Cursed, blessed or somewhere in between

I started this journal (LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT) in Dec 2014. I have tried to make life positive and joyful. I've tried to find life lessons locked inside trials. I've tried making sense of bad luck and questionable outcomes. In the end, I've decided that sometimes life just happens and you can't make sense of it in the middle of the chapter. I call this chapter of our life, "cursed, yet blessed."

In about a month's time we have received bad news or questioned our survival skills daily. :)

Here are our highlights (starting with the night we arrived back in KS):

Railroad called back, hubby put in 2 weeks notice. Instead of working for 6-9 months as anticipated, we worked less than 2. I had anxiety about it all. I wasn't sure if my fear of having no work by the time we went back was real or if it was the anxiety over returning to an environment where I was basically home bound (I was able to go outside 3 times a week without problems and would return to a place where I can't go out once a week for an hour without problems). 

The job he was to work would have Wed/Thurs off. We arrived at midnight on Wednesday and he was bumped. The next day he was furloughed. Again. Not even one day of work. 

And then things kept getting a bit more difficult. 

A day or two later, back in the ER. 

ER doc said to see a specialist. 

Specialist changed our appointment. 

No medical coverage for the hubs (letter went to ID and back and we missed the deadline by one day). 

Car registration on old car (in need of brakes) expired. I rarely leave the house anyway, we had no work, so we decided to wait. 

Renter in our Topeka home actually clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom a bit. Replaced parts. 

Replaced the stolen a/c. 

Denied disability medical benefits (apparently more than 80% of MS applicants are denied their first time. Most employ a disability lawyer. Moving between two states made the process more difficult). I was shocked, but figured that even though I struggle walking daily, fatigue makes basic cleaning and cooking abilities non existent, and am almost entirely home bound, I am still able to take care of very basic needs. So, I guess I'm good. I need help but can keep pushing forward. 

Other car to register $399.

Hubs got a job for $10-$12 an hour. 

Turns out the job equalled $3.75 an hour during training. 

After 3 days (40 hrs-long days), hubs was too sick. Couldn't work (either one of us), but understanding boss. 

Helped his friend (who helped us). 

Worked on brother's house a bit, but struggled some. 

Baby girl was sick. 

Health was a struggle for all, with me being the most "healthy" for a time. (Both of us struggled driving, walking, cleaning, etc). 

Renter in our home overflowed the washer, flooding the kitchen, hall, laundry closet and part of the living room. We found out after the fact and paid to fix it. 

Pink eye and ear infection. 

Bronchitis. 

Black widows in our current rental. 

Sinus infection, bronchitis and doc said if I'd waited one more day I'd be in a lot of trouble (on the edge of pneumonia). 

Doctor guessed a brain tumor, MRI. 

Negative MRI. No answers yet, more specialists, but no tumor. 

Everywhere we have turned for help has been ignored or delayed to the point of not happening. 

We have been deeply humbled and have reached the point where we have needed help. I thought Aug was bad with $600, two house payments, a MS relapse, a move and a haunted house was hard. Then I thought Jan/Feb with a furlough and no luck with employment was bad. This last month has trumped them all and  who knows when the ride will be over. 

In the end, it is what it is. We have been tremendously blessed, while also slightly cursed. 

Hub's dad noticed our car tags expired and helped us. My parents helped us with our rent, copays for hospitals, and groceries. A dear friend (who recently found out she has stomach cancer) brought us dinner that fed us for several meals and her hubby gave us both blessings. I got to watch a TV show with a friend (we haven't had TV or internet and I haven't been out much). Hub's parents watched our girl several times and buy us milk weekly. A very dear friend from the ward watched our lil cutie and took her shopping! Shoes, make up, a bouncy ball and fun on a playground. Tonight, the same friends brought us several meals for the next few weeks. A friend paid hubs $200 for a job that sustained us for 3 + weeks of no employment. Brother paid so fairly that we could go to three doctors, pay utilities and more. At the moment all 3 of us have insurance and antibiotics (and steroids too for me). It will change soon, but we are just living in the moment these days. 

Each time I've thought---we can make it five more days. We can make it one more day. I THINK I can make it 10 more minutes. But each time we have been able to persevere and keep going usually with a smile on our faces. Some days it has been easy (ish) to count our blessings and other times all I could say was, "It's a good day because ...we are alive."  I've stopped trying to make sense of things and figure out some hidden gem of knowledge in our trials. Now I'm just riding the wave, going with the flow, and grateful for those around us who are making life possible. 

In the end, I know we will be okay. Some people's' reactions are funny. Sometimes others have guessed and been off. But all in all, most people have been incredibly supportive, loving, helpful and generous. We laugh about our luck, but are simply grateful to be alive. We will survive. 

Stop Surviving; Unpack the Bags and LiVe

When I lived in Israel, after about 5 weeks, the 2000 intifada began. Much changed as chaos ensued throughout the land. We always had to have our bags packed, a charter plane was constantly scheduled and rescheduled, detours and changes in itineraries were followed under the direction of our leaders, President Faust checked on us daily and he allowed us to climb Mt. Siani before we left abruptly from the Holy Land. I was a part of the last of the three shifts as we exited Israel and the tanks were going off so closely that our windows rattled. It was the only day I was scared (despite the turmoil surrounding us for months). I remember one testimony meeting where a local bore her testimony in gratitude that even though her neighbor's home had been 'bombed,' hers was spared. I had never worried about surviving to this extent. We were watched over, protected, and blessed beyond measure. 

With my expedition to Africa, most of our luggage was dedicated to the 140 pounds of school and medical supplies we each brought to donate to five orphanages and the slums outside of Nairobi. When I returned to America, I only brought back souvenirs and the clothes I wore on my back. You cannot see that type of poverty and survival without a huge part of your heart being broken open and a little left behind. 

As I planned my European adventure for us 4 single gals, I thought about all aspects of an expedition of this magnitude. Castle stays in Ireland with a medieval banquet, country side tours with Bath, Stonehenge, film sites of Harry Potter and Pride and Prejudice in England, underwater tunnel from Great Britain to Paris, the Eiffel Tower, Louvre and double decker tours, night train through France and Italy, exploration under the Vatican and all over the Colloseum of Italy, sleeping in a monastery, meeting my Greek family, cruising through 5 Greek Isles and Turkey complete with a donkey ride up Santorini and standing in the home of my great grandfather were all on the itinerary. I was always conscious of my budget and keeping it relatively cheap ($4,500) for nearly a month. One way to 'save money' was to ONLY bring a purse and a carry on bag. I thought I'd save money on fees for each flight we took and figured by Italy, I would send home many of my souvenirs to leave space in my luggage. I nearly missed my flight from Italy to Greece because I couldn't ship out my souvenirs in Italy. Many flights I simply wore several outfits simultaneously so as to leave room for my precious finds. My luggage and most of my souvenirs survived the adventure and my experience was something I will treasure for eternity. 

All 3 of my travel goals had been met and the next month I met my husband. 6 months later we were sealed in the temple. Since then, I've moved A LOT. My MS got too bad, I needed to stay home with my daughter and my disease, energy and address have changed quite a bit. In 3 1/2 years, I have moved 6 times from all kinds of homes or apartments. Because of my health, it took me a LONG time to unpack each time. Usually with help from others. It seemed like every time we got comfortable and fully unpacked, we had to move again. Some have been great places and experiences and others have been down right miserable. Each move has brought on new or worsening symptoms and some relapses. But I think the worst has been that I've carried around literal and figurative baggage. 

At different stages of my life I have simply endured or survived (barely) and other times I've thrived. Looking back I think the times I was just "enduring to the end," I looked around at others and carried too much weight of what I thought I should look like, be able to do, own, and be. I welcomed the darkness as I stumbled, gazed downward and let fear take the wheel. It felt like there was no hope and no light at the end of the tunnel. But, I've been able to shake off the dirt, reach out and find hope and light again. 

Fast forward to these past few years and I've been in survival mode again, though. I had no idea how difficult humidity is for a person with MS. I went from going out daily to only being able to go out once a week (and spending most of my time in the car or bathroom). I went from cleaning, cooking, teaching, crafting, photography, exploring, socializing, touching many children's lives, visiting with family frequently, and balancing much to needing help with basic duties. If I cooked one meal, I paid for it for days after. Doing one load of dishes took me at least an hour because of the breaks I had to integrate. My cameras sat on shelves, laundry piled up for my husband, and my screaming baby/toddler couldn't understand why I couldn't lift her when she wanted comfort or she couldn't go outside again. I cannot explain to you the anguish of not being able to pick up my crying daughter, not being able to go outside to feel the sun for even ten minutes more than once a week, or constantly learning what my body could and could NOT do with each new symptom or exacerbation. My idea of what kind of a mom and wife I'd always wanted to be did not jive with my struggling body. I was surviving and BARELY at that.

But, I tried to smile, laugh and brush it off daily. I also rarely unpacked everything because I was always nervous that once I was comfortable that I'd move again or experience some drastic change. I am not saying every day was down right miserable with me lying on the bed day in and day out. Some days, yes, but overall, my little family of three tried to make the best of things. I made sure that my daughter prayed, played, laughed and learned. At a very young age she demonstrated OCD tendencies beyond typical developmental stages, so I've worked with her on things, as has our situation. It's been tough, but we've had much assistance along the way. 

I knew with us moving to Idaho for my husband to work with my dad on the temple, that it was temporary. I felt as though it was an opportunity to work on my health. We came at a beautiful time and I was able to go outside 3-4 days a week. Often I couldn't do much, but it was easier on me than Kansas. I had better doctors who listened and made a bit of progress. I tried eating a very strict diet (I'll write more about it later) that was gluten free, dairy free, sugar free and avoided most meats, condiments, and other 'luxuries.' I didn't get better, met with another nutritionist and am hopeful for what lies ahead with a mostly anti-inflammatory diet with roots in GAPS diet to heal my gut. (Along with a MRT/LEAP diet plan). 

At one point, I was especially frustrated because I was eating carefully, and increasingly struggling. Numbness and tingling in my extremities was now a daily occurrence without relief. My mom was one of 3 speakers for a RS birthday celebration focusing on, "What I wished I'd known back then [raising kids]." With her, she brought this quote tile I bought her many years back. 

"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." Gordon B. Hinckley

My mom's talk was hilarious, insightful and inspiring. By the end I struggled walking, went to one door and asked a lady to hold it open since I didn't have strength. Two girls went through the next set before I could reach it and one turned back. She asked if I was okay and I smiled and nonchalantly stated, "Yeah. I just have MS and struggle sometimes." My usual happy shrug was met with questions instead. This girl had told her husband last night that she had reached her breaking point. As she explained her symptoms, I could relate, understand and empathize with her. It is difficult to find a good neurologist and she was nervous to have a spinal tap. This disease can rob you of hope and replace your life with fear. Because it is so different for everyone, unpredictable and debilitating, you never know what to expect. But, there are similarities and I'm learning to open up about it instead of dealing with it alone. It helped renew me by meeting this cute girl and reminded me that we are all in this journey together. It turned out that I was the right person in the right place at the right time to help her. 

Shortly thereafter, the board for the railroad was moving quickly. My husband's managers told him it was good that he hadn't been called yet. Many guys took a borrow out and would return. He would probably only get a few weeks of work before being furloughed again. Since he had a great job in Idaho, they hoped he could ride out the wait. The next day he was called back. He had to give his two weeks notice and we were heading back for temporary work (hoping he at least works some instead of giving up this job, not having work there and no unemployment). I struggled because I have enjoyed being able to go outside a few times a week and being near family. 

I laughed when I saw one bag in my room that I haven't moved since we arrived. I didn't fully unpack. I started thinking about these past two years, especially. I haven't fully lived. I've enjoyed and laughed through parts of my life, but not all. Sometimes life is simply that way. We have stages in our lives where we are moving, changing, growing, hurting, struggling and surviving. But, if we let it continue in the same manner, we miss out on much joy, fun and laughter. 

Anyone who knows me knows I laugh a little too much. But, as my hope has dwindled, my joy has too. Instead of focusing on the fact that I can't clean, cook or pop out baby #10, like I envisioned years ago, I will focus on the joy I have today. I will unpack all my burdens, frustrations, comparisons, expectations, and remembrance of what I USED to be able to do. Instead, I'll unpack, look forward and find joy. I have found much joy in my daughter and my husband. But, over the past few years I have lost joy in myself. I haven't felt joy over my abilities, accomplishments or soul. I have more today than I ever thought I would have years ago. I also have much less than I anticipated as well. Sometimes I have looked around at others and focused too much on the NOT instead of what I have been blessed with. I've decided that I need to put on the blinders like those race horses ("Comparison is the thief of Joy"), set down my roots wherever my family is at the moment, and find joy in ALL parts of my life. 

50 shades of LOVE

I'm more of a black-and-white kind of gal and try to avoid the gray areas Satan often uses to pull or push us into the dark side. I haven't read the nastified book, "50 Shades of Grey," but hearing the weak plot convinced me that I wouldn't touch it with a 50 ft pole. (Not that I'm strong enough to lift a pole that huge, but you got what I was throwing down). 

I find it ironic that the film/book is coming out on Valentine's day, since it sounds like the furthest thing from a romance or love. And the main character's name is Christian?! He sounds like the antagonist to a real Christian. 

I've seen articles discussing the book and film and am appalled that anyone would support an entitled man into bondage, stalking, control, abuse, sadism and masochism who takes advantage of a naive virgin (because he is handsome and rich). Make the main character homeless, penniless, and outwardly dirty like he is inside and I think people would be outraged. 

At the chiropractors recently, the assistant was saying a radio report stated that the film should have been rated NC-17 because it had more skin shown and pushed the line more than any other rated R movie. I mentioned how I had just read a magazine article in their office about how poorly the book is written and how controlling the man is to the young girl. He chooses a gynecologist and has her examined at his house. He has the many girls sign papers where he can do anything he wants to them. I said I couldn't understand why people were accepting this instead of burning it and outraged. The lady next to me said it was a good book. Yes, it should have been rated higher than R, but it was good. 

I wonder if she has worked with abused and neglected kids. Of all abuse, I have seen that sexual abuse causes the most damage long term. (Just my experience). 

The Malaysian Film Censorship Board (LPF) denied a certificate to screen Fifty Shades of Grey in their country, Variety reports, thus canceling the movie's Feb. 12 expected released date in Malaysia.

LPF chairman Abdul Halim referred to the erotic book-turned-movie as being "more pornography than a movie," adding that the film contains scenes that "are not of natural sexual content."

America (and other countries), however report record-breaking pre-ticket sales. I used to think pornography and erotica were more of a male thing. But, that was me being naive. 

Over the years I have learned how damaging pornography is to relationships and society. Is there a serial murderer who wasn't addicted? Do you know what young girls these days are being told they should do as young men are viewing the demeaning, violent, raunchy filth for their "education?" How many marriages have crumbled under Satan's thumb? 

Before I was married, I witnessed miserable marriages and divorces from people in abusive, controlling, selfish, addicted relationships. I knew a few things I would never settle for: abusive and/or controlling hubby, demeaning attitudes or talk, addicted to pornography, substance abuse or gambling, or someone with Satan in their back pocket, avoiding looking upward. 

I decided I would rather be somewhat sad and single than miserably married throughout mortality. 

When I met my husband, we talked about anything and everything. We knew the best and the worst about each other by day 5 (we talked for 9 hrs straight only taking bathroom breaks---I couldn't get enough of him). Before my love, I thought you had to date a man for at least a year to understand his dark side. Addictions, selfishness levels, commitment, etc. But, I learned quickly my man was who I had been searching for my whole life. He made me want to be better without ever making me feel bad (demeaning, controlling, cruel). We decided what we would do with finances, media, if we never got pregnant, if I ended up in a wheelchair or bedridden, and how we would fortify our home against Satan. We developed plans to avoid pornography, "chores" around the house, temple attendance schedules, and boundaries of intimacy before and after marriage. 

The world would laugh and scoff at the fact that I was a virgin at 32 and didn't show full love until after I was married for time and all eternity. Society today would mock us for having security on our computers and even cell phones for grown adults. But I cannot put into words the appreciation and deep love that comes from waiting until you were joined in the temple. To unite entirely with ONLY one person the way God had intended. No regrets and only purity brings blessings Hollywood can't imagine or even come close to portraying. 

So here is my list of 50 shades of love (in no particular order) from my experience with my one-true-love. (Most people don't believe in soul mates. I believe it is rare, but possible). 

1. Intimacy w/in bonds of marriage (monogamy)

2. Never demeaning or controlling your spouse (I have seen marriages where one controls and the other becomes a shell of who they once were. It is like the life is sucked out of them. I used to think Satan's plan would have failed because we would have not grown and would have stayed the same. But, now I wonder if it would shrink and whither our spirits to almost nothing. Zombie, angst, misery always on edge as they walk over egg shells. Not Celestial at all). 

3. Kissing and saying, "I love you" every time we part

4. Reading scriptures and praying as a family daily

5. Telling me I'm beautiful and don't need to lose a pound when I get insecure about weight gain due to meds

6. Cooking, cleaning, and asking what he can do to help me when I have no strength (I could care less if he is loading the dishwasher different than I would. He's loading the dishwasher and being a partner!! No complaints here--just a whole lot of praise and kisses). 

7. Priesthood blessings

8. Giving me the best towel, biggest half of a treat, and best seat in the house

9. Massages

10. Holding and hugs

11. Talking about our dreams and planning our future (sometimes we roam around hardware stores dreaming about our home and pretending)

12. Date nights (we haven't had one for a while, but we will eventually). 

13. Encouraging me to never stop dreaming and asking how he can help me achieve

14. Amazing father who is usually on the same page as me with parenting. Our baby loves us both!!

15. Talking for hours many nights a week

16. When I crash too early, he takes me to bed and let's me sleep on

17. Going to the card isle and laughing our heads off for "date night" with diapers in hand. 

18. Road trips to no where

19. No pornography in our homes or on phones for our entire marriage

20. Intimacy as often as we both want it and respect, admiration and love throughout. 

21. His unconditional love for me has shown me how God and Christ see me. He has brought me closer to them because of his love for me. 

22. He doesn't communicate with exes and told me before marriage that he wanted a joint fb account for that reason (plus he doesn't really like fb). 

23. He works hard to provide for us

24. He reads to me at night and sometimes scratches my back until I fall asleep

25. Witness couple at Nauvoo temple

26. Always opens my doors

27. Calls me his Queen and our daughter his princess (and treats us accordingly)

28. Foot massages and when we had money, he encouraged me to get pedicures from time to time to relax and get out

29. Asked my mom to take me clothes shopping because I wouldn't during pregnancy (or really ever)

30. Bought me a computer when I was teaching (2 incomes makes a diff :)) so I could load my pictures and work on my book

31. Moved to Utah for me (I was planning on moving there, but when we prayed, we both felt like Utah first, then Kansas). 

32. He will watch chick flicks with me (here and there :))

33. I have never washed the toilet since marriage and rarely have taken out the trash. He calls me his queen and doesn't think I should have to do dirty work. 

34. Since a bad relapse, he has always done the laundry. (He washes, and I fold when I'm strong)

35. We hold hands all the time

36. He asks how I'm doing and means it

37. He can read me and encourages me to talk through things after I've had a bit of time to process

38. In the few disagreements we've had, we always come together and are never cruel in a discussion

39. We don't yell

40. I randomly try to scare him when he least expects it. He used to scare me often, but I got too used to it. :)

41. We both decided we will do all in our control to see both families each year. 

42. We never talk down to each other. He didn't want another mom and I didn't want another dad. We wanted to be equals in the journey. 

43. Every day we talk about how lucky we are to have each other and talk about what a great life we have (count our blessings in a sense)

44. Helps a lot with potty training and asks for fashion advice (does this match) when he dresses the toddler and we are going out. 

45. Randomly thanks me for saying, "yes," to marry him

46. Serves generously

47. Tells our lil 2 yr old, "You are beautiful like mom," and "you are sooo smart. You got that from your mama."

48. Family Home Evening, regular church attendance, prayers, and gospel discussions regularly 

49. Crazy family dance parties, hide-and-seek and chasing at this house almost daily (dances with me in the kitchen or wherever prob weekly)

50. We laugh daily, love often and may not be rich by the world's standard, but I feel eternally blessed and rich. 

I hope when my little girl grows up, she puts God first and finds a man as good as mine. If she can't find someone who eschews pornography or controlling bahaviors, is able to take her to the temple, never pushes her to do things she isn't comfortable with, talks her up instead of putting her down, gives her the best (butterflies, hope, encouragement, and love), then I hope she runs and finds joy in singleness until she finds him. 

I wish everyone became and found something great instead of playing around in the gray. 

Articles I've read recently: 

http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/#sthash.sCTZLw20.dpbs

https://www.lifesitenews.com/static/even-the-co-stars-think-50-shades-of-grey-is-awful-rubbish-and-maybe-even-a.html

https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/david-vs.-goliath-wholesome-romance-old-fashioned-goes-head-to-head-with-50

http://m.cnsnews.com/news/article/susan-jones/afa-fifty-shades-grey-glamorizes-abuse-degrades-women

Sorry I couldn't find the news article where they were interviewing young guys and gals as they cried because of what guys think is acceptable. 

Wait and Keep Moving

It's no secret that things have been chaotic, confusing, and dismal at times, especially since we made the move for the railroad. Last year, my resolution was to simplify. BOY, did God help me achieve that one! We moved 3 times in 11 months (nearly everything I own is now broken, scratched or torn), I had the worst relapse of my life along with 2 other flare ups coupled with a slew of side effects because of new meds. Imagine having your upper body stuffed into an oven, bugs you can't see crawling all over you and you have the worst flu you've ever imagined every single day for 7.5 months. There were a few others (tongue swelling, hurting, itching, trouble walking, talking, etc, but the buggy, fire burnin, chained to the toilet experience was the most common). I learned to simplify and counted what mattered most. There were some great moments and some tough ones. Overall, it was the hardest year physically and financially. (It could have been much worse, but was difficult nonetheless).

Especially hard were the last 5 months of 2014. We were coming up short every month, but able to avoid debt in the beginning of 2014. But, with medical bills drowning us, we survived until we couldn't. After much prayer, we took a job with the railroad. The night of my husband's last day, someone hopped our fence and stole everything from our garden (except for the zucchini, which we had given the week before to all of our neighbors). I was mad and felt violated for 30 min and then shrugged my shoulders figuring they were desperate. We put money into selling our home and moved. Shortly thereafter someone stole our a/c unit (at most they would have made $40 from ours and the 15 other homes, church, and school they robbed, but will cost us thousands of dollars to replace). We stayed with my in-laws while I recovered from a flare up and then started living in a haunted house. We finally got the evil out and moved again. The first 8 weeks we only made $1,200 total. I don't know many people who can survive on $600 in a month, especially with a move, two house payments and attempts at taking care of the adorable, but wretched Topeka home. There were times we shook our heads and wondered if we had made a mistake. We went from coming up $500/mo short to coming up thousands short. I had never had credit card debt until this year. Quickly we maxed out our credit card on necessities. But, we knew God said to take this path and figured it would even out shortly. SIMPLIFY. 

I was much more cautious in my choice of focus for 2015. I had little hope with my health and decided to refocus. HOPE, Health, and Happiness. We spent little on Christmas and kept cutting back. 

(It turned out to be wonderful). 

Almost immediately after I decided at the end of December what I'd focus on, I had to go to the ER, was rear ended by a gem of a lady, and all 3 of us got sick. A few weeks after my hubby finished his training, he got very ill. In a matter of minutes, he went from talking, to dizzy, running/stumbling to the bathroom, vomitting, and then started to get confused and cold. His body temperature was severely low, he was confused, eyes were twitching and then he stopped responding. I was holding him up in the bathroom with one arm, calling 911 against my shoulder, and keeping a tiny vomit bowl in the other. For about 30 seconds I got scared and told my love that he couldn't leave me. We hadn't even celebrated our 3rd yr anniversary. The ambulance came, they took him to the ER and rushed him to CT. For about 30 min they suspected a stroke. I wondered stroke or heart attack. I was calm through it, though, because I had felt as though he would be okay. A few days later he was bumped off work, then furloughed. They first said two months. 

The next day, on our anniversary, we got the final call that the railroad furloughed 300 guys and most likely it will be until September. 

Let me digress a bit and share that we thought we had been cautious in our financial and professional decisions. In a blessing I had been told I'd have a house that I'd raise my daughter in. It was what we looked for and planned on living in Topeka for a long time. We were approved for $120,000 and prayed over 3 beautiful homes, but got a "NO." We reevaluated and decided to go cheaper since we knew we would have to replace the hub's truck with over 200k miles and a back seat barely fitting the babe. We prayed and felt "ok" about a home half the price of our approval. I almost backed out twice and had a feeling/impression that I would really be angry we bought the house in the second year. I couldn't see any other option, since we had seen every house in our budget, and wanted out of the crappy apartments. I thought the warning was just a preparation for when something like the plumbing or electrical went arwy. The next time I didn't want to lose our $1,500 earnest money. Ohhhh, to only be out $1,500 now. What a small sum. :)

Fast forward to now and it makes sense. On paper everything looked like it would work out. Banks agreed and were amazed at our credit. But, God knew medical would come up and change would arise sooner than we'd planned. Surprises and twists came when I had a plan and God had another.

Now we were furloughed, maxed out with debt and in 3 weeks we would have no money for mortgage, rent, electricity or even toilet paper or milk. I was despondent, scared and confused. It seemed like every time we took a step forward, we were pushed back twice as far. Nearly everything we tried wasn't working out. I started reasoning which bill I would miss first and decided that we were past being able to catch up and I considered the worst case scenario. I would lose the home, car and even my cell phone (my only internet connection and link to family and friends). I couldn't see how it could possibly work out. I had gone from a 2,100 sq ft home and had always managed to stay afloat. Now I was thinking we would lose everything, sell what I had and move into the in-laws with 100 or 200 sq ft. for all we owned.  But, I knew we weren't as lost as homeless or the many I saw across the world who were starving or wondering how they would literally love day-to-day. My husband has many talents and would get a job. I started to accept that if the worst happened, they were just things. This could be a "restart." My original plan was to have no debt (credit card) by the end of the year. This wasn't what I meant, but it was one way. A fourth option I hadn't considered. I needed the time to worry and grieve, but accepted it and became more open so God could teach me to really see. 

I decided that they were simply things. What really mattered was my phenomenal hubby and precious daughter. Waves of frustration or jealousy would surface, but only for a quick moment. In the beginning I would be envious of people who could buy whatever groceries they wanted, take trips or replace broken sunglasses, car brakes, or smoking blow driers without a second thought. But, reminiscing of the past or keepin jealousy at the success of others didn't do me any good. I decided that focusing on what I used to have or trying to relive the past makes you miss the beautiful blessings of the present. I remembered the Kenyans I encountered in the slums. I also couldn't worry myself to death over the future. That could blind me to the possibilities of the present and essentially my future if I was paralyzed by fear or frustration. 

 I started thinking in my head, "I am so happy for you that you got to take a trip to Jamaica/Hawaii/see your family. I hope more goodness comes your way!" (And I seriously started to mean it with all kinds of people in different situations I originally viewed as better than mine (financially or physically speaking). I went from 80% happy/20% jealous to a 20/80 reversal to 100% happy for them.) By simply wishing for the best for people in my head, I started having more hope and happiness with my own situation. 

Last year an amazing lady was inspired to help us when no one knew we were struggling and had no idea how we would move from one city to another. We planned on sacrificing, but now I'm sure I would have had another relapse in a time when we had no insurance. We held onto that for a long time knowing that God was aware of us. 

This past month has been an incredible lesson in having faith, waiting, humility, and compassion. I learned I have judged others in my head. I had experienced short periods of having no money, but not to this extent. I was prayin for a miracle because it seemed impossible. I could all of a sudden relate to many more people, but was still incredibly blessed! Several people have rendered incredible amounts of kindness from pizza to coming to help me change my daughter, to milk and bread or texts and phone calls. We have SO much to be thankful for, even if the "Joneses" disagree. 

I won't share all, but we tried being open to many possible options. We went to the temple and felt as though God would give just enough information, step-by-step into the darkness until he finally revealed His plan for us. Overall, I felt a message of "Wait for the answer, but keep moving forward." It sounds like a conundrum. But, I'd experienced it before with regard to travels, education and marriage. Wait, but don't sit in a corner covered in tears and chocolate wrappers. Sure, I did that on a couch with a cheesy movie playing in the background from time to time, but didn't live my life in doom and gloom. 

With prayer and a shifted perspective, I started to grasp more deeply this concept of "With God nothing is impossible," "in the Lord's Due Time," "Come What May, and Love it," and step into the darkness with a glimmer of light and the Savior by your side. Since the temple and that attitude change, I have been at peace and haven't looked back at what I had before or entertained questions of doubt. I think I should almost expect doubt to follow big life changes or inspirations. It's just part of the process. 

How many in the scriptures have had to wait and then conquered the seemingly or truly impossible with God by their side? What if they hadn't? Lot's wife couldn't let go and we know how she got smoked in the process. What if Moses had made it to the Red Sea, determined it was impossible and turned back to captivity or death? How much of history would be different? What if Abraham or even Isaac had said the journey didn't make sense and didn't follow through? What if Christ said, "Let this cup pass from me." Period. Not, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39) How would eternity be if Christ didn't fully accept God's will and timing in His life?

I think of the scripture, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24). When I read that, I read it in the same breath. I don't think that is how it was said, but sometimes I do the same in my life. I have never doubted that God is real, all knowing, all powerful and omnipresent. What I have doubted in is His timing with some pivotal decisions and accomplishments. 

As I get older and witness more experiences of waiting and the lessons and blessings that come because of it, I see more of His perfect timing. With this recent scare and plentiful doubts, I've learned even more gratitude, patience, and trust in God. 

I said I was NOT going to move for another 2 years, but God has a hilarious sense of humor. I still don't know for sure, but it looks like we will be moving again. One would be permanent (I say that cautiously) or temporary until we get the call back for the railroad. But both are great opportunities and we will make it just fine until then. We won't be swimming in a vault of $mulla$ like Scrooge McDuck, but that is good since I'm a bad swimmer and somewhat claustrophobic. We have been blessed with enough even though a lot has gone wrong. In the end, I suppose it has gone wrong according to my time table and understanding, but "right" by God's eternal calculation. 

Here's to our next adventure with Hope, Health and Happiness. 

Zombie of 2013 and 2014

The past year has been rough. There have been some times that have been quite similar to when I started to die in 2006 (although this time I know I'm not dying). Thankfully I'm not zombie-esque 100% of the time, but I've struggled. I had a lot of hope when I started the Herbalife and MS drug the next month. But, between financial strains and physical strains, it hasn't quite worked out. 

7 months of diarrhea every day, period for a month, trouble walking where I'm stumbling into walls, the fridge, couch, bed, needing help showering and dressing, numbness, stuttering, shaking like I have Parkinson's, nausea, dizziness, cluster headaches, burning and itching, fevers and chills, stabbing pains in my intestines and behind my eyes, depression, and isolation because I can't get out, don't have working internet (although I'm severely grateful for my phone that usually works) and can't write, talk or type at times. 

I've heard it said that "God won't give you more than you can handle." But I think that is a misinterpretation of the Apostle Paul who assured us, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1st Corinthians 10:13)

God won't give us a temptation beyond what we can handle, but I think he does give us physically, financially, and/or emotionally beyond what we can handle SO that we HAVE to turn to Him. 

When I was younger, my favorite scripture story was, "The Good Samaritan." In ancient days the Samaritan was looked down on, but it was the humble Samaritan who rescued the broken man left for dead. I loved it because I tend to feel what others feel, love many, and cherish opportunities to serve and uplift. It was what I lived for throughout my life. But then the story of "The Woman with an Issue of Blood," became my favorite because I could relate to her too well through my 17 years of health problems, medical bills, and tests. 

When I was in the ER last night, because MS was taking too much of a toll on my body (inflammation on my brain and probably a new lesion in my brain or spine), I had to laugh and roll my eyes. It took four highly trained professionals to get in the IV. I was probably too dehydrated because of my 7 month bout with diarrhea and the shaking made it hard too. The first three couldn't get anything in my arms or hands despite their greatest digs and shoves. The fourth gal hit a geyser, they said, as blood went all over the bed, floor, and ran down my arm. I told them all thanks and they laughed at me. They mentioned how amazing I had done, how much they had tortured me and how I shouldn't be thanking them. 

Eventually I got high dose steroids and was able to walk and talk better. But, by Sunday morning, insomnia hit and I'm back to shaking and stuttering with a great deal of pain. 

At 3 this morning, I thought about the "Good Samaritan" and thought about how these days I can relate better to the broken man in the street. I can't do what I need to in order to take care of my daughter all day. I can't even take care of myself at the moment. I'm surviving, but not doing much more than a zombie lately. I have been blessed with great family, friends and a ward who have helped me since Thursday. We were blessed tremendously where my hubby was able to get home quicker than ever on the train and got a few days off to take me to the ER and neuro tomorrow. 

I have a great deal to be thankful for these days. I may have muscles and sickness like I run a marathon daily and have the worst flu you can imagine for 7 months straight doused with extra pain and bleeding. 

BUT, with God all things are possible.

 I can't wait for the resurrection, but until then I'm grateful for strength beyond the veil, angels on Earth, and modern medicine. 

A debilitating, chronic disease can be quite depressing (plus there is a physiological component that also creates depression) and inevitably hopelessness creeps in. But, I try to be an optimist beyond reason. I'm hoping that 2014 and 2013 were my years of learning intense lessons, growing closer to my amazing hubby, baby, God and Jesus, so that 2015 will end up being the year I conquer something physical and see greatness. But if NOT, I'm still gonna try to make it a great year. Zombie or no zombie, I'm still here. :)

Christ-centered CHRISTmas

Last year the day we moved into our new little home, my hubby got in a wreck. It had about 250,000 miles and our daughter wasn't fitting well. My car still worked, even though it was 13 years old, but is manual and we needed something that worked better. So, we got a car with a killer deal for Black Friday and have bumper to bumper coverage for 10 years. So, our Christmas was light. We borrowed a 1 foot tree and made the most of it (double bronchitis and a flare up too). 

But, it didn't feel very Christmas-y, so this year, even though I shouldn't have...I really wanted a full size tree and some Christ-centered traditions beyond my usual lamb-like stocking where we write what we will give to Christ for the year. 

I had buyer's remorse with my $35 tree, but we decided that since I didn't get to see family for the holidays, my husband won't be around for Christmas (we have no idea when he will be home) and we are going light this year, we splurged. 

Our RS this year had the option to put in a tiny bit of money for supplies and to make an advent calendar. The original was this one: 

But I have an infinity for sparkle and glitter, so I used some old craft paper to make my own version. I did buy little envelopes, twine and mini clothespins. (Hobby Lobby with 40% off on two trips). Our cute RS lady had the boards cut at Lowe's, then sanded and spray painted it for me. Then we modpodged the paper onto the board. At that point, I started shaking and had to go home to finish. It took me a week to finish, but I finished on December 1st! Yay🌲❄️

With some glitter stickers (I didn't have enough of one type, so I mixed it up and outlined with a pen), I spelled out 

Jesus is the reason for this season. In each one is a slip of paper with scriptures that correspond with the pictures of Jesus's life and what He inspires us to do with regard to that particular event or action. 

We have several things to help my lil 2 year old to learn about the "reason for the season," but this totally helped me get in the mood too! The other ladies finished in a few hours, but I took almost a week. Totally worth it!

Manna Moment in my Wilderness

I had a goal this year to read the entire Old Testament again. It is almost December and I am currently at the end of Numbers. Ha.

Recently I read about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, complaining about the monotonous meals of manna, their travails, and not trusting God, therefore giving up their inheritance of the promised land. Despite many miracles and opportunities, the ungrateful and untrusting generation had to pass before the uprising generation received the blessings.

This past year I've been in my "manna moment" as I've wandered through my own "wilderness." My lil two year old has always been funny about monotony. She has always detested change, but demands variety. For example, in one aspect of her life, eating has always been a struggle. Very rarely will she eat the same thing four days in a row. One week she may love broccoli, bread, and raisins. She may love Cheerios, rice, and berries. But, by the fourth day, she despises it and will take a week, a month, or half a year before she will touch it again. There is no go-to food for her. She abhors Mac and cheese or anything put together (ie sandwiches). Her longest standing morsels of munching have been pretzels, broccoli and milk. But even then, we have had to change it up. She keeps me on my toes and it is good for me too. :)  She acts out when big changes occur, but acts out if things are the same, as well.

I have discovered that I am similar with regard to several aspects of my life. I chose the be a case manager and teacher because there was variety. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but I envisioned it quite differently. Holidays and celebrations like I did with my roommates, meals around the table, trips to the park, dancing and running, building forts, crafting, and so much more.  Lately in my head, I've been tantrumming like a toddler.

My health continues to decline. I have gone from being able to go out two to three times a week (grocery shopping, drives, etc) to barely once a week. It has all been uncharted territory for me, since I don't know anyone else with MS at my level and sole responsibility for a child as young as mine. In the interview for my husband's new job, they warned that the divorce rate is high, mothers at home basically become single mothers, and it is a hard job. It scared us enough that we prayed again and felt a resounding YES that he is supposed to work for the railroad. It has been tough and some things were harder than they said and not as great as they bragged. In the long run, we know it will be worth it. In the short run, my blessings keep telling me that tithing will bless us with a roof over our head and food on the table. 

Thankfully, I have an incredible husband and we have a marvelous marriage. We have almost been married for three years and we still daily talk about our blessings and how lucky we are to have each other.

But, I'll admit, I have been a bit jealous lately. I haven't complained much out loud, but in my head I have been quite like the Israelites. I have missed when I could go out every single day.  I have missed seeing a variety of friends and coworkers. I have missed going grocery shopping and buying whatever we wanted. I have missed having tv AND internet (I am typing all of this on my phone--the only internet we have had for 2+ months). I have missed buying outfits when current ones don't fit or are torn for my family and me. I have missed the variety. I have looked back longingly. I wear the same 6 shirts, 2 borrowed capris, and 1 pair of pants every week. I stay inside almost all day, every day. I clean up poop and pee every day, but only cook over a stove once a week (on a good week). I try going to church every week, but spend a good amount of time in the bathroom, car, or standing outside in 14 degree weather because my body can't cool itself down or handle anything above 70 degrees. I have had diarrhea every day for 7 months, fevers and chills and my period for almost a whole month, and shake, walk funny, and am fatigued beyond belief. I have what I need, because I am not homeless (half of our monthly income goes to our TWO homes), but I have been agitated and ungrateful .

I tend to be a grateful person who tries to find the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. But, lately I have just been lame. I have decided that I may feel quite hopeless with my health, and felt like every day was the same. God threw us a fast curve ball and things have been changing. I never know when my husband will be home or what my body will be capable of for the day. Now I want to go back to the manna. Set schedule, outings two days a week, and one home. :) ha.

But, remembering and learning from the Israelites, I can see that I need to remember what miracles I have been given and God's hand in my life. I wonder if in at least one point in all of our lives we will have to experience the manna as we wander in the wilderness. We may not know another soul who has endured the exact same trials or journeyed along the same path. But, we do know that Christ has experienced it all and will lead us to the promised land. You cannot get to the promised land, as the person you need to be without first walking with God through the wilderness. It may just be me, but I know I am supposed to be learning much. To trust God when it seems like things aren't working out and we play up the challenges to giants. We sometimes put on the blinders and think the captivity we experienced earlier is easier than being pushed out of our comfort zone.

God is giving me "mini-miracles," showing me my strength coupled with His, and I cannot forget that while this may not look like the life I had imagined, I am on the path I hoped for all those years. I continue to laugh daily, stumble a little, but regularly glance upward.