Prayer pauses

Today is Easter and a poignant one at that for me this year.

I have thought a great deal about prayer, my will, God's will, and pauses. Please forgive me as I attempt to toss my jumbled thoughts all over the screen.

I don't remember the first prayer I uttered, but I do remember the first, "No," or pause in response I ever received. I was 5 and had lost my cheap, but prized little ring. I lost it outside in our driveway of rocks that seemed a mile long. I prayed for days and searched up and down relentlessly for the ring. Then my little dejected heart gave way to the realization that I would not find it. Oh, to be 5 again with my greatest devastation centered on a $0.25 ring!

I remember when I was 10 and saw my mother crumble to the floor when she learned her dear sister was dead. I felt a depth of sorrow I hadn't felt before because she was my aunt whom I adored with all my heart. She had rewritten her Will to leave everything to me and I knew there were questions and an investigation. I didn't quite understand the information about a pyromaniac taking pictures outside her trailer full of flames. I trekked through the charred remains of her home that I had stayed at for 10 days the summer before. I cried as I spent my 11th birthday mourning her loss many states away from my home. I shared a poem I'd written about her at her funeral, but felt so far removed from her. My pleadings to Heavenly Father, who at the time also felt too distant, took some time before the despair was lifted and sorrow was replaced with comfort.

I remember when I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without vomiting or almost passing out, crawling down my hallway, begging God to heal me or kill me once my intestines completely shut down and bleeding over my kidneys started. I remember begging for relief when I was on day 4 of being in labor and my continued calls to the OBGYN were followed with, "Just drink more water. Your kidney stone should pass." Or when my husband lost consciousness and I was holding him up while I called 9-1-1. Hello? Is someone there?

I remember praying every day for 12 years to be healed of Multiple Sclerosis. Then I gave up, because I decided it was too depressing to hope for something that was obviously not God's will. So, I accepted it and moved on. My prayers changed and I continue to learn new aspects of such a simple concept.

Each time I have poured my entire soul out to God there were pauses in response. The answer or solution was not instantaneous with my first, fifth, or even fiftieth prayer. I understood that my will and God's will wouldn't always jive.

On the left is what I typically pray for that really depends on God's will and timing. Sometimes it is what we both want and other times there is a pause or delay in the blessings coming to fruition. They aren't mutually exclusive or exhaustive lists. The right side is a list of things I know God wants but I often struggle with wanting too. In the middle are things I know God always wants, which I can pray for as a "But if Not" option that I also often desire (a more eternal perspective). I.E. In my single days I prayed for a loving man to marry for eternity. I started praying, "but if not," help me learn to LOVE myself-who I am and where I am. Or now I've prayed many times, "Please heal me from anesthesia dolorosa, BUT IF NOT, please give me strength to persevere or to understand hope better."


A sister missionary recently shared this with me when we had them over for dinner. Main concept from Celeste Davis.

I also often ask now, "Is this an earthly thing or an eternity thing? If it's just a moment in mortality, what can I gain eternally because of it?" This isn't because God doesn't care about earthly issues that will be resolved in the Day of Judgement or Resurrection. He cares a great deal. But sometimes His timing and mine take some work and time to align. 

Jesus gave examples of HOW to pray that I had previously overlooked. In the Garden of Gethsemane,  Jesus asked his friends for support and then felt "exceeding sorrowful, even unto death." He fell on his face and prayed, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: NEVERTHELESS not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matt 26:36-39, emphasis added) He prayed THREE times asking for His will, but accepting that God's will was best. In the Lord's prayer where he taught his disciples how to pray, He first acknowledged God's greatness in wonderful reverence and then said, "Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth." It was after this acknowledgment that God's will and an eternal perspective was the primary request that He then asked for His daily bread and more. Others throughout the scriptures teach us that words such as, "But if not..." or "Give me strength to bear..." were a depth to prayer my little 5 year old ring-searching soul didn't quite grasp at the time. There is also a sense of work to be done on the person pleading for intervention. God is mighty and all powerful. If he wants to move our mountains with legions of angels, He certainly can. But, it may not be what's best for us. Nephi's brothers tied him up and desired his death on more than one occasion. Instead of asking for a complete release from torment, he prayed for strength to break the ropes himself with God's assistance. I have asked many times for relief, a cure, a reprieve, and a solution. I believe whole heartedly in miracles. But my role in the miracles or simply being able to see the path in a different light is something I'm learning more and more each day.

Have you ever prayed your entire soul with gut wrenching sobs as your earth was shattered off its axis? You prayed in a wailing weep and with a desire more desperate than you wanted air itself? How could God's will NOT be to grant your deepest desire? You wonder if the deafening silence and heavy burden will actually kill you?

I have decided that to me, these are times of silence and pause for both of us. It does NOT mean God's absent, apathetic, or leaving me alone. Instead, He is there even more reaching out to me, providing a quiet strength and comfort only He and Christ can offer. Their pause in relief cause me to pause and consider more aspects of the picture that seems to blind me into oblivion. The more I pause in prayer, the more my soul is filled with the Holy Spirit of lessons only this mortal realm has to offer. There is purpose to our suffering. The pause is a powerful moment, which seems to stretch into eternity, for growth and a closeness to heaven. In a sense it does stretch into eternity. If we turn TO God, it will make us better and we will be blessed into eternity. If we turn FROM God, we will inevitably become bitter and we could be cursed into eternity. (Forgiveness and the atonement are always available, thank GOODness.)

I have thought so much about silence the past few months. Silence from the heavens as I sat too often in silence myself, feeling like the world passed me by. To not be able to smile, talk, or laugh at times has been one of my greatest curses. There were times when the only solace I found was in planning my funeral so my husband wouldn't have to worry. The only reprieve I saw on my horizon was death. Butterflies have grown in significance to me. We could release butterflies. Of my two favorite songs, "Nearer My God to Thee," and "A Child's Prayer," which one should be opening and closing song? How do I get the plans to my hubby so he doesn't have to worry? How do I go about buying my plot? Where will I be stuck in the earth for quite some time? Maybe Kansas isn't the best place for me forever. Humph. In my darkest hours it was the only happiness I could find to shove aside the numbness burying me alive. The constant level of pain was beyond belief and hard to describe the depths of despair. Thankfully it didn't last. There were friends and family who lifted me when I literally couldn't lift my body or voice. But even more than that, God and Christ have lifted me and taught me more than I sensed at the time. I know my "suffering unto death" pales in comparison to all Christ endured.

But because Christ descended below all things and rose above it all, He is the one and only I know who truly understands all I endure. There isn't a soul on earth I know who has/is going through everything I am going through. I can't find research anywhere leading me to someone who can tell me that if I do A, B, and C, relief will follow. I can't even find a timeline of "Hold on this long and you'll feel more like a normal human being." God does know all and has provided a great deal of comfort along the way. The more I have left my will on the sidelines, the more strength I have found from above to carry on. I feel more alive each passing week and feel as though this time in my life is my cocoon phase. Darkness, transformation, stillness, and a pause where I wondered if the suffering was necessary is slowly dissipating. I believe that in small doses, day by day, relief and growth are happening.

Yesterday, on Saturday, as I continued to talk with my little four-year-old daughter about the meaning and importance of Easter, I contemplated a lot about the last week of Christ's life.  I remember walking through the Kidron Valley, thinking of the Psalm, "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death," as the shadows of graves loomed along the path. We sang songs that echoed through the upper room where the Last Supper may have been held. I sat quietly on the steps Christ would have taken to be unfairly judged. One of my most peaceful memories was sitting near the garden tomb and feeling the reality of Christ's sacrifice, death, and resurrection. The newness, rebirth, joy, rejoicing, and hope available to all of us is beautiful. But, the fullness of these beautiful aspects of eternity awaiting us won't come without the sorrow, despair, and pauses. These times of quiet reflection and painful transformations are incredibly vital to our journey here on earth and throughout eternity. The fact that healing, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual, take time is not a bad thing. God has the power to do it instantly. But the opportunity to learn our own capacity for strength, love, empathy, and more grows with time just as our hearts and souls heal piece by piece.

Here is Max Lucado's "The Silence of Saturday," which summed up my thoughts regarding the silence above (or pauses I like to call them), in a more eloquent fashion.

Jesus is silent on Saturday.  The women have anointed his body and placed it in Joseph’s tomb.  The cadaver of Christ is as mute as the stone which guards it.  He spoke much on Friday. He will liberate the slaves of death on Sunday.  But on Saturday, Jesus is silent.

So is God.  He made himself heard on Friday.  He tore the curtains of the temple, opened the graves of the dead, rocked the earth, blocked the sun of the sky, and sacrificed the Son of Heaven.  Earth heard much of God on Friday.

Nothing on Saturday.  Jesus is silent.  God is silent.  Saturday is silent.

Easter weekend discussions tend to skip Saturday.  Friday and Sunday get the press.  The crucifixion and resurrection command our thoughts.  But don’t ignore Saturday.  You have them, too.

Silent Saturdays.  The day between the struggle and the solution; the question and the answer; the offered prayer and the answer thereof.

Saturday’s silence torments us.  Is God angry?  Did I disappoint him? God knows Jesus is in the tomb, why doesn’t He do something?  Or, in your case God knows your career is in the tank, your finances are in the pit, your marriage is in a mess. Why doesn’t He act?  What are you supposed to do until He does?

You do what Jesus did.  Lie still.  Stay silent.  Trust God.  Jesus died with this conviction: “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay” (Acts 2:27 NIV).

Jesus knew God would not leave him alone in the grave.  You need to know, God will not leave you alone with your struggles.  His silence is not his absence, inactivity is never apathy.  Saturdays have their purpose. They let us feel the full force of God’s strength. Had God raised Jesus fifteen minutes after the death of His son, would we have appreciated the act? Were He to solve your problems the second they appear, would you appreciate His strength?

For His reasons, God inserts a Saturday between our Fridays and Sundays.  If today is one for you, be patient.  As one who endured the silent Saturday wrote:  “Be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord” (James 5:7 NKJV).

© Max Lucado, 2013

https://maxlucado.com/the-silence-of-saturday/

Sunshine ALL the time makes a desert

"Sunshine all the time makes a desert." -Arabian proverb

As more and more of my senses disappear and pain takes its place, I've been thinking a lot about how figuratively my senses seem to increase. I know it makes no sense, but let me explain.

The less I can physically see, the more I see of what really matters in life.
The less I can physically hear, the more I try to listen and hear from above instead of the chaos around me.
The less I can physically feel, the more I feel emotionally and spiritually (if I allow it).
The less I can physically taste, the more I re-evaluate what I take in.
The less I can smell...well, I was born without a real sense of smell. I have never smelled flowers, rain, dirt, or much of anything. But I do have a killer sense of intuition and can smell dishonesty and sneaky things pretty early on. Maybe before we came to earth I traded 3/4 of my sense of smell for an increased dose of my 6th sense.

Truth be told, the more time goes on, the more my surgery has made things worse for me. I now constantly feel like someone is kicking in my front 4 teeth and someone is yanking out my lower jaw & teeth and someone won't stop punching me in the face. Some of the burning has been replaced by stinging (tip of my tongue and a spot by my chin switches between burning, stinking, and aching). I still can't really hear out of my right ear. I struggle immensely talking, yawning, eating, etc because it increases the stabbing and burning pains. I also thought not being able to taste things very well would be great for me! I'd lose my desire to eat and lose weight. While I did cut down on things I ate, I didn't lose weight. AND lately I've wanted to eat more to try to taste more like I used to. These are new issues and not the end of the world. It's the constant pain and wondering if there is any relief on the horizon that has been the issue.

BUT, I've been TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED. (I'm still operating at about 98% happy 2% depressed). Anytime I feel like I have reached the pinnacle of my pain & suffering, someone lends a helping hand or words of encouragement to lead me away from the edge. It has been amazing how inspired many of my friends and family have been. They have been my sunshine in my dark, dark days.

In a few days it will be GROUNDHOG day. This is folklore that says if the sky is CLOUDY when the groundhog emerges, Spring is around the corner. However, if it is SUNNY, the groundhog sees his shadow, retreats, and Winter persists for 6 more weeks. 2-2 is the day and many people can relate more to the Movie than actually watching Punxsutawney Phil explore his world. Isn't it almost comical and twisted that if it's cloudy, good is coming soon? And if its sunny, instead of enjoying the warmth, the groundhog retreats and coldness ensues? Maybe my life is a little too much like both Punxatawney Phil and the movie, "Groundhog Day." My lessons of numbness, loss, and pain repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat...you'd think I would have learned my lessons to move on to the 3rd. haha. The 3rd of February, by the way, is the day I meet again with the neurosurgeon. I have held onto this day for almost 2 weeks now. Boy, do I have questions!!!

Growing up in the desert, I didn't thoroughly experience all 4 seasons like many others in various parts of the country do. Some plants and animals have adapted to survive in the desert, but as a whole it's dry, dirty, and not as full of life as other biomes. Sometimes we may hate the cloudy, gloomy, darkened days environmentally speaking and mentally speaking as well. BUT, because of the rain, we get growth. We appreciate the sun. The light at the end of the tunnel, in a matter of speaking, breaks through into our view. We all have seasons in our life and they will pass. Sometimes the rain lasts so much longer than we anticipated and the damage that it can cause may seem insurmountable. We may not even feel the sun or see the sun, but it is always there. 

So, for the last 2% of my struggle (which may never fully disappear, because honestly these new trials are tough). I'm going to do a 2-2 challenge for myself and invite anyone interested in increasing their joy, gratitude, and LIGHT into their lives, I'd love to walk the journey with you. 

Starting on 2-2, 2 goals for the soul til 2-22. 
Write, record, picture, whatever---2 good things that happened that day. 
Something good for the body. (Same thing for 22 days).

My dear friend, Rebecca shared, while fighting a huge battle with cancer, "TOO BLESSED to be STRESSED." Connecting with others and focusing on my many blessings has saved my life and greatly reduced my stress. I decided to take matters into my own hands and shake off the last 2%. Maybe it will work, and maybe it won't. But I've got to try to increase the light and joy in my life, since so much has been sucked out. I may not be able to do so much of what I used to do that brought me peace and joy. Snowboarding, traveling, photography, camping, swimming, humanitarian work, visiting family, throwing parties, scrapbooking, walking, or even little things like reading or writing sometimes. There may be VERY few things left in life that physically bring me joy or relief. But, I do find joy in each day. Typically it is my husband, daughter, family (parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles), and friends. However, it is usually focused on others and rarely on me. So, I'm going to take more time to focus on not just BARELY getting by, but on filling ME up. 

I'm not going to shirk from the shadows. I'm not going to mope around in gloomy weather. 

Goals for 2-2 to 2-22: EVERY DAY:::
1) Picture or journal TWO things that reminded me of God's love or made me happy.
2) 20/20 for clearer vision: 20 minutes reading scriptures & prayer with 20 minutes of stretching or yoga or visualization depending on my strength and abilities. (I will also be fueling my body with WFPB and decreasing my refined sugar intake). 

This is my "Joy" box I've filled since college of sweet messages from friends or family.
Bring on the LIGHT, SUNSHINE, and JOY!