Anger

Have you ever heard of those furious toddlers who hold their breath until they turn blue and pass out?!? Sure, my daughter has had a great number of fits, including flailing arms and legs, Pterodactyl screams, tears, and eventually time-outs for both mama and baby girl. But she's never been so extreme that she passes out. YIKES. {It's a good thing I'm not a yeller. Maybe we would have a raging passer-outter on our hands. Truly, though, she is my world and the light of my life!!!}

These days, though, I am the epitome of an angry toddler who doesn't understand why she is being told, "No!" over and over again.

Turn my face blue and knock me out...emotionally, I'm a three year old.

Many days this month I've just wanted some cartoons, ice cream, to plug my ears, and then run away...from life. Thankfully I have a marvelous husband and a wonderful daughter to keep me here acting *mostly* like an adult. The past month we have spent almost $1,000 alone on attempts to take control of my health. Every single attempt has been a fail-fail-fail. Not only have we failed at improving my health, but I have in fact gotten worse!

Increasing one of my anti-seizure medications led to horrible side effects. I've had to revert back to my normal dose and am still having too many negative side effects (as if I never decreased, even though I HAVE readjusted). The many cannabidoils and even THC products I have tried have failed. MLM company products have been expensive and failures. Paying expensive specialists (so far) has led to more tests without any real solutions. Stress management strategies don't make a dent in my increasing anxiety, depression, insomnia (6-7 weeks), or really anything. My HOPE has chipped away to raw feelings of abandonment and rejection. Even though LOGICALLY I know that I haven't been abandoned and will survive, I can't seem to get my heart on the same page as my brain. My psyche is a lost, confused, frustrated division of my body having a full on conniption fit. But, as always, I chose to 'brave' it alone and in silence. Even my family wouldn't guess how much I'm fighting and shoving that anger deep down until prayer time. I just don't like to admit I'm struggling or bother anyone other than God. Watch out for prayer time because those pounding fists might show you just how angry I've been. (I'm speaking mostly figuratively...truthfully there may have been a shaken fist here or there. Don't judge. =))

I have ONE LAST chance with the NeuroStructural Chiropractor. I've had a few adjustments so far. The first helped for about 2 hours. Within about two hours, though, my pain returned at the same level just as before my adjustment. The next didn't help at all and I seemed to have a little bit of extra pain. BUT, I'm not giving up yet. I really do hope AND PRAY that it will work in time. Both she and my neurologist don't accept insurance, but it is okay. I feel so grateful at this point in my life to be able to try different medical approaches. There was that period of time that we didn't have work or insurance and then I had that HORRIBLE Obamacare/Marketplace plan. I had to put off treatment and tests for quite some time (neurologist wanted me in the hospital for care, but I did it at home. Root canal needed for 1.5 years. MRI and blood work requested. New health issues but no endocrinologist in our whole town so my plan wouldn't cover a nearby endocrinologist. I had hair falling out to the point of bald spots, swelling on top of my head with stabbing pains on my head and face, irregular heart beats, etc (changed from HYPO to HYPERthyroidism + occipital neuralgia + trigeminal neuralgia + MS issues). To be at this point where some specialists want to try things and we are capable of making it work is a tremendous blessing. Even if they have been failures so far, at least I'm not done yet. I have much to be grateful for, especially my husband's overtime hours. Sometimes it's hard to find gratitude when every ounce of awareness is focused on pure survival. But, I am reminded of the myriad blessings I have received. Thankfully there have been moments of decent health too.

Just as FALL approaches, I need to follow the archetype deciduous tree that drops its color-changing leaves to cover the cold ground as it bends in the wind. Dig my roots in deeper to absorb any grounding moisture that fell from above. Go with the flow. Instead of crying over the metamorphosis and release, I need to embrace this season of my life and allow the strength of my core to carry me through into the next season. I may symbolically go blue in the face and let the moisture escape my eyes, but at least this year it doesn't feel like acid is staining my face. There IS improvement!

I've thought about it quite a bit the past month and am going to try my own experiment. I detest the feeling of anger. And I haven't been able to shake it like before. So, I'm pulling back and letting go. But instead of leaving a void of missing habits and coping mechanisms, I'm going to try to deal with my pains and implement decent strategies. I've tried for quite some time to numb, distract, ignore, and push away the gnawing negative emotions that come with my 'broken' body. (*If you just judged me for saying broken...you better leave. Leave now. K, not really. But I'm about to be incredibly vulnerable. So, let me just say how I feel before we try to re-frame these thoughts. For now I'm just gonna lay it ALL out there. K? K*)

To be continued...