Mountain Moving with a teaspoon or a shovel?

Have you ever been so sick that you stayed on the couch or in bed for several days? Have you ever been so sick that you had to stay inside for 6 or 7 whole days? Have you ever NOT been able to drive (broken car or another reason) for weeks or months and missed the freedom and independence? By the end were you going "Stir Crazy"? That has been my life for the last several years. I typically ONLY go out once a week. IF I go out more than that, I pay for it (more pain, vision, hearing and intestines are bad, more stabbing pains in eyes/face/head, increased nausea, fatigue and weakness, as well as twitching muscles or shakiness and more numbness and tingling). BUT, there are times that it is worth it. Lately I've been asking my hubby to take me on drives after he gets home from work. It is hard to go from working 14 hour days, being incredibly social, traveling, and visiting my family, to NOTHING. 

I suppose the past week or two it has gotten to me.

I've thought a lot lately about MOUNTAINS and the FAITH to move them. I always have had faith in God, Jesus and their power. At 4 or 5 I remember praying for things and believing they would happen. My little prayers were answered. When I was 8 or 9, I cried to my parents about how you knew the gospel of Jesus Christ (Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints) was true, I prayed and gained my own testimony with incredible confidence. Fast forward to when I was 19 and thought I was going blind and deaf, woke up with huge bruises for no reason, intestines screamed at me when I got too hot, had to stop exercising and gained 90 pounds in less than a year. I wondered if I had enough faith to move THIS mountain. 

I prayed EVERY SINGLE DAY for TWELVE years for healing. I believed that I could be healed IF it was God's will. But, I learned it was NOT God's will for me to be healed. So, I accepted it and dealt with it. In looking back, I think it was good that it took almost 5 years to discover what was wrong with me. I think it was good that I lived in denial for a long time afterwards too. I simply learned to adapt. 

• When I couldn't see, I turned my head in the direction of others talking and pretended like nothing was wrong until my vision returned. Or I sat or felt for a wall to balance myself until I could see again.
• When I couldn't hear, I learned how to read lips (not great, but enough to manage). I nodded a lot until my hearing returned. 
• When I couldn't see OR hear at the same time, I just nodded sporadically and waited.
• When I fell or dropped things, I just laughed it off.
• When I was dizzy, I learned how to move slower, sit more, and distract people with questions.
• When I was depressed, I learned to serve others and find out more about them.
• It took me a while to correlate my heat intolerance with my issues, but once I learned the connection I covered myself with ice packs, did more inside (a/c) and learned to always check where a trash can was (in case I had to vomit) and where a bathroom was in every place I visited.

I was 19 and scared, but quickly learned to just make the best of things. I learned that I could gain strength through God and Jesus with prayer and priesthood blessings. I had faith to move forward even when the answer was "NO" or "NOT YET." As new symptoms came with new relapses and new diseases have been added to my broken bod, I have adapted and pushed forward.

Fast forward to 2014 and 2015 and I started to wonder again if I could climb these mountains. It had grown to a mountain range! 

My daughter and I decided to color and my hands were working well enough for me to create this to visually express myself. 

2014 I thought was bad with a move, change in career, only being paid $600 the first two months, paying for THREE homes, a MS relapse, worsening side effects from my MS med (horrible diarrhea every single day for 7.5 months along with a bit of hair loss), and being robbed! 

It turns out those were more like HILLS. 

2015 was much worse with 

Two Furloughs.

Two Mini-Strokes.

FOUR robberies (incl Topeka).

Hair falling out so much that I was balding.

Stabbing eye/face/head pains with no answers for a while.

No internet or tv for a year, and $25-$5/week budget for groceries.

Sensation of bugs crawling all over and toenail ripped off (cursed MS).

Hubs not being able to work-didn't recover as quickly from 2nd mini-stroke.

Asking for help and being rejected or told to wait until we weren't nearly as desperate.

Depressing conversations like selling everything, breaking lease, moving in with family, and who would take care of our daughter if we both died or became bedridden or incapacitated in any way.

I felt hopeless.

But each time I felt supreme despair, someone would surprise me because they were inspired.

THANKFULLY, even though I didn't reach out enough or talk to enough about our struggles, there were some angels on earth who were inspired. It gave me hope and showed me that God IS aware of us. He worked MIRACLES through them and I'm eternally grateful. All while I was trying to climb the mountain and pretending like I was fine even as I was falling off a cliff. Kind of like when I started to die...I didn't reach out and pretended like I was fine. (Until I couldn't and collapsed at work, but then I just worked on my couch. Or when I ended up in the ER with my eyes rolling in the back of my head, slurring my words, etc). "I'm fine."

(I wish I had pictures of all of my angels on earth!)

Jesus said, "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

I never could imagine a situation where I would NEED to move a mountain. But, I believed anything was POSSIBLE with God. Lately, though, I've been doubting my own ability to move these mountains placed in front of me. The other day I read again about the pioneers who LITERALLY carved out stone from a mountain and MOVED it to the sacred spot in Salt Lake City. It took 40 years for them to finish the temple! There were many who sacrificed an incredible amount to build a temple that has blessed a prodigious amount of people. While I hope it doesn't take ME 40 freakin years, I HOPE that I can move this mountain. It may only bless my sweet lil family and me, but it sure would be a blessing!

Speaking specifically about my HEALTH mountain, I have thought about how stone by stone, I may have to do the work over an extended amount of time before I see great results. But what if it ONLY takes me a year before I see great results? All these years I've tried the world's way (HcG, pills, diets like Weight Watchers or Raw, shakes like Slim Fast or Herbalife, excessive exercise, etc). All failed attempts resulted in minimal success and a lot of frustration. WHY NOT TRY GOD's WAY? I always figured I was great with the Word of Wisdom (https://www.lds.org/topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng)  since I've never tasted alcohol, tea, coffee, tobacco, or recreational drugs. Heck, I've never even tasted things like Mountain Dew or Coke because I didn't want stimulants in my body (my sister's cardiologist was glad we didn't consume caffeine). But, it turns out I was focusing a lot on the do NOTs (and received blessings by not having those addictions) and not focusing enough on the DOs. The world and nutritionists teach the opposite...eat MORE meat->Protein every 3 hours focusing on animal sources and eat LESS grains! The word of wisdom says GRAINS are the foundation and staff of life. Then add a variety of fruits and vegetables with meat sparingly, specifically during winter, cold, or famine. I have changed my diet SLOWLY and in July started following the Word of Wisdom step by step (in small ways) and started losing weight. I also cut out sugar (one of my worst inflammatories). I did it July, August, and September and lost 5 pounds each month. January 1st I decided to jump all the way in with the Word of Wisdom by only eating meat three times a week, and using a variety of grains, fruits and vegetables. Within ONE month I lost 11.5 pounds! I've NEVER lost that much weight in a month and it was easy. I wasn't hungry, I didn't count calories and learned new foods I loved (brussels sprouts and artichokes). I had no idea plants had calcium, protein, and all I needed! I continue to lose weight and while I can't say I feel GREAT, I'm having a little less stabbing pains and a little more strength. This past Sunday I walked the ENTIRE time on my own. I don't know if I have done that for at least two years. 

I'm kicking myself for waiting 17-18 YEARS before I tried God's way. Until now, I feel like I was trying to move my mountain with a TEASPOON and found myself tired, overwhelmed and disappointed. Other times I was just circling the mountain over and over and over. I felt a bit like Anna in Frozen trying to climb a mountain. 

 

 On Sunday, I shared some of my testimony about this topic and an awesome gal shared this with me. 
I love it and it fits perfectly!

 For anyone else out there who has a mountain (or mountain RANGE) you are climbing, I hope you can reach out and gain strength, hope, and patience with yourself as you're moving forward. God moves mountains in different ways-sometimes we move the soil beneath our feet. Other times it is so steep that we have to get on our hands and knees. Sometimes there is a path already carved into the mountain so we can ride up the mountain more easily. But, you're not alone. I've been feeling alone off and on the past year. It's Satan whispering (or screaming) of the loneliness, fear and despair. Yesterday I underestimated the openness of Facebook and realized that I'm not actually alone in the journey. Thankfully I always have my husband and wonderful family (close and amazing in laws who have supported me SO much and my family who lives far away). But, it helps to have others who have climbed their own mountains who reach down to help me up.

Steps Christ would have climbed to meet Pilate

 Sometimes I have a hard time with who I used to be, what I used to be able to do and who I am now (with so many limitations). But, who I am as a spirit matters more than who I am physically. My whole soul is NOT just my body.

Thank you to those of you who have helped lift me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you to those of you who did for me what I couldn't do for myself physically.