and symbolism I had not seen in her music or many music videos out there. Sadly, she's gone through a lot of horrible struggles that brought out this song. Granted, most of the video I'm sure is intended for Sony and the doctor. It doesn't entirely fit with my situation. But I take the message of, "Hope you're praying," as a personal directive to pray often. Truly, the overall message for myself and the medical world fits to an extent that touched me through this video. I especially can relate to the day of my failed minor brain surgery. Waking up in the middle of my surgery and not being able to go back to sleep felt quite like she starts in both the coffin and the wreckage in the middle of the ocean, the bleak unknown. I also felt like I was abandoned by everyone in the medical world as each of them told me there was nothing more they could do for me. What a blessing prayer has become to me, specifically (not so much anyone else praying for their own soul). When my only options for healing, survival, and communication were through God, prayer became a priceless blessing.

When I first saw this video I thought it was beyond bizarre. But when you consider the pigs to be my anesthesiologist and my neurosurgeon, who stood over me and caused me pain (unintentional), you can see my perspective. I literally thought they were killing me when I woke up on the surgical table. I screamed (as she does), I cried (it felt like acid running down my face), the numbness was unrecognizable, the severity of pain was excruciating, and I worked hard to hide the pain so I could just leave the hospital as soon as possible. As the days went on, I put on my "face" like war paint getting ready for a war (with my own body) every day, facing each moment in a funny death-defying mixture of fear and faith. =) (I know it's a silly paradox to the extreme and they mix as well as oil & water. But there were some ups and downs like the weather in Kansas; one extreme to the other in no time flat). Maybe the pigs are my pains (anesthesia dolorosa, trigeminal, occipital, and geniculate neuralgias, MS, fibro), the net my limitations, the wings like a sparrow God never forgets, the piano symbolic of the healing power of music, the whale a symbol of God's majesty, the colors like a rainbow that comes after the rain and tears, the TVs mixed messages of what really matters, false realities, and where my value stands, and so many more symbols and double meanings.

Thankfully I had a great deal of support from friends and family, learned how to see the color of life in time, and am coming to peace with it all. I am definitely changed and I'm still chained down to an extent. I have a long ways to go. But, just as I started to move my own body from the surgical table, learned to smile, laugh, and talk again despite the pain, and am piecing together my life through prayer, God, and support from angels here on earth and those on the other side, I see a great deal of HOPE and happiness.

When I see this video it inspires me to fight. To go outside more. I've avoided the sun because of what it does to my body. I've stayed inside because of the unpredictability of so many of my diseases, triggers, and attacks. When I watch this I want to pray and then DO something. It inspires me and reminds me that I'm NOT alone, abandoned, or trapped. Peter started to drown and called out. Kesha felt like she was drowning and sang out. I've felt like I'm drowning and I've reached out. The blessings and support have been life-saving. We can be saved and walk like Christ walked with his grace and peace. Above water, facing forward, looking upward, reaching outward.

Also, #freeKesha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Dur3uXXCQ

Blog Post 3 in #40by40

Rebecca the AMAZING

In the last 4+ years I've had 5 people whom I could relate to with physical trials. Sadly, in the last year 3 of those dear people have passed away. Rebecca was the one I was the closest to. She and I exchanged gifts, laughs, thoughts, support, memories, random messages, and loads of love. The last few weeks of her life we talked about death, the next life, fears, funny things people say, funeral, pain (she surprisingly didn't have a lot of pain through parts of it), her family, living for the day, great memories and "soul sisterhood." She cracked me up calling herself cyclops and talked about how she was struggling putting into words everything she felt and experienced ("Win, Win").

These are treasures to me!

She was incredibly talented and thoughtful.

Rebecca taught me a GREAT deal from the first day I met her. These past years she has served me many times even in her suffering. She made a quiet book for my daughter to get through church when Mike was on the railroad most Sundays. She sent movies when I was home-bound. When my hair was falling out she sent this powder stuff to help my confidence. About a month before she was sent home to die she sent me a rock with the word HOPE engraved and little notes of hope to open when I was feeling lost. She sent messages, support, thoughts, and love in the most Christ-like way you can imagine. She also showed me how to LIVE and THRIVE. Her blog alone is about thriving and she truly lived moving forward with HOPE. She was a light to everyone who knew her. (https://choosingtothrive.wordpress.com). She didn't stop living, wallow in self-pity, or live in la-la-land. She accepting things as they were, processed them, and then got up to live each day. She truly learned to thrive despite great trials. She fought an aggressive cancer FOUR times in five years! She passed away at only 35. And yet the things she accomplished in her short time on earth were astounding. Even more than that, though, were the hundreds...thousands of people she blessed.

I'd like to say that the past two weeks I've been able to focus on the positive. But, I've kind of sucked at it. Not only are there several extra stressors coming up in my life, which are also affecting me physically in new ways (just MS spikes, nothing like my Oct-Dec relapses), but I'm just not dealing too well with Rebecca's passing. However, I can't deny the reminder over and over that she had a great deal of uncertainty and struggles but continued to make the best of it. Take control over what she could and live to the best of her ability! The best way I can mourn her life is to honor it and follow her example.

I've decided I need to accept the pain more than I have before. Instead of waiting for it to pass or hiding away because I'm too afraid to bring on more pain, I want to THRIVE, as my dear friend did! By doing more, I accept that more pain will come. I didn't realize how much I smiled until I couldn't. I am known as "the laughy girl," laughs-a-lot, or the girl you can hear a hallway away, but through the past year I lost some of that. I was forced to stop laughing, smiling, & talking, but I'm ready to thrive again. To stop just "not dying," but LIVE again. I'm making this next year my "Lazarus" year. I can't bring Rebecca back, but I sure can live as she would. ALL IN!

She noticed I was struggling carrying my things and the humidity as we were walking the streets of Italy to the monastery we were staying in. She offered to take my bag, even though she had her own. Symbolic in so many ways.

We LOVED Greece

Ephesus, Turkey

A guy outside of Turkey wanted to take us where we wanted to go. But Rebecca and I didn't feel good about him. Thankfully we found someone else and shared with a cute family. She followed the Spirit and her heart in so many ways.

Some of my FAVORITE people on the planet! (Greek uncles and aunt, Rebecca & Brecken)

Night train through France into Italy was wildly entertaining. Pretty much anything with Rebecca is deeply spiritual or wildly entertaining!

Rebecca was getting a better view of the Queen of England. The strength and balance she had in life was admirable. 

We stayed in a few castles in Ireland and she went with me to explore the whole place. (There were a shocking amount of doors and windows unlocked. haha). When she entered a place she didn't just enter, she ENTERED and explored! =) 

I have cried and cried that I will no longer hear her voice (Voxer deleted all of our messages) or get her messages. Maybe I'll be lucky and she will send messages in other ways. 

At a medieval banquet in a medieval castle, this guy was hitting on her SO much telling her in HIS castle she would be his queen. All while his wife, who didn't speak English, sat across the table. Rebecca was a CATCH and admired by young and old. 

Where they used to fight and then we had to fight our bodies even more back in the states. 

Lough Key castle was the one we rowed to in the rain. Rebecca let me use her camera to record video and take pictures. The picture on my blog was from this little adventure. I love that she included that part of our venture in her memorial video too. Recently I thought of the song, "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream."

My chickanas in Northern Ireland near a massive rope bridge. They encouraged me through my fear of heights. Who knew years later they'd encourage me through other fears?

She was beautiful inside and out!

Always the adventurer. She saw this in the airport and we decided to go there first the following day. This was how Rebecca lived her life. She saw an opportunity and took it. She saw what was below, but focused mostly forward and looked up. 

SaveSave

START your IMPOSSIBLE

I used to love watching the Olympics. Strength, inspiration, beauty.

But this year was harder.

I once owned a Burton snowboard and DC boots...for a week. My car broke down so I had to return them. Nevertheless, when I had an opportunity to get on a mountain, I took it. Snowboarding used to be one of my favorite hobbies. I also used to love going to high school and college games, but my FAVORITE sport to watch live was hockey! I cheered louder than most cheerleaders in any sport, but especially in hockey. (Hockey cheerleaders would probably be hilarious.)

I've given up most of my old hobbies simply because I'm limited. But, as I watched the Olympics I caught myself getting angry. I want to get back to doing those things, but my immediate thought was..."I'm disabled. I can't. I wouldn't make it a yard. The pain would be too intense."

Then I saw a commercial for Toyota. START YOUR IMPOSSIBLE

"I've outrun fear. I've outrun pain. I've outrun anger...and doubt...and self-pity. But it's not how far I've come, it's how far I'll go."

I bawled. BAWLed. He uses everything he's got to take it ONE more step. I don't struggle walking that much. But I do feel like I've moved through this past year at about that same speed.

I've accomplished a lot this past year. As in...I didn't die. I've learned to live a little more each day. But, I've avoided a lot too in attempts to keep my pain at bay. I don't feel like I've outrun fear, pain, anger, or doubt. In fact, they've taken over my body and my life. (Anger is a new one, although you wouldn't know it if I hadn't told you.)

When my friend, Rebecca, and I spoke before she died, I thought about the life she has lived. She had to fight over and over, but she chose to THRIVE. She lived DAY to DAY and really made the most of her time. She wasn't one to wallow in self-pity or live in la-la-land. She accepted struggles, took time to get through it, and then stepped up and thrived.

So, I decided that I CAN snowboard again. Why not? I may only do one slide down the bunny hill, but oh my heart, I could try! Who cares if I fall, twitch, and cry because of the pain? I'll have done it on a mountain instead of my couch. What if the most I do is buckle in my boots, fall all over before I set a foot on the powder, and have to sit down again? Hot chocolate and a fireplace with my love doesn't sound bad either!  Bring it.

Why not try a hockey game again? The cold is hard on me and I can't open my mouth wide much, but I could attempt a game. Even if I only last 10 minutes, I will have done it! Play on!

I turned 39 recently (GASP) and have one more year until I'm 40 (double GAASP). So, I've decided to do 40 things before I hit 40. Instead of stepping lightly through life, trying to avoid as much pain as possible, I can accept my pain, fear, doubts, and recent anger, and allow it all to push me to new heights. I don't want to wait until it passes or avoid as much as possible to keep only 10% of pain away. I want to be fearless amidst the pain and doubts. It will take ONE step at a time and I'll do it WITH the pain. **If you have suggestions to add to my 40 TO DO list, please let me know!!!!

40 TO DOs before 40

1. Snowboard
2. Visit a new state
3. 40 days NO sugar
4. Visit 4 friends 
5. Travel more than 400 miles by car
6. Take 400 pictures
7. 40 positive posts via Facebook
8. Memorize 4 scriptures
9. Write 40 letters
10. Swim
11. Watch 40 movies
12. Make 40 people smile
13. Set up office
14. Talk to 40 people on the phone (gulp)
15. Watch 40 sunsets or sunrises
16. Plan 40 WFPB meals
17. Record all blessings
18. Write 40 pages
19. Sleep 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. 40 times
20. Make 4 cards
21. 4 Scrapbook pages or crafts
22. Lose 40 pounds
23. 40 hours at the temple
24. 4 date nights
25. Read at least 4 books
26. Donate 40 things
27. Help 4 people with something they can't do for themselves
28. Anniversary celebration 
29. CAMP!!!!
30. Calligraphy
31. Paint 4 rocks and put them in public places for others to stumble UPon (not on)
32. Involvement with a charity or institute positive change
33. Find 40 butterflies
34. Appreciate changing seasons in 4 ways (fall leaves, tulip festival, snow angel, etc)
35. Lake Day/Night
36. Make 4 new meals
37. Highlight the New Testament
38. Frame and put up 4 pictures
39. Water Aerobics
40. Symphony