Wait and Keep Moving

It's no secret that things have been chaotic, confusing, and dismal at times, especially since we made the move for the railroad. Last year, my resolution was to simplify. BOY, did God help me achieve that one! We moved 3 times in 11 months (nearly everything I own is now broken, scratched or torn), I had the worst relapse of my life along with 2 other flare ups coupled with a slew of side effects because of new meds. Imagine having your upper body stuffed into an oven, bugs you can't see crawling all over you and you have the worst flu you've ever imagined every single day for 7.5 months. There were a few others (tongue swelling, hurting, itching, trouble walking, talking, etc, but the buggy, fire burnin, chained to the toilet experience was the most common). I learned to simplify and counted what mattered most. There were some great moments and some tough ones. Overall, it was the hardest year physically and financially. (It could have been much worse, but was difficult nonetheless).

Especially hard were the last 5 months of 2014. We were coming up short every month, but able to avoid debt in the beginning of 2014. But, with medical bills drowning us, we survived until we couldn't. After much prayer, we took a job with the railroad. The night of my husband's last day, someone hopped our fence and stole everything from our garden (except for the zucchini, which we had given the week before to all of our neighbors). I was mad and felt violated for 30 min and then shrugged my shoulders figuring they were desperate. We put money into selling our home and moved. Shortly thereafter someone stole our a/c unit (at most they would have made $40 from ours and the 15 other homes, church, and school they robbed, but will cost us thousands of dollars to replace). We stayed with my in-laws while I recovered from a flare up and then started living in a haunted house. We finally got the evil out and moved again. The first 8 weeks we only made $1,200 total. I don't know many people who can survive on $600 in a month, especially with a move, two house payments and attempts at taking care of the adorable, but wretched Topeka home. There were times we shook our heads and wondered if we had made a mistake. We went from coming up $500/mo short to coming up thousands short. I had never had credit card debt until this year. Quickly we maxed out our credit card on necessities. But, we knew God said to take this path and figured it would even out shortly. SIMPLIFY. 

I was much more cautious in my choice of focus for 2015. I had little hope with my health and decided to refocus. HOPE, Health, and Happiness. We spent little on Christmas and kept cutting back. 

(It turned out to be wonderful). 

Almost immediately after I decided at the end of December what I'd focus on, I had to go to the ER, was rear ended by a gem of a lady, and all 3 of us got sick. A few weeks after my hubby finished his training, he got very ill. In a matter of minutes, he went from talking, to dizzy, running/stumbling to the bathroom, vomitting, and then started to get confused and cold. His body temperature was severely low, he was confused, eyes were twitching and then he stopped responding. I was holding him up in the bathroom with one arm, calling 911 against my shoulder, and keeping a tiny vomit bowl in the other. For about 30 seconds I got scared and told my love that he couldn't leave me. We hadn't even celebrated our 3rd yr anniversary. The ambulance came, they took him to the ER and rushed him to CT. For about 30 min they suspected a stroke. I wondered stroke or heart attack. I was calm through it, though, because I had felt as though he would be okay. A few days later he was bumped off work, then furloughed. They first said two months. 

The next day, on our anniversary, we got the final call that the railroad furloughed 300 guys and most likely it will be until September. 

Let me digress a bit and share that we thought we had been cautious in our financial and professional decisions. In a blessing I had been told I'd have a house that I'd raise my daughter in. It was what we looked for and planned on living in Topeka for a long time. We were approved for $120,000 and prayed over 3 beautiful homes, but got a "NO." We reevaluated and decided to go cheaper since we knew we would have to replace the hub's truck with over 200k miles and a back seat barely fitting the babe. We prayed and felt "ok" about a home half the price of our approval. I almost backed out twice and had a feeling/impression that I would really be angry we bought the house in the second year. I couldn't see any other option, since we had seen every house in our budget, and wanted out of the crappy apartments. I thought the warning was just a preparation for when something like the plumbing or electrical went arwy. The next time I didn't want to lose our $1,500 earnest money. Ohhhh, to only be out $1,500 now. What a small sum. :)

Fast forward to now and it makes sense. On paper everything looked like it would work out. Banks agreed and were amazed at our credit. But, God knew medical would come up and change would arise sooner than we'd planned. Surprises and twists came when I had a plan and God had another.

Now we were furloughed, maxed out with debt and in 3 weeks we would have no money for mortgage, rent, electricity or even toilet paper or milk. I was despondent, scared and confused. It seemed like every time we took a step forward, we were pushed back twice as far. Nearly everything we tried wasn't working out. I started reasoning which bill I would miss first and decided that we were past being able to catch up and I considered the worst case scenario. I would lose the home, car and even my cell phone (my only internet connection and link to family and friends). I couldn't see how it could possibly work out. I had gone from a 2,100 sq ft home and had always managed to stay afloat. Now I was thinking we would lose everything, sell what I had and move into the in-laws with 100 or 200 sq ft. for all we owned.  But, I knew we weren't as lost as homeless or the many I saw across the world who were starving or wondering how they would literally love day-to-day. My husband has many talents and would get a job. I started to accept that if the worst happened, they were just things. This could be a "restart." My original plan was to have no debt (credit card) by the end of the year. This wasn't what I meant, but it was one way. A fourth option I hadn't considered. I needed the time to worry and grieve, but accepted it and became more open so God could teach me to really see. 

I decided that they were simply things. What really mattered was my phenomenal hubby and precious daughter. Waves of frustration or jealousy would surface, but only for a quick moment. In the beginning I would be envious of people who could buy whatever groceries they wanted, take trips or replace broken sunglasses, car brakes, or smoking blow driers without a second thought. But, reminiscing of the past or keepin jealousy at the success of others didn't do me any good. I decided that focusing on what I used to have or trying to relive the past makes you miss the beautiful blessings of the present. I remembered the Kenyans I encountered in the slums. I also couldn't worry myself to death over the future. That could blind me to the possibilities of the present and essentially my future if I was paralyzed by fear or frustration. 

 I started thinking in my head, "I am so happy for you that you got to take a trip to Jamaica/Hawaii/see your family. I hope more goodness comes your way!" (And I seriously started to mean it with all kinds of people in different situations I originally viewed as better than mine (financially or physically speaking). I went from 80% happy/20% jealous to a 20/80 reversal to 100% happy for them.) By simply wishing for the best for people in my head, I started having more hope and happiness with my own situation. 

Last year an amazing lady was inspired to help us when no one knew we were struggling and had no idea how we would move from one city to another. We planned on sacrificing, but now I'm sure I would have had another relapse in a time when we had no insurance. We held onto that for a long time knowing that God was aware of us. 

This past month has been an incredible lesson in having faith, waiting, humility, and compassion. I learned I have judged others in my head. I had experienced short periods of having no money, but not to this extent. I was prayin for a miracle because it seemed impossible. I could all of a sudden relate to many more people, but was still incredibly blessed! Several people have rendered incredible amounts of kindness from pizza to coming to help me change my daughter, to milk and bread or texts and phone calls. We have SO much to be thankful for, even if the "Joneses" disagree. 

I won't share all, but we tried being open to many possible options. We went to the temple and felt as though God would give just enough information, step-by-step into the darkness until he finally revealed His plan for us. Overall, I felt a message of "Wait for the answer, but keep moving forward." It sounds like a conundrum. But, I'd experienced it before with regard to travels, education and marriage. Wait, but don't sit in a corner covered in tears and chocolate wrappers. Sure, I did that on a couch with a cheesy movie playing in the background from time to time, but didn't live my life in doom and gloom. 

With prayer and a shifted perspective, I started to grasp more deeply this concept of "With God nothing is impossible," "in the Lord's Due Time," "Come What May, and Love it," and step into the darkness with a glimmer of light and the Savior by your side. Since the temple and that attitude change, I have been at peace and haven't looked back at what I had before or entertained questions of doubt. I think I should almost expect doubt to follow big life changes or inspirations. It's just part of the process. 

How many in the scriptures have had to wait and then conquered the seemingly or truly impossible with God by their side? What if they hadn't? Lot's wife couldn't let go and we know how she got smoked in the process. What if Moses had made it to the Red Sea, determined it was impossible and turned back to captivity or death? How much of history would be different? What if Abraham or even Isaac had said the journey didn't make sense and didn't follow through? What if Christ said, "Let this cup pass from me." Period. Not, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39) How would eternity be if Christ didn't fully accept God's will and timing in His life?

I think of the scripture, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24). When I read that, I read it in the same breath. I don't think that is how it was said, but sometimes I do the same in my life. I have never doubted that God is real, all knowing, all powerful and omnipresent. What I have doubted in is His timing with some pivotal decisions and accomplishments. 

As I get older and witness more experiences of waiting and the lessons and blessings that come because of it, I see more of His perfect timing. With this recent scare and plentiful doubts, I've learned even more gratitude, patience, and trust in God. 

I said I was NOT going to move for another 2 years, but God has a hilarious sense of humor. I still don't know for sure, but it looks like we will be moving again. One would be permanent (I say that cautiously) or temporary until we get the call back for the railroad. But both are great opportunities and we will make it just fine until then. We won't be swimming in a vault of $mulla$ like Scrooge McDuck, but that is good since I'm a bad swimmer and somewhat claustrophobic. We have been blessed with enough even though a lot has gone wrong. In the end, I suppose it has gone wrong according to my time table and understanding, but "right" by God's eternal calculation. 

Here's to our next adventure with Hope, Health and Happiness. 

Zombie of 2013 and 2014

The past year has been rough. There have been some times that have been quite similar to when I started to die in 2006 (although this time I know I'm not dying). Thankfully I'm not zombie-esque 100% of the time, but I've struggled. I had a lot of hope when I started the Herbalife and MS drug the next month. But, between financial strains and physical strains, it hasn't quite worked out. 

7 months of diarrhea every day, period for a month, trouble walking where I'm stumbling into walls, the fridge, couch, bed, needing help showering and dressing, numbness, stuttering, shaking like I have Parkinson's, nausea, dizziness, cluster headaches, burning and itching, fevers and chills, stabbing pains in my intestines and behind my eyes, depression, and isolation because I can't get out, don't have working internet (although I'm severely grateful for my phone that usually works) and can't write, talk or type at times. 

I've heard it said that "God won't give you more than you can handle." But I think that is a misinterpretation of the Apostle Paul who assured us, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1st Corinthians 10:13)

God won't give us a temptation beyond what we can handle, but I think he does give us physically, financially, and/or emotionally beyond what we can handle SO that we HAVE to turn to Him. 

When I was younger, my favorite scripture story was, "The Good Samaritan." In ancient days the Samaritan was looked down on, but it was the humble Samaritan who rescued the broken man left for dead. I loved it because I tend to feel what others feel, love many, and cherish opportunities to serve and uplift. It was what I lived for throughout my life. But then the story of "The Woman with an Issue of Blood," became my favorite because I could relate to her too well through my 17 years of health problems, medical bills, and tests. 

When I was in the ER last night, because MS was taking too much of a toll on my body (inflammation on my brain and probably a new lesion in my brain or spine), I had to laugh and roll my eyes. It took four highly trained professionals to get in the IV. I was probably too dehydrated because of my 7 month bout with diarrhea and the shaking made it hard too. The first three couldn't get anything in my arms or hands despite their greatest digs and shoves. The fourth gal hit a geyser, they said, as blood went all over the bed, floor, and ran down my arm. I told them all thanks and they laughed at me. They mentioned how amazing I had done, how much they had tortured me and how I shouldn't be thanking them. 

Eventually I got high dose steroids and was able to walk and talk better. But, by Sunday morning, insomnia hit and I'm back to shaking and stuttering with a great deal of pain. 

At 3 this morning, I thought about the "Good Samaritan" and thought about how these days I can relate better to the broken man in the street. I can't do what I need to in order to take care of my daughter all day. I can't even take care of myself at the moment. I'm surviving, but not doing much more than a zombie lately. I have been blessed with great family, friends and a ward who have helped me since Thursday. We were blessed tremendously where my hubby was able to get home quicker than ever on the train and got a few days off to take me to the ER and neuro tomorrow. 

I have a great deal to be thankful for these days. I may have muscles and sickness like I run a marathon daily and have the worst flu you can imagine for 7 months straight doused with extra pain and bleeding. 

BUT, with God all things are possible.

 I can't wait for the resurrection, but until then I'm grateful for strength beyond the veil, angels on Earth, and modern medicine. 

A debilitating, chronic disease can be quite depressing (plus there is a physiological component that also creates depression) and inevitably hopelessness creeps in. But, I try to be an optimist beyond reason. I'm hoping that 2014 and 2013 were my years of learning intense lessons, growing closer to my amazing hubby, baby, God and Jesus, so that 2015 will end up being the year I conquer something physical and see greatness. But if NOT, I'm still gonna try to make it a great year. Zombie or no zombie, I'm still here. :)

Christ-centered CHRISTmas

Last year the day we moved into our new little home, my hubby got in a wreck. It had about 250,000 miles and our daughter wasn't fitting well. My car still worked, even though it was 13 years old, but is manual and we needed something that worked better. So, we got a car with a killer deal for Black Friday and have bumper to bumper coverage for 10 years. So, our Christmas was light. We borrowed a 1 foot tree and made the most of it (double bronchitis and a flare up too). 

But, it didn't feel very Christmas-y, so this year, even though I shouldn't have...I really wanted a full size tree and some Christ-centered traditions beyond my usual lamb-like stocking where we write what we will give to Christ for the year. 

I had buyer's remorse with my $35 tree, but we decided that since I didn't get to see family for the holidays, my husband won't be around for Christmas (we have no idea when he will be home) and we are going light this year, we splurged. 

Our RS this year had the option to put in a tiny bit of money for supplies and to make an advent calendar. The original was this one: 

But I have an infinity for sparkle and glitter, so I used some old craft paper to make my own version. I did buy little envelopes, twine and mini clothespins. (Hobby Lobby with 40% off on two trips). Our cute RS lady had the boards cut at Lowe's, then sanded and spray painted it for me. Then we modpodged the paper onto the board. At that point, I started shaking and had to go home to finish. It took me a week to finish, but I finished on December 1st! Yay🌲❄️

With some glitter stickers (I didn't have enough of one type, so I mixed it up and outlined with a pen), I spelled out 

Jesus is the reason for this season. In each one is a slip of paper with scriptures that correspond with the pictures of Jesus's life and what He inspires us to do with regard to that particular event or action. 

We have several things to help my lil 2 year old to learn about the "reason for the season," but this totally helped me get in the mood too! The other ladies finished in a few hours, but I took almost a week. Totally worth it!

Manna Moment in my Wilderness

I had a goal this year to read the entire Old Testament again. It is almost December and I am currently at the end of Numbers. Ha.

Recently I read about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, complaining about the monotonous meals of manna, their travails, and not trusting God, therefore giving up their inheritance of the promised land. Despite many miracles and opportunities, the ungrateful and untrusting generation had to pass before the uprising generation received the blessings.

This past year I've been in my "manna moment" as I've wandered through my own "wilderness." My lil two year old has always been funny about monotony. She has always detested change, but demands variety. For example, in one aspect of her life, eating has always been a struggle. Very rarely will she eat the same thing four days in a row. One week she may love broccoli, bread, and raisins. She may love Cheerios, rice, and berries. But, by the fourth day, she despises it and will take a week, a month, or half a year before she will touch it again. There is no go-to food for her. She abhors Mac and cheese or anything put together (ie sandwiches). Her longest standing morsels of munching have been pretzels, broccoli and milk. But even then, we have had to change it up. She keeps me on my toes and it is good for me too. :)  She acts out when big changes occur, but acts out if things are the same, as well.

I have discovered that I am similar with regard to several aspects of my life. I chose the be a case manager and teacher because there was variety. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but I envisioned it quite differently. Holidays and celebrations like I did with my roommates, meals around the table, trips to the park, dancing and running, building forts, crafting, and so much more.  Lately in my head, I've been tantrumming like a toddler.

My health continues to decline. I have gone from being able to go out two to three times a week (grocery shopping, drives, etc) to barely once a week. It has all been uncharted territory for me, since I don't know anyone else with MS at my level and sole responsibility for a child as young as mine. In the interview for my husband's new job, they warned that the divorce rate is high, mothers at home basically become single mothers, and it is a hard job. It scared us enough that we prayed again and felt a resounding YES that he is supposed to work for the railroad. It has been tough and some things were harder than they said and not as great as they bragged. In the long run, we know it will be worth it. In the short run, my blessings keep telling me that tithing will bless us with a roof over our head and food on the table. 

Thankfully, I have an incredible husband and we have a marvelous marriage. We have almost been married for three years and we still daily talk about our blessings and how lucky we are to have each other.

But, I'll admit, I have been a bit jealous lately. I haven't complained much out loud, but in my head I have been quite like the Israelites. I have missed when I could go out every single day.  I have missed seeing a variety of friends and coworkers. I have missed going grocery shopping and buying whatever we wanted. I have missed having tv AND internet (I am typing all of this on my phone--the only internet we have had for 2+ months). I have missed buying outfits when current ones don't fit or are torn for my family and me. I have missed the variety. I have looked back longingly. I wear the same 6 shirts, 2 borrowed capris, and 1 pair of pants every week. I stay inside almost all day, every day. I clean up poop and pee every day, but only cook over a stove once a week (on a good week). I try going to church every week, but spend a good amount of time in the bathroom, car, or standing outside in 14 degree weather because my body can't cool itself down or handle anything above 70 degrees. I have had diarrhea every day for 7 months, fevers and chills and my period for almost a whole month, and shake, walk funny, and am fatigued beyond belief. I have what I need, because I am not homeless (half of our monthly income goes to our TWO homes), but I have been agitated and ungrateful .

I tend to be a grateful person who tries to find the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. But, lately I have just been lame. I have decided that I may feel quite hopeless with my health, and felt like every day was the same. God threw us a fast curve ball and things have been changing. I never know when my husband will be home or what my body will be capable of for the day. Now I want to go back to the manna. Set schedule, outings two days a week, and one home. :) ha.

But, remembering and learning from the Israelites, I can see that I need to remember what miracles I have been given and God's hand in my life. I wonder if in at least one point in all of our lives we will have to experience the manna as we wander in the wilderness. We may not know another soul who has endured the exact same trials or journeyed along the same path. But, we do know that Christ has experienced it all and will lead us to the promised land. You cannot get to the promised land, as the person you need to be without first walking with God through the wilderness. It may just be me, but I know I am supposed to be learning much. To trust God when it seems like things aren't working out and we play up the challenges to giants. We sometimes put on the blinders and think the captivity we experienced earlier is easier than being pushed out of our comfort zone.

God is giving me "mini-miracles," showing me my strength coupled with His, and I cannot forget that while this may not look like the life I had imagined, I am on the path I hoped for all those years. I continue to laugh daily, stumble a little, but regularly glance upward.

Widow's Mite

My favorite painting of all time has been James C. Christensen's "Widow's Mite." I love the story found in Mark 12 and love this artist's perspective he shared with the world. I have thought about this trusting widow, as I'm sure many have, when I've been at an all time low, financially speaking. I have never been as low as the faithful widow, but I could relate from time to time in my own life. I remember more than a week when all I ate was corn and corn flakes and paid for everything with the change I had accumulated while attending junior college. A roommate laughed at me when I washed all my clothes in our bathroom and worked two jobs while attending school full time. A few other times I paid tithing thinking, "I have NO idea how this will turn out, but Heavenly Father, work your magic." And He did, sometimes right away and other times eventually.

When I first attended RS in Kansas, I was surprised to see this painting on the wall. I was chasing my baby to and fro, but kept thinking of how appropriate this was of my current state. I gave up my friends, family, home, career, and luxuries (like grocery shopping with reckless abandonment and weekly date nights) to be a stay-at-home mom. It was what I had always wanted to do, but learned nonetheless that it was a sacrifice in more ways than one. I felt like I gave my all, but recently we had the opportunity to give even more.

I have always been careful with money. I started saving for college and a mission when I was TEN years old! The first time I activated a credit card was when I was purchasing my first car, a used Mazda, at 25 years old and done with college. I held onto a phone, as far as it could reach, while shouting to the teller which button to push (because I wasn't allowed behind the counter). The second time I bought a car was with my hubby after his truck was ruined (the morning we moved to this home), ten years later. The Mazda financial guy was shocked because he had never seen a credit score as high as mine. 810. Maybe one other time, he said. It doesn't mean that I've always been financially blessed with tons, but I have always been a saver and not a spender. (Plus, I detest shopping like no other gal I know). On top of that, I pray about all big purchases (I know, I'm a freak). You would think with me being overly cautious with finances and trusting so much in God with things like $$mulla$$, I would have figured things out earlier in life. But, sometimes I'm slow or I forget.

There have been multiple times in my life when my testimony of tithing and prayer have been tested. I'll spare you the boring details, but sufficed to say, God works miracles.

This most recent experience has taught me even more about THE WIDOW'S MITE and PRAYER.

Money went from tight to too little. We have been blessed to have just enough because, I strongly believe, we paid tithing. But, medical bills were piling up and things started breaking down. We had plans, but they didn't quite feel right. My hubby signed up with the school for their HVAC program and we kept praying. My mom mentioned, nonchalantly, about how things really turned around financially when they paid 15% tithing, as well as my sister. I gaped at her and said something daft, like, "We are just starting out; we just bought this house. We can't afford to." She shared how they were $150 short each month before groceries. I remembered how at times in my childhood, we lived off food storage (with my mom trying to trick us with that nasty food storage milk in milk jugs) and how I rolled my eyes as I carried my cheese sandwich to school because we 'couldn't afford the luxury of lunch meat.' It wasn't until my late 20s when I stopped feeling guilty for buying the 'expensive' name brand shampoo, PANTEEN. =) ha. (seriously, though) We were always blessed with enough while I grew up, though.

My mom wasn't saying that the extra 5% opened the heavens and a tree that grew money started sprouting. Or even that 15% was a magic number. But, when you are at a 'Widow's mite' crossroad and choose to give all, blessings will shock you. My hubby and I decided to step into the extra tithing abyss and hand it all over to God. I mean, what could we lose? HAHA

Again, I'll spare you the details, but...

The week we paid extra tithing, a guy in our ward 'randomly' approached my husband telling him to apply for Union Pacific. Within a day or two, several places near here opened up for hiring. Amazing how quickly God worked. But then doubts started creeping in as we didn't hear anything for several weeks. When we fasted the following month, without telling each other what we were fasting for, it turns out that we both were thinking the same thing. Move forward, have faith. The next day we got the call about the job. Since then everything has happened quickly with lots of unanticipated events in between (main breaker blowing, so we had no electricity, what we thought was my husband's pink eye for more than a week, causing less $ and more doctor's bills, both of us not able to drive around to gather boxes to move, lawn mower breaking down, etc, etc), but we have been tremendously blessed. One friend, in particular really taught me that God is very aware of us and will take care of us. She was inspired and had impeccable timing. When I didn't think it would, or even could, work out, I have been pleasantly surprised. We are doing just fine now and I am much less worried about a MS relapse.

Since then, we've had my amazing in-laws offer to help us pack and watch our baby so we can attend the temple (he won't get vacation until 2016 and will always be on call). My best friend will also help us pack, move, and take care of our baby. A cool gal from our ward brought boxes and is going to help us pack. A dear friend is coming for several days to help us pack. I'm amazed by so much generosity. We won't have to go into tremendous debt, will be able to register our old car, and can now move quickly. We are moving to my brother-in-law's rental at a great price and will be able to afford things even if we don't end up renting our current home. I will be able to be with my family in Utah to welcome my brother from his mission in Samoa. BLESSED!

I don't share this experience to say that we have loads of faith or did a great thing. Because, really, I still struggle. BUT, I do share this to demonstrate that God works miracles and beautiful blessings into our lives when we let Him direct. My sister's experience and mother's continued wisdom helped me move forward. This will be an even bigger leap of faith, but we know it is right. I'm not naive or delirious enough to think that this will be easy. It seems like the right path tends to be uphill more often than not. But, we will grow and I can't wait for the amazing health insurance and ability to cover our needs, while also, hopefully, being able to help others as we have been helped.

Time stopped and taught me a lesson

You know those times in your life when TIME seems to slow down or stop, as the world keeps turning for those around you? It's kind of surreal and unnerving, but typically a time of deep reflection.

I've had some moments like that in my life and this was one of those times!

I hobbled into my neurologist's office holding onto my mom's shoulder and trying to keep up with my baby girl running ahead. After ten minutes, the warmth of the office got to me. I couldn't hold the magazine for my lil one to look at, the room was spinning, my nausea, burning head, pain, darker vision, and intestinal woes started creeping in. My mom fanned me with a magazine as my baby girl tried running through open doors and talked to those around us. Anytime the temperature climbs above 71, these days, I get sick, weak, and have all kinds of issues. Ain't no thang! It's just my thang'

Eventually we were called back and my neurologist did all of the MS-y strength/feeling tests. It was obvious that my right side now had issues. When he did the pin prick on my back, I realized just how little feeling I had at certain points. Since pregnancy, I noticed a general decrease in feeling and an increase in pain that hasn't improved. It sounds contradictory, but when your central nervous system is fighting itself, weird things happen. Of all 5 senses, I don't have full function of any of them.

Smell: Born without a real sense of smell; never smelled dirt, rain, flowers, etc.
Taste: Once ate several bites of 4 yr old, rancid peanut butter before realizing it was bad. I check all of the dates now. Tied to smell, so obviously I don't taste things like most people.
Vision: Shadows in my eyes, comes and goes depending on heat or stress
Hearing: Ringing in my ears, comes and goes with heat or stress
Touch: Right side at certain points I can't feel or have less sensitivity

But, I can see ENOUGH, hear ENOUGH, smell ENOUGH, taste ENOUGH, and feel ENOUGH. So, it was surprising how bad I'd gotten, but still not horrible.

I could deal with it all, I figured, because that is what I've done for almost 2 decades. My neurologist explained that I had a new lesion on my spine affecting my right side and would need to start high dose steroids immediately. He explained that I would need to be admitted to the hospital for monitoring because the meds are so intense and it would be my first time on them. I knew it was risky, since my body is hypersensitive to anything foreign, but explained that we couldn't afford it. I would be fine doing it at home. My neuro was shocked by my nonchalant attitude and reiterated that I should go to the hospital. "This is nothing like the steroids you've taken before." As he went over some of the side effects, I kept thinking, "It's fine. I've done hard things. I've got my husband, mom, and God."

*Weight gain {I gained 90 pounds in less than a year. Almost every winter for the past 15-16 years, I've had to do several rounds of antibiotics and steroids. I gain, I know}

*Acne/Skin issues {Since being pregnant, I've had cracked, bleeding skin that wouldn't heal until I did herbalife after 2 years of issues. It'll pass}

*Insomnia {When doing my Master's, because of meds, I went 7 days with no sleep. I survived that}.

*Intestinal issues {When I started to die, my intestines were the first to stop working. For months I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without nearly fainting or vomiting. I worked, twitching and shaking on the ground and then collapsed and worked on my couch. It can't be worse than that}.

*Pain {Stabbing pains and vomiting while I did my Master's program and student teaching. I told the surgeon I had to wait to take out my gall bladder because I didn't have time. I was sick a lot and had some rough times. But, I was able to graduate with a 4.0 and God helped me through it all. Or when I was in labor for SIX days because my doctor thought I had a kidney stone instead of being in labor. I taught for 1 1/2 days while in labor and after having my baby, nurses kept coming in to say, "You're THAT patient? Wow!" Or when I had started to die and had horrible pain accompanied with wretched bruising. When my doctor saw my lower back, he said, "Who hurt you?" I told him no one had hurt me. He insisted, "You can tell me. Who is hurting you?" -NO one. "No one has touched you?" I explained that a roommate had given me a massage because I was hurting. He laughed and said, "YEAH! It looks like someone took a bat to your back. You can't get that from a massage." I felt like someone had taken a bat to my back and later learned I was close to death or a coma. But, I survived that}.

*High anxiety, depression and/or panic attacks {Never had panic attacks, but I had high anxiety when I worked with the abused and neglected kids, did my job and my boss's job, bled for 5 1/2 months straight, and had 3 friends die within 6 months -2 from suicide. I dreamed of death, thought of death, and my hormones were all over the place. Eventually it leveled out. I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. Or when I was teaching my first year, my body rejected the MS injections, and they were letting go of nearly all the new teachers. It worked out, because I had my mom and God. The kids tested high, loved school, and I was given a full contract (off at-will, which is usually done after the 3rd year of teaching)}.

*Hallucinations {Um, no. ...my eyes widened and I thought...I don't think I can deal with that. He told my mom that the onset of hallucinations, for one, would be a good time to call 911}.

My mom turned to me and said, "Then you'll have to REALLY tell me how you're doing, so I know." I typically don't let anyone know just how bad things are for me physically. When I was 19, I thought I was going blind and deaf. I learned to turn in the direction of where people were talking and fake like I could see them. When I had stabbing pains, I learned to slow down, breathe, rest against something, and eventually learned that exercise was what was doing me in (vision, hearing, stabbing, bruising, etc). When I'm stiff and can't walk well, I take it slow and use what is around me. But, she was right. For years, very few people even knew I had MS. Then when people knew, I told the tip of the iceberg of my issues. This was going to be an iceberg of huge proportions and I didn't know what to expect. The fear in her eyes, the doctor's eyes, and the nurse's eyes shook me a little.

He again reiterated that I should be admitted to the hospital and I said I'd be okay. They called in the meds and the pharmacy called them back. They didn't believe that the dose was correct. When my husband went to pick up the prescription, they said they had NEVER given this much to one patient. We took all they had and had to go back the following day to get another 100 pills.

I had to go to the lab to confirm that I didn't have a bladder infection. I needed a wheelchair and sat by myself for a time. I had a little too much time on my hand to think through everything. Time slowed down.

Then things got hard. Incredible, excruciating pain behind my right eye, right arm, right hand, stomach and legs. Walking a few feet would make me shake and twitch for 1-3 hours. I felt like I was being tazed in my neck and head. I couldn't speak well (stuttering, slurring words, hard to think of the right word) and scared me. I started to pass out in the hall. I lay in bed reading until my vision got so bad I couldn't even read. I couldn't write. I couldn't hold up anything. Noise was too much for me. Fevers (when Mike and Mom helped me they commented on how hot my body was because of the meds). Chills. Insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. Gained 12 pounds in 5 days. Nausea. Hearing came and went. I was feeling trapped and lost with little purpose and a whole lot of uncertainty.

If I go blind in the future...okay.
If I can't walk and need a wheelchair...okay.
If I lose my hearing...okay.
But not having my cognitive abilities really shook me.

In the first few days, I was able to read, "Unbroken," a true story of a WWII POW who survived a tremendous amount of trials. I almost quit a few times because the things Louis Zamperini endured were horrific. At one point I looked into the author and found that she had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (VERY similar to MS). She spent 6 of 14 years bedridden and sacrificed her health to finish her New York Times Best Seller book (only 4 fiction books have been on the list longer). She also wrote, "Seabiscuit," which was later made into a movie, and has a charity. I continued and was incredibly inspired by both the POW(s) and the author. A theme stuck out to me...Satan had the heart of 'The Bird,' who tortured Zamperini. He tore him down physically and emotionally. But, Louis conquered and eventually forgave the wretched man. I was feeling trapped, broken, and torn down, but my trials paled in comparison. It struck me that Satan, who was eternally punished and will never have a body, tries to get us to tear down our bodies or hate them. But, the things our bodies can endure and the blessing they are to us...maybe I don't fully appreciate it. I also read Stephanie Nielson's book, "Heaven is Here: An Incredible Story of Hope, Triumph, and Everyday Joy." I'd seen her video before and loved her statement, "I am not my body." In her book she talked about while she was in her coma, that she had a choice. She could stay on the other side or return to earth. It would be difficult, but she chose to return to earth. She talked about how she really missed her body.

As I lay in bed, not able to do much more than pray and think, I came to the realization that all the years I've hated my body needed to end. The hatred, shame, obsession or pre-occupation with a certain number on the scale was Satan's ploy. In the pre-mortal realm, there was a war spiritually with a reward of bodies to the winning team (among other blessings). In this mortal realm, there is a war physically and spiritually, with the biggest enemy and bully trying to convince us again. I decided to appreciate my body and to stop hating it. There is essentially a war raging inside my own body as my own tissues are constantly attacking themselves. But, I decided to stop allowing Satan, who has REAL jealousy of even my broken body, to convince me to be jealous of another body. This is the one God gave me and I have COMPLETE trust that every single thing in my life is for my good; to bring me to God and Christ.

We were reading scriptures one night and read about how worshiping once a week isn't enough. After conversations, I realized that I think of God a LOT and one reason is because of my MS. To me, it seems impossible to have MS and not pray your way through it. Everyone has their 'thing' and it is mine. Because of that, I'm blessed. If things get HORRIBLE physically, I can still do good things. The whole ordeal taught me much and connected me closer to Christ. I may not be able to do what I could 16 years ago or even 16 months ago, but I AM BLESSED. I will never say that I am grateful for MS (or my other diseases), but I am grateful for the lessons I'm learning. I felt the prayers of others and knew that God is very aware of me. Christ knows exactly how I feel and for that, I'm eternally grateful to Him. God is good.

When I was struggling, losing weight was the LEAST of my worries. Through all of this experience, I decided to change my approach. A few months before this, I had been thinking that every trial I encounter has some blessing and started looking for the blessings. Now I really believe it and appreciate it. So, I've renamed my blog and will focus instead on balance. Physical, Emotional and Spiritual.

I am blessed. And so are you. =)

Herbalife

***UPDATE*** It helped me some until I had used it for 2 months. I'm intolerant of whey and I stopped seeing benefits from Herbalife. For many it does work. For me, I've learned that it helped me simply because I took out most processed foods and especially increased my fruits and vegetable intake. I believe the closer I got to the Word of Wisdom, the healthier I got. Additionally, moving closer to WHOLE FOOD, PLANT based eating was the absolute best way to heal my body. Nonetheless, back in 2014, this was a significant step in the right direction.



Short version of this post:

16 years of MANY doctors and products with little to NO improvement. New diseases have been added over the years and ALL kinds of symptoms. MS is my worst disease with my most annoying symptoms being fatigue, vision issues, nausea, pain, heat intolerance, intestinal issues, and weight gain. I have FINALLY found something that has helped my energy level, weight issues, and skin. Plus, I finally feel like I'm not starving and have hope. Herbalife. It is delicious, makes sense, easy to do, I have continued support, and it gives my body so many nutrients that I am feeling SO much better. The results have been the BEST I've had on my long health journey. H.O.P.E. and excitement are things I've experienced and decided to share in case it could help someone else. While there is no cure for my diseases, the products I've tried are helping several symptoms associated with my diseases. It makes daily living easier and more manageable. The following is my OWN experience and opinion.

These are the products I have in my medicine cabinet from the past two years. 

Most of these have been recommended products from physicians and I have seen little to no progress with my multiple symptoms. Some I tried for a short amount of time (but couldn't bring myself to toss them since they cost me money) and some I've tried continually without progress. Some I save for when I'm struggling severely (i.e. advil is used VERY rarely). 

Now these 3 products replace all of the products above and I have better results with these than ALL of those above. 

I've been on these for 2 months (less than 2, actually, since I stopped and started again) and am SO grateful!

Please see the final disclaimer below. 

LONG version:

In 1998, I was afraid I was going blind and deaf. I got huge bruises for no reason, the worst version of anyone's sickness, and gained 90 pounds in less than a year. I exercised 3 hours a day, but then would pay for it in my intestines, vision, and hearing. Every day for 16 years, I've had shadows in my eyes, ringing in my ears, nausea, fatigue, and pain. Intermittently I have had stabbing pains, weight gain, dry skin (extreme to moderate), memory loss, dizziness, weakness, stiffness, insomnia, intestinal issues, swelling, bone spurs, heat intolerance, balance issues, menstruating for 5.5 months straight, and various other medical conundrums. I went to many specialists and they bounced me around from one to another because they couldn't make sense of the issues my body was experiencing. Finally, after 3 years, I found the Mayo Clinic. They gave me answers and said, "I cannot believe there is THAT much wrong in ONE person's body," and "I have never had a patient like you." Since then nearly every doctor and nurse has said the same thing.

Here is an INCOMPLETE list of things or specialists I've tried over the past 16 years:

Cardiologist
Endocrinologist
ENT Specialist
Dermatologist
Chiropractor
Colon surgeon
Gastroenterologist
Gynecologist
Hormone Specialist (who was AMAZING and helped me the most, but I still struggled with issues)
Internist
Neurologist
Ophthalmologist
Podiatrist
Sleep specialist
Urologist
Massage Therapist

Acupuncture
Various Holistic Doctors
Various forms of exercise (excessive exercise as well)
Appetite suppressants
HcG diet
Raw diet (Vegetarian plus no processed or cooked)
Slim Fast
Liv sXinny
ReLiv
Weight Watchers
Gluten Free diet
Betaseron (MS injection)
Vitamins of EVERY sort (sublingual, injection, tablet, etc)
MANY other shakes/drink mixes
Cleanses (they left me sick, weak, nauseas and STARVING)
Lotions, creams, oils, sprays, vaseline, prescription, and over-the-counter meds for severely dry skin


Between MS, Hoshimoto's thyroiditis (Hypothyroidism specific), Insulin Resistance, PCOS (too many cysts on my ovaries), Asthma, IBS, Gall bladder disease, and Costochondritis (Tieze Syndrome because I have inflammation throughout my body), and Dysmetabolic Syndrome, I have had a lot to deal with but have learned a lot as well. MS is my worst disease and affects everyone differently depending on the brain lesions, type of MS, and rate of demyelination.

Additionally, I had one horrible reaction to two meds a doctor prescribed to me and my intestines shut down. I have had absorption problems and intestinal issues ever since. My doctors have been at a loss because things that usually work for other patients do NOT work for me. I have been told by many doctors that I'm basically starving because my body simply won't absorb nutrients or vitamins.

(SIDENOTE::: Pregnancy was rough on my body and I've struggled physically ever since. For TWO years, I've had extremely dry skin and a doctor guessed it was one thing I caught by my students. But, after all kinds of creams, lotions, and sprays, I learned it wasn't contagious and nothing was making it better consistently. It all started when I got pregnant and felt like my baby was sucking what little nutrients I had from me. Even after I had her, my skin didn't improve and I had other issues as well. I finished teaching full time and had a surgery to fix postpartum issues from a tough labor. But, ever since my hemorrhoidectomy, I have not regained the strength or energy I had previously felt. This was due to a MS exacerbation after the surgery, but I did not get treatment).

After 16 years, people and products have shouted "Miracles" and 'fast fixes,' but it left me with just the opposite most of the time. In time, you learn to be very hesitant, critical, and cautious with products and promises.


Fast forward to when I reconnected with a friend via Facebook and I kept seeing her shrink in size and grow in confidence. She continued to share her amazing progress as she lost more than 100 pounds and started posting these delicious looking shakes. I've tried shakes and vitamins and dismissed this. But, after struggling with TWF (train wreck fatigue), weakness, and other issues for MORE THAN A YEAR, I decided to try something. I contacted my friend and looked into Herbalife.


Some reviews were critical of Herbalife and I was hesitant to spend the money. Others SWORE by it saying how wonderful it was for them. My friend said she felt great, lost weight, and had so much more energy. I figured what would it hurt to try it for a month? Try it. Test it. If it fails, then 'meh,' not much worse off.

So, I talked to my friend more in depth and decided to buy the 3 basic products (shake was soy, gluten, and lactose free) and a 21 day cleanse. Instead of adding the Herbalife protein, I bought a cheap version at Walmart. I'll give more details in a later post, but basically, their shakes are DELICIOUS and full of nutrients and vitamins.

**Below is my PERSONAL experience with Herbalife.** 

I started March 2nd and in the beginning I didn't notice much of a difference, but lost 5.6 pounds the first week.

The next few weeks I noticed other improvements:

• More energy than I'd had in a year!
• Skin improved quickly
• Craved sugars and fatty foods less
• Lost 9.4 pounds in 3 weeks
• Intestines were regular

After 3 weeks on the program, I quit and that was when I realized just how much Herbalife was helping me!!! Within a few days, I noticed the following:

• Energy went back to LOW 
• TWF (Train Wreck Fatigue)
• Cracked and bleeding fingers/hands
• Shaking
• Weakness
• More nausea
• Constipation
• Hungry ALL the time
• Gained and lost very little despite my efforts

It was SO noticeable that I decided that it was worth sacrifices to get back on. Since restarting, I have experimented a bit. I tried only 1 shake each day. I tried not taking the cellular nutrition (helps absorb nutrients and vitamins). I tried not adding more protein. I have learned that following the program is what helps me the most. Doing the program partially is better than nothing, but doing the program full force is awesome. 

It's not a miracle, but has helped me considerably.

I also have my health coach check in with me weekly. The INDIVIDUALIZED support I receive from such an awesome, positive, supportive person who has been on this journey is invaluable! It has been even more beneficial to me than Weight Watchers was because my leader had SO many other people to deal with regularly. 

It's delicious and there are ALL kinds of shake recipes out there. Their shake flavors are:

French Vanilla (This is the one I have right now)

Dulce de Leche

Orange Crème

Mint Chocolate

Vanilla (Allergen Free-Soy, Lactose, and Gluten Free)* This was the first one I tried

Dutch Chocolate

Wild Berry

Cookies ‘n Cream (This is the next one I'm gonna get)

Pina Colada

Café Latte

Kosher Vanilla

I love it. Sorry so long. But, I LOVE IT and am EXCITED. =) Just had to share!!! 

***Herbalife products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases. It just makes sense that if you feed your body all the nutrition it needs on a daily basis, your body will heal by itself.*** Please make sure to consult your doctor before beginning Herbalife.