The past year has been rough. There have been some times that have been quite similar to when I started to die in 2006 (although this time I know I'm not dying). Thankfully I'm not zombie-esque 100% of the time, but I've struggled. I had a lot of hope when I started the Herbalife and MS drug the next month. But, between financial strains and physical strains, it hasn't quite worked out.
7 months of diarrhea every day, period for a month, trouble walking where I'm stumbling into walls, the fridge, couch, bed, needing help showering and dressing, numbness, stuttering, shaking like I have Parkinson's, nausea, dizziness, cluster headaches, burning and itching, fevers and chills, stabbing pains in my intestines and behind my eyes, depression, and isolation because I can't get out, don't have working internet (although I'm severely grateful for my phone that usually works) and can't write, talk or type at times.
I've heard it said that "God won't give you more than you can handle." But I think that is a misinterpretation of the Apostle Paul who assured us, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1st Corinthians 10:13)
God won't give us a temptation beyond what we can handle, but I think he does give us physically, financially, and/or emotionally beyond what we can handle SO that we HAVE to turn to Him.
When I was younger, my favorite scripture story was, "The Good Samaritan." In ancient days the Samaritan was looked down on, but it was the humble Samaritan who rescued the broken man left for dead. I loved it because I tend to feel what others feel, love many, and cherish opportunities to serve and uplift. It was what I lived for throughout my life. But then the story of "The Woman with an Issue of Blood," became my favorite because I could relate to her too well through my 17 years of health problems, medical bills, and tests.
When I was in the ER last night, because MS was taking too much of a toll on my body (inflammation on my brain and probably a new lesion in my brain or spine), I had to laugh and roll my eyes. It took four highly trained professionals to get in the IV. I was probably too dehydrated because of my 7 month bout with diarrhea and the shaking made it hard too. The first three couldn't get anything in my arms or hands despite their greatest digs and shoves. The fourth gal hit a geyser, they said, as blood went all over the bed, floor, and ran down my arm. I told them all thanks and they laughed at me. They mentioned how amazing I had done, how much they had tortured me and how I shouldn't be thanking them.
Eventually I got high dose steroids and was able to walk and talk better. But, by Sunday morning, insomnia hit and I'm back to shaking and stuttering with a great deal of pain.
At 3 this morning, I thought about the "Good Samaritan" and thought about how these days I can relate better to the broken man in the street. I can't do what I need to in order to take care of my daughter all day. I can't even take care of myself at the moment. I'm surviving, but not doing much more than a zombie lately. I have been blessed with great family, friends and a ward who have helped me since Thursday. We were blessed tremendously where my hubby was able to get home quicker than ever on the train and got a few days off to take me to the ER and neuro tomorrow.
I have a great deal to be thankful for these days. I may have muscles and sickness like I run a marathon daily and have the worst flu you can imagine for 7 months straight doused with extra pain and bleeding.
BUT, with God all things are possible.
I can't wait for the resurrection, but until then I'm grateful for strength beyond the veil, angels on Earth, and modern medicine.
A debilitating, chronic disease can be quite depressing (plus there is a physiological component that also creates depression) and inevitably hopelessness creeps in. But, I try to be an optimist beyond reason. I'm hoping that 2014 and 2013 were my years of learning intense lessons, growing closer to my amazing hubby, baby, God and Jesus, so that 2015 will end up being the year I conquer something physical and see greatness. But if NOT, I'm still gonna try to make it a great year. Zombie or no zombie, I'm still here. :)
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