Recently I read about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, complaining about the monotonous meals of manna, their travails, and not trusting God, therefore giving up their inheritance of the promised land. Despite many miracles and opportunities, the ungrateful and untrusting generation had to pass before the uprising generation received the blessings.
This past year I've been in my "manna moment" as I've wandered through my own "wilderness." My lil two year old has always been funny about monotony. She has always detested change, but demands variety. For example, in one aspect of her life, eating has always been a struggle. Very rarely will she eat the same thing four days in a row. One week she may love broccoli, bread, and raisins. She may love Cheerios, rice, and berries. But, by the fourth day, she despises it and will take a week, a month, or half a year before she will touch it again. There is no go-to food for her. She abhors Mac and cheese or anything put together (ie sandwiches). Her longest standing morsels of munching have been pretzels, broccoli and milk. But even then, we have had to change it up. She keeps me on my toes and it is good for me too. :) She acts out when big changes occur, but acts out if things are the same, as well.
I have discovered that I am similar with regard to several aspects of my life. I chose the be a case manager and teacher because there was variety. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but I envisioned it quite differently. Holidays and celebrations like I did with my roommates, meals around the table, trips to the park, dancing and running, building forts, crafting, and so much more. Lately in my head, I've been tantrumming like a toddler.
My health continues to decline. I have gone from being able to go out two to three times a week (grocery shopping, drives, etc) to barely once a week. It has all been uncharted territory for me, since I don't know anyone else with MS at my level and sole responsibility for a child as young as mine. In the interview for my husband's new job, they warned that the divorce rate is high, mothers at home basically become single mothers, and it is a hard job. It scared us enough that we prayed again and felt a resounding YES that he is supposed to work for the railroad. It has been tough and some things were harder than they said and not as great as they bragged. In the long run, we know it will be worth it. In the short run, my blessings keep telling me that tithing will bless us with a roof over our head and food on the table.
Thankfully, I have an incredible husband and we have a marvelous marriage. We have almost been married for three years and we still daily talk about our blessings and how lucky we are to have each other.
But, I'll admit, I have been a bit jealous lately. I haven't complained much out loud, but in my head I have been quite like the Israelites. I have missed when I could go out every single day. I have missed seeing a variety of friends and coworkers. I have missed going grocery shopping and buying whatever we wanted. I have missed having tv AND internet (I am typing all of this on my phone--the only internet we have had for 2+ months). I have missed buying outfits when current ones don't fit or are torn for my family and me. I have missed the variety. I have looked back longingly. I wear the same 6 shirts, 2 borrowed capris, and 1 pair of pants every week. I stay inside almost all day, every day. I clean up poop and pee every day, but only cook over a stove once a week (on a good week). I try going to church every week, but spend a good amount of time in the bathroom, car, or standing outside in 14 degree weather because my body can't cool itself down or handle anything above 70 degrees. I have had diarrhea every day for 7 months, fevers and chills and my period for almost a whole month, and shake, walk funny, and am fatigued beyond belief. I have what I need, because I am not homeless (half of our monthly income goes to our TWO homes), but I have been agitated and ungrateful .
I tend to be a grateful person who tries to find the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. But, lately I have just been lame. I have decided that I may feel quite hopeless with my health, and felt like every day was the same. God threw us a fast curve ball and things have been changing. I never know when my husband will be home or what my body will be capable of for the day. Now I want to go back to the manna. Set schedule, outings two days a week, and one home. :) ha.
But, remembering and learning from the Israelites, I can see that I need to remember what miracles I have been given and God's hand in my life. I wonder if in at least one point in all of our lives we will have to experience the manna as we wander in the wilderness. We may not know another soul who has endured the exact same trials or journeyed along the same path. But, we do know that Christ has experienced it all and will lead us to the promised land. You cannot get to the promised land, as the person you need to be without first walking with God through the wilderness. It may just be me, but I know I am supposed to be learning much. To trust God when it seems like things aren't working out and we play up the challenges to giants. We sometimes put on the blinders and think the captivity we experienced earlier is easier than being pushed out of our comfort zone.
God is giving me "mini-miracles," showing me my strength coupled with His, and I cannot forget that while this may not look like the life I had imagined, I am on the path I hoped for all those years. I continue to laugh daily, stumble a little, but regularly glance upward.
