Spiders.
Skeletons.
Bats.
Zombies.
Jack-o-Lanterns
Witches.
Poisons.
Black darkness.
Ghosts.
Blood sucking villains.
Death.
The end of October has morphed into a funny little concoction of good and bad. Treats and tricks. Fears and fantasies, as we dress up and look around gawking at some frightful scenes. For me, the end of October is both a wonderful reminder of a blessed moment in my life and a cutesy display of some of my fears.
I remember in Kenya when I spoke with some people in the slums outside of Nairobi and when I sat in a tiny hut of the Masaai on the Masai Mara.
"God gave us the best and the worst."
"You like our roads? (Eye brow raised twice for a 'yes') They make you dance!"
The roads were so bad that you ricocheted all around as your cramped matatu swerved in and out and bounced up and down. But, these insightful people chose to look on the brighter side of things focusing not on the holes, missing pieces, and bumps, but on the positive. Dancing. Joyful. Moving forward. It was how they approached so much of life---looking on the brighter side of life and finding good things that came from bad. While in Mombasa or on safari, I also marveled at the gorgeous horizon speckled with magnificent beasts, glorious colors, and sounds of a variety of monkeys nearby. So much of the BEST! And while in Soweto I saw the sewage running through the streets, the black river nearby, children without parents, shoeless, and toothless chewing on sticks to ward off the hunger pangs. Too much of the WORST! But, they were the happiest people I've ever met as a whole. Their love, joy, and appreciation is something that has stuck with me throughout my life.
I feel like my life has been full of the BEST and some of the WORST (for me). I've lived several nightmares and all of my dreams up to this point. It's been great and it's been hard. But all in all, what has come out of it all has been quite remarkable. I appreciate my opportunities to really conquer some fears.
I used to be afraid of going blind and deaf.
I used to be afraid of dying.
I used to be (*more*) afraid of cockroaches and spiders. (Still a work in progress)
I used to be afraid of losing everything I owned.
I used to be afraid of robbers.
I used to be afraid of being in a wheelchair.
I used to be afraid of being home bound.
I used to be afraid of pain, broken bones, surgeries, doctors, etc.
I used to be afraid of massive debt.
I used to be afraid of being alone.
I used to be afraid of not being a good enough mom or wife.
I used to be afraid of not having enough money to buy food, pay for a home, or utilities.
I used to be afraid of people seeing my worst.
I used to be afraid of opening up to others. Vulnerability
I used to be afraid of ghosts/evil spirits.
I used to be afraid of risk.
I am still afraid of being bedridden or in a retirement home by my 40s.
Overall, it's been hard to face all of those things, but I've come out stronger. I've come to the edge of all or through all of them only to learn of my strength, fortitude, and talents. How could the WORST lead to the BEST?
- Having all of my senses dulled and at times taken away fully (temporarily) has taught me to see more clearly spiritually speaking. I've learned to draw on other senses, read lips (not expert level, but gets me by), feel more, and magnify other gifts that may have been dormant for much longer.
- Starting to die (being on the edge of death twice, actually), taught me that I have nothing to fear, to continue living with zero regrets, and a closeness to God and Christ that I couldn't have learned any other way.
- Ever since we returned to our home after the (*ahem, not-my-favorite*) renter left, we've had cockroaches for the first time. I have a phobia of them and when you add my MS nerve issues wherein my body FEELS like bugs are crawling all over, AND I was bit by a brown recluse...it makes for living a bit of a nightmare for a few months. THANKFULLY, we have eradicated the nasty beasts who shall not be named. My body still feels like bugs are crawling on it and we've found some gigantic orb spiders outside, but facing them regularly has caused me to be less afraid. I've learned some tricks to deal with it as well. Ice packs, sitting on my legs or lying on my arms funny until I can't feel it for a moment, and other such tricks make it more bearable.
- We haven't lost everything we owned, truth be told, because I have angels on earth. Every time we were about to max out our last credit card, have $0 in the bank for months, lose my phone connection (my connection to the world), about to be sent to collections, etc, someone would be inspired to send us money. There were a few friends and family who were SO inspired that I have clung to their notes and memories of generosity with a fierceness I hadn't known before. I KNOW that God is aware of me and hasn't abandoned me because of my angels on earth. Prayers are answered. It may not be in the way we want and not even as extensively miraculous as we imagined, but he definitely is aware! We are doing a lot better now and that anxiety has decreased dramatically. I'm amazed at the happiness and peace you can feel when you have enough food and money for your home and utilities as well as health insurance!
- We were robbed 4 times in less than 2 years and now pay for it even longer than I imagined. But, I've learned things are just things. Peace truly only comes from the Prince of Peace. Everything really is God's anyway, which I hadn't entirely grasped before all of this. He can take it away and give back more than we had before. Others have their agency as well, which can impact our lives in a ripple effect that the victim and offender don't quite see immediately. However, as long as I'm doing my best, all will work out in the end.
- I won't carry on with the rest of the list, but you get the idea. =) As long as you don't become BITTER, God will make you BETTER from the WORST placed in your path.
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| One of the Orb spiders my hubby and daughter have named! He's outside, but intrigues and frightens me. Stretched out he is the size of a peach. But peaches would be WAY better in our backyard. Heck, I'd even name a few of the peaches 'Big Daddy.' |
The last few months have taught me a great deal. My trigeminal and occipital neuralgia are getting worse. The 3rd medication has caused me to gain 25 (TWENTY FIVE) pounds in 2 and a half months. My depression, fatigue, nausea, strength, dizziness, and memory are worse. Scary worse. But, I can't see my neurologist until November. Do you find it funny that PATIENTS and PATIENCE (or being PATIENT) are too connected? I've been a patient of many doctors. Throughout my myriad of tests, surgeries, pin pricks, anxiety induced side effects, and added diseases and specialists, I've had to learn to be patient. This last Sunday a boy I taught Sunday School to returned from his mission to South Africa. He delayed his football acceptance to BYU to fulfill his mission first. He gave a wonderful talk and in between the room spinning, my searing eye and face pains, and nausea, I gathered that he became more patient while serving 2 years in Africa. He shared that patience is "able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious." It hit me like a ton of bricks (I mean my eye feels like that daily, but figuratively speaking...) my anxiety and depression have increased with my Trigeminal and Occipital neuralgia. I'm on my 3rd medication for the severe nerve pain and it's not managing the pains well. I'm getting worse. I have always worked hard with patience wherein I hold back anger and consistently try to find the blessing in the burden. I continually try to give my selfishness to God, but I haven't successfully dealt with my problems or sufferings fully! Instead, I have hidden away because I don't want others to see me in so much pain or me at my worst. My pain ALSO increases when I do ANYTHING beyond my regular routine limiting exertion. So, instead of dealing with my 'pains, delays, problems, and sufferings' by entirely giving them to God, I have let my fear and anxiousness lead the way. I've been trying to take it all on by myself. Which has only lead to isolation and more anxiety. Humph.
Imagine being in labor EVERY day for who knows how long. You are typically at a 4, but get attacks (contractions) leading to a 6 or 8 every day. In fact, the more you do, the faster your pain increases and stays with you. How many people would you invite into your delivery room on a daily basis? How often would you attempt walking the halls of the hospital? Getting out? Doing chores? By the way, you're on the third anesthesiologist and she said, "I'm too busy to see you. Let's wait 2 months and then we'll discuss a fourth attempt at managing the pain." The epidural takes some of the edge off, but you're still in a great deal of pain (I've had an epidural and 5 spinal taps...epidural is way better. haha). P.S. You get no baby from the labor day after day. Yay! =) Honestly, this pain is worse than labor (and I was in labor for several days). It's the only way I can describe my life for the last 2 years, but especially the last year. In the end, I have hidden away and limited myself so much that I was barely living. I was falling back into my zombie phase. Breathing. Eating. Sleeping. Nearly all of my energy was spent in barely surviving and taking care of my daughter. But by trying to avoid pain (at least more pain), I wasn't living.
My friend's recent suicide opened my eyes as to just how much I was barely living. I used to DREAM big. I used to thrive on socializing, throwing parties, serving, offering a listening ear and a helping hand, communicating, achieving goals, and laughing a LOT. But, to continue dreaming and living in my big ways, I figured I needed money and energy, both of which were severely lacking. (We are doing okay now). Don't get me wrong. I have LOVED my life and have found GREAT JOY in very little things. I have enjoyed my husband and daughter immensely DAILY. I simply changed my dreams from BIG to small. But, eventually they were TOO small for me to thrive. I was just avoiding pain and surviving instead of dealing with the pain and thriving. Avoiding death isn't living.
I used to love holidays with a passion few knew. My poor roommates endured all kinds of parties, decorations, and celebrations. One year I even 'made' my roommates celebrate Christmas in July. I made botched versions of pajama pants with my roomie, cut off branches from the apartment coniferous tree out front and attached them to a broomstick for our tree, and had tiny stockings filled with treats from Santa. The other Santa bought a small plastic kiddie pool. What a delight. Or the time I made my roommates do mystery murder dinners, cut down our own Christmas tree, and watch movies in line with the given holiday. Fast forward to the last few years...my hubby isn't into holidays. I knew it before I married him (and he was warned as to my over zealousness). Combine that with my decreasing health and you have a sad display of holiday ho hum. Two years ago I went to the zoo in a wheelchair and planned my daughter's birthday party. But then I was too sick to take her trick-or-treating. The next year we did less for her birthday party and then I struggled but was able to do trick-or-treating. This year my husband has encouraged me to CELEBRATE. For the first time in YEARS (even since my single days), we put out ALL of my Halloween decor! We found a free pumpkin patch and went when the weather was in the 60s. I didn't need my walker or a wheelchair! Sure, I've paid for it, but it was worth it. A few months ago I was living one of my nightmares. This month I'm living one of my dreams. I planned our family Halloween trick-or-treating costumes so I can be a part of it with my walker. We are going LOW KEY on my girl's bday so we can go all out for Halloween and her school bday party. (It was what she was most excited about). We've had everything and planned for a mystery murder dinner party for the past 3 years. But, October has brought issues (robberies, car issues, etc) every year. We've delayed. This year my husband said..."It will be FREE. We can do it. Let's make it happen this year." He and my lil girl have put up everything, we've gotten things ready, and I have so much to look forward to. (He truly spoils me).
Last month, my daughter saw a moth. She gave herself a pep talk: "I not afwaid of you bug! I so bwave! I gonna get you for mommy!" She ran around with a hand towel trying to save her mommy from yet another bug. Lately I've been thinking more about the opportunities I've had to be brave. October has morphed from my BEST and WORST into my BRAVE month. I always tell my daughter how much she is loved. We talk about her day, what was fun and great. But, recently I've been asking her if she had a chance to be brave. Introspectively I ask myself the same.
FACE my FEARS. Don't stop DREAMING. GET my BRAVE on. DREAM on.
And for the times when I feel too weak or afraid, I just remember to HOLD on. Stay in the boat and even though the storm may last, I'm gonna grow stronger. I'll better know my "CAPTAIN of {my} salvation, perfect through sufferings." (Hebrews 2:10)
You may be living one or more of you own nightmares. If you are, first off, I AM SO SORRY! I hope you know you aren't alone and that we can both get our BRAVE on and DREAM on! Thanks to all of you who have loved, supported, called, texted, messaged, been patient with my Facebook break/unplugging, and been there for me. HUGS from a distance!
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