Saturday Song*Spiration *STITCHES*

While I haven't been able to really sing for a year, I still love music. I listen to it almost daily and especially have grown to love music videos. I am particularly drawn to certain ones that better emulate the emotions or experiences of my new life.

I LOVE Shawn Mendes' STITCHES video!! Love, love, love. I try to explain how I feel with Trigeminal Neuralgia, my surgery, and Anesthesia Dolorosa, but I know it all gets jumbled. I'm a visual learner so I like how his video shows the invisible aspect of the torturous assaults to my body.

TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA (and OCCIPITAL) with the invisible punches. 

ANESTHESIA DOLOROSA with the slamming of his face into a car window. (Except imagine it's happening over and over and over, along with a blow torch, battery acid, knives, sledge hammer, bugs, and an evil dentist with his torture devices. haha)

The part where he is dragged back to the car to have his face smashed in reminds me SO much of being wheeled down the hallway after waking up in surgery. I could hear everything and was completely aware, but I had to work hard to open my eyes and mouth. It was after these movements and moments that the anesthesia dolorosa hit me. Over and over. "Needle and the thread, gotta get you out of my head" makes me think of waking up on the surgical table feeling the needle and burning in my face and skull. I jerked my head and screamed for them to stop. I felt the needle come out and yet felt the sensation as if it was still in. But the lasting effects that stayed with me are the true torture. Gotta get it out of my head in more than just a literal sense of the statement. My husband goes in for surgery in about a week and my PTSD is rearing its ugly head. Thankfully I'm working through it and feel better prepared. (ish)

The message itself may not be specifically relatable to my situation, but the visual is poignant. I also love some of the lines. OH how applicable! {I substituted Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN), Anesthesia Dolorosa (AD), my surgery, hope of relief, and other aspects of my struggles into parts of his lyrics that fit me better}.

"I thought that I've been hurt before {TN, ON, MS, Fibromyalgia, labor for 6 days, gall bladder, cysts on ovaries bursting, arm broken at 10 yrs old with 2 nurses who broke it back into place and then breaking again later that year, concussion, serotonin syndrome, car accident, and emotional pain all pale in comparison to AD}
But {nothing's} ever left me quite this sore
Your {surgery} cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life

Got a feeling that I'm going under {after I woke up they tried to put me under, but I could still talk. After I spoke up and started moving myself from the surgical table to the gurney, they put me under more. I fought to open my eyes and mouth and was able to do so in a short amount of time. They tried another medication but I didn't go under at all}
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my {hope}
Move on

You watch me {cry} until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your {relief}
I'll be needing stitches {figurative}
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your {relief}
I'll be needing stitches

Just like a moth drawn to a flame {all my attempts to deal with Trigeminal Neuralgia}
Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain
Your bitter heart cold to the touch {suicidal, working SO hard to stay alive and find happiness}
Now I'm gonna reap what I sew
I'm left seeing red on my own

Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my {hope}
Move on

Needle and the thread

Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread...
Gonna wind up dead...

Gonna wind up dead

Needle and the thread

Gotta get you out of my head

Get you out of my head

You watch me {cry} until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees 
And now that I'm without your {relief}
I'll be needing stitches {figurative} 
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help 

And now that I'm without your {hope}
I'll be needing stitches {figurative}

At the end, I LOVE how he washes off his scars, blood, and pain and looks up with a healed face. Scars gone. I feel like that will be me at the resurrection. Healed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbfpW0pbvaU

I may be struggling more these days as my body has built up a tolerance to my medications. But I've decided to document the things I'm feeling and what I've experienced to look back on. I am still doing much better than I was the first 2 months after my surgery.

I view my "stitches" as the gifts, cards, messages, texts, comments here, and love that you all have given me. I have not found hope in the medical world lately. My last several doctors' visits left me with little hope. They don't have much more they can do and simple comments of, "We HOPE it goes away or lessens," and "Sorry I can't do much of anything to help," left me a tad empty. But, thankfully it's not all I've put my hope into. <3 <3 <3