Sunday, February 14, 2016

How are YEW? How arrrrre You?

I remember the sweet Kenyans chasing our matatus (mini van taxis) through the slums outside of Nairobi. They would laugh, smile, pop a thumb up and say, "How are you? How are YeeeWWWW?" We would respond, "Great! How are you?" Since most didn't have the privilege of education, they hadn't learned any English beyond this simple phrase. They would stare at us and repeat just as enthusiastically as before, "How are you?" They had nothing, but were some of the happiest people I have ever met.
No shoes. 

Some hole-ridden Disney shirt from the 80's and a pair of pants barely hanging on. 

MAYBE one piece of fruit for the whole day to eat. 

Chewing constantly on wood. 
Surrounded by a black river, sewage through the street, rubbish all over. 

Lucky if they had a tiny home consisting of a filthy assortment of cardboard, corrugated metal, and a dirt floor.

But they were HAPPY!

I left Kenya almost 12 years ago and it forever changed me. I remember coming back to my tiny apartment, attending a RS social, and leaving early bawling because I felt so utterly blessed. My perspective had changed. I really did feel like a mzungu (meaning both 'white/European decent' and 'rich'). I had returned to the same situation, but my eyes had been opened!



(I have ALWAYS been grateful for indoor plumbing)

It's funny to look back on my experiences. I didn't feel rich by American standards, but I did by Soweto slum standards. I came back to a job, a working car, an ability to walk and go outside every day, connections to others, internet, a phone, tv, incredible friends, wonderful family, health insurance, plenty of food, opportunities to serve in church and community, and had clothes with no holes! Before Kenya, I felt lucky, optimistic, and blessed. But I had never considered myself rich.

I really was rich.

The past two years, I've again felt NOT rich. We went a year with no internet. We had no tv for a year. {Which is saying a lot for someone who is almost entirely homebound with a rambunctious toddler}. We have gone almost a year with only one working car and me only being able to go out once a week typically. There were times I had to get toilet paper and milk from my in laws because our $5/week grocery budget was still too high. Our medical bills climbed, we added new health diseases, and had little to no work, health coverage, or hope from time to time. I didn't complain when a neurologist wanted me in the hospital, a dentist wanted to fix a cavity, and a doctor wanted tests done but I simply told them I couldn't afford it. I went without for over a year. But, I reminded myself often that I wasn't as bad off as SO many people across the world. In September 2015, things seemed to be turning around a bit. My hard working hubby was hired on permanently and was getting OVERTIME! In 3.5 months we made the same amount as we made the first 8.5 months of the year. We were ALL getting insurance, my aunt gave me money to go see a doctor about all my health problems, a friend sent money making it possible to visit family for Christmas and we were able to pay our bills instead of going into debt. Ahhhh, making it paycheck to paycheck again...life was good!

After reading about Nephi and Laman's different reactions to their WILDERNESS (and what they thought could make them happy), my hubby read some quotes along with our studies...

Elder Neal A. Maxwell shared how great lessons often come after difficulties: “Nephi’s broken bow doubtless brought to him some irritation, but not immobilizing bitterness. After all, he was just trying to feed the extended family, so why should he have to contend as well with a broken bow? Yet out of that episode came a great teaching moment. Irritation often precedes instruction” (If Thou Endure It Well [1996], 128).

I have had moments in my life where I have been wandering, I have been irritated but hopeful, and also when I have experienced immobilizing bitterness. The longer I stayed in the valley of hopelessness without reaching out for help or in the desert of despair, depression, discouragement, and distrust, the more I wandered. Thankfully I continue to learn that Christ, the Prince of Peace, Living Waters, our Redeemer is ALWAYS there for me. I have received a great deal of instruction after some great irritations. (No one on earth has experienced more than Christ).

Another favorite:::

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that adversity can help stimulate necessary growth in our lives:
“May I share some suggestions with you who face … the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments.
“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1995, 18; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 16–17).
Wow! YESSSSS!!! This was our past year and a half! We aren't out of the woods just yet. But I am quite happy that we are here instead of where we were in 2014 and 2015!!
Before I moved to Kansas, if anyone had asked me if I considered myself a relatively patient, compassionate, optimistic person who had experienced a great deal of pain, suffering, depression, loneliness, fatigue, and struggles financially, emotionally, and physically, I would have emphatically shouted "YES!!!!"  But, little did I know God had some plans for stretching on the horizon. I don't feel like my experiences have changed who I am, but instead just made me more so. I am closer to God and Christ. I have more compassion, faith, understanding, and hope. I thought I could accurately predict who would help the most in dark times and where to turn for assistance. In many cases I would have predicted well, some I would have been way off on, and a few I NEVER would have guessed. I think it has been those who have struggled the most, who have been stretched beyond their capacity, who TRULY do understand financial, emotional, physical, social, etc struggles who have been my greatest help and allies. 

To anyone else who is being "STRETCHED," my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are blessed with angels on earth, someone to turn to, and a strength, peace, hope, or outpouring of love that you haven't experienced before. It will eventually get better. Way, way later than you anticipate, hope, or pray for, but as long as you keep trying, turn to God and reach out, it WILL {eventually} get better. OR you'll get stronger so you can BETTER handle it. Either way. It will get better. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Mountain Moving with a teaspoon or a shovel?

Have you ever been so sick that you stayed on the couch or in bed for several days? Have you ever been so sick that you had to stay inside for 6 or 7 whole days? Have you ever NOT been able to drive (broken car or another reason) for weeks or months and missed the freedom and independence? By the end were you going "Stir Crazy"? That has been my life for the last several years. I typically ONLY go out once a week. IF I go out more than that, I pay for it (more pain, vision, hearing and intestines are bad, more stabbing pains in eyes/face/head, increased nausea, fatigue and weakness, as well as twitching muscles or shakiness and more numbness and tingling). BUT, there are times that it is worth it. Lately I've been asking my hubby to take me on drives after he gets home from work. It is hard to go from working 14 hour days, being incredibly social, traveling, and visiting my family, to NOTHING. 

I suppose the past week or two it has gotten to me.



I've thought a lot lately about MOUNTAINS and the FAITH to move them. I always have had faith in God, Jesus and their power. At 4 or 5 I remember praying for things and believing they would happen. My little prayers were answered. When I was 8 or 9, I cried to my parents about how you knew the gospel of Jesus Christ (Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints) was true, I prayed and gained my own testimony with incredible confidence. Fast forward to when I was 19 and thought I was going blind and deaf, woke up with huge bruises for no reason, intestines screamed at me when I got too hot, had to stop exercising and gained 90 pounds in less than a year. I wondered if I had enough faith to move THIS mountain. 

I prayed EVERY SINGLE DAY for TWELVE years for healing. I believed that I could be healed IF it was God's will. But, I learned it was NOT God's will for me to be healed. So, I accepted it and dealt with it. In looking back, I think it was good that it took almost 5 years to discover what was wrong with me. I think it was good that I lived in denial for a long time afterwards too. I simply learned to adapt. 
  • When I couldn't see, I turned my head in the direction of others talking and pretended like nothing was wrong until my vision returned. Or I sat or felt for a wall to balance myself until I could see again.
  • When I couldn't hear, I learned how to read lips (not great, but enough to manage). I nodded a lot until my hearing returned. 
  • When I couldn't see OR hear at the same time, I just nodded sporadically and waited.
  • When I fell or dropped things, I just laughed it off.
  • When I was dizzy, I learned how to move slower, sit more, and distract people with questions.
  • When I was depressed, I learned to serve others and find out more about them.
  • It took me a while to correlate my heat intolerance with my issues, but once I learned the connection I covered myself with ice packs, did more inside (a/c) and learned to always check where a trash can was (in case I had to vomit) and where a bathroom was in every place I visited.
I was 19 and scared, but quickly learned to just make the best of things. I learned that I could gain strength through God and Jesus with prayer and priesthood blessings. I had faith to move forward even when the answer was "NO" or "NOT YET." As new symptoms came with new relapses and new diseases have been added to my broken bod, I have adapted and pushed forward.

Fast forward to 2014 and 2015 and I started to wonder again if I could climb these mountains. It had grown to a mountain range! 


My daughter and I decided to color and my hands were working well enough for me to create this to visually express myself. 

2014 I thought was bad with a move, change in career, only being paid $600 the first two months, paying for THREE homes, a MS relapse, worsening side effects from my MS med (horrible diarrhea every single day for 7.5 months along with a bit of hair loss), and being robbed! 

It turns out those were more like HILLS. 


2015 was much worse with 

Two Furloughs.
Two Mini-Strokes.
FOUR robberies (incl Topeka).
Hair falling out so much that I was balding.
Stabbing eye/face/head pains with no answers for a while.
No internet or tv for a year, and $25-$5/week budget for groceries.
Sensation of bugs crawling all over and toenail ripped off (cursed MS).
Hubs not being able to work-didn't recover as quickly from 2nd mini-stroke.
Asking for help and being rejected or told to wait until we weren't nearly as desperate.
Depressing conversations like selling everything, breaking lease, moving in with family, and who would take care of our daughter if we both died or became bedridden or incapacitated in any way.

I felt hopeless.
But each time I felt supreme despair, someone would surprise me because they were inspired.

THANKFULLY, even though I didn't reach out enough or talk to enough about our struggles, there were some angels on earth who were inspired. It gave me hope and showed me that God IS aware of us. He worked MIRACLES through them and I'm eternally grateful. All while I was trying to climb the mountain and pretending like I was fine even as I was falling off a cliff. Kind of like when I started to die...I didn't reach out and pretended like I was fine. (Until I couldn't and collapsed at work, but then I just worked on my couch. Or when I ended up in the ER with my eyes rolling in the back of my head, slurring my words, etc). "I'm fine."
(I wish I had pictures of all of my angels on earth!)

Jesus said, "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."


I never could imagine a situation where I would NEED to move a mountain. But, I believed anything was POSSIBLE with God. Lately, though, I've been doubting my own ability to move these mountains placed in front of me. The other day I read again about the pioneers who LITERALLY carved out stone from a mountain and MOVED it to the sacred spot in Salt Lake City. It took 40 years for them to finish the temple! There were many who sacrificed an incredible amount to build a temple that has blessed a prodigious amount of people. While I hope it doesn't take ME 40 freakin years, I HOPE that I can move this mountain. It may only bless my sweet lil family and me, but it sure would be a blessing!




Speaking specifically about my HEALTH mountain, I have thought about how stone by stone, I may have to do the work over an extended amount of time before I see great results. But what if it ONLY takes me a year before I see great results? All these years I've tried the world's way (HcG, pills, diets like Weight Watchers or Raw, shakes like Slim Fast or Herbalife, excessive exercise, etc). All failed attempts resulted in minimal success and a lot of frustration. WHY NOT TRY GOD's WAY? I always figured I was great with the Word of Wisdom (https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng)  since I've never tasted alcohol, tea, coffee, tobacco, or recreational drugs. Heck, I've never even tasted things like Mountain Dew or Coke because I didn't want stimulants in my body (my sister's cardiologist was glad we didn't consume caffeine). But, it turns out I was focusing a lot on the do NOTs (and received blessings by not having those addictions) and not focusing enough on the DOs. The world and nutritionists teach the opposite...eat MORE meat->Protein every 3 hours focusing on animal sources and eat LESS grains! The word of wisdom says GRAINS are the foundation and staff of life. Then add a variety of fruits and vegetables with meat sparingly, specifically during winter, cold, or famine. I have changed my diet SLOWLY and in July started following the Word of Wisdom step by step (in small ways) and started losing weight. I also cut out sugar (one of my worst inflammatories). I did it July, August, and September and lost 5 pounds each month. January 1st I decided to jump all the way in with the Word of Wisdom by only eating meat three times a week, and using a variety of grains, fruits and vegetables. Within ONE month I lost 11.5 pounds! I've NEVER lost that much weight in a month and it was easy. I wasn't hungry, I didn't count calories and learned new foods I loved (brussels sprouts and artichokes). I had no idea plants had calcium, protein, and all I needed! I continue to lose weight and while I can't say I feel GREAT, I'm having a little less stabbing pains and a little more strength. This past Sunday I walked the ENTIRE time on my own. I don't know if I have done that for at least two years. 

I'm kicking myself for waiting 17-18 YEARS before I tried God's way. Until now, I feel like I was trying to move my mountain with a TEASPOON and found myself tired, overwhelmed and disappointed. Other times I was just circling the mountain over and over and over. I felt a bit like Anna in Frozen trying to climb a mountain. 
 

 On Sunday, I shared some of my testimony about this topic and an awesome gal shared this with me. 
I love it and it fits perfectly!


 For anyone else out there who has a mountain (or mountain RANGE) you are climbing, I hope you can reach out and gain strength, hope, and patience with yourself as you're moving forward. God moves mountains in different ways-sometimes we move the soil beneath our feet. Other times it is so steep that we have to get on our hands and knees. Sometimes there is a path already carved into the mountain so we can ride up the mountain more easily. But, you're not alone. I've been feeling alone off and on the past year. It's Satan whispering (or screaming) of the loneliness, fear and despair. Yesterday I underestimated the openness of Facebook and realized that I'm not actually alone in the journey. Thankfully I always have my husband and wonderful family (close and amazing in laws who have supported me SO much and my family who lives far away). But, it helps to have others who have climbed their own mountains who reach down to help me up.




Steps Christ would have climbed to meet Pilate
 Sometimes I have a hard time with who I used to be, what I used to be able to do and who I am now (with so many limitations). But, who I am as a spirit matters more than who I am physically. My whole soul is NOT just my body.

Thank you to those of you who have helped lift me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you to those of you who did for me what I couldn't do for myself physically.