Disgusting? Miraculous? BROWN RECLUSE spider vs the human recluse? BRING IT ON

SOoooOOOO, I'm about to gross you out with the NASTIEST post I've ever shared.

YOU
HAVE
BEEN
WARNED
!!!!

**If you have a phobia of spiders, don't read any further. Go breathe deeply and watch something Disney while thinking only happy thoughts....because I'm about to get REAL.**

It's no surprise to those who've read my posts or who have lived with me know that I HATE bugs. I might even hate bugs more than anyone you've ever known! I detest with a passion that is loud and comical to others. Bless every single roommate and family member who put up with my shrieks, dancing on top of a couch, and your brave annihilation of bugs on my behalf. And bless my wonderful husband who tries to save the ones he can and swoops in like my own personal superman to destroy the villains. And my sweet daughter who breaths deeply, gives herself a pep talk, saying, "I so brave. I not afraid of you bug. I gonna get 'em for you mom!" and off she runs to save the day. Although sometimes she breaks down in tears because that was a bug she liked. She tries to convince me that it was a nice spider or cricket. At least we both agree that cockroaches are evil and must be destroyed. I used to think that the WORST bugs were cockroaches. I actually do have a phobia of them and even have a hard time saying the name or typing it. I'm about 98.7% sure that they aren't going on to the Celestial Kingdom. I have a feeling cockroaches, chiggers, mosquitoes, and now brown recluse spiders are all gonna reside with Satan. You know the whole "fire and brimstone" taunts and terror? Cockroaches have to be somewhere in that nightmare too.

I never thought I'd hate anything more until this past month. It's funny how you don't notice something as often until it impacts you. It's like the proverbial red dot I heard about in psychology classes.

• DO NOT focus on the red dot. This red dot .  Seriously, stop looking at it. Don't think about it. 
• Inevitably you end up focusing on the red dot instead of forgetting about it. That is UNTIL you change your thought patterns by focusing on something else. Then the void and open stage of your consciousness can change paths. Focus on this BROWN dot .

On September 3rd I went to the temple because I was struggling so much with my friend's death and my newer health challenges. Between the twitches throughout my body, pain, weakness, and the incessant feeling that bugs are crawling on my legs or arms, my usual tricks haven't been enough. I decided getting out of the house and serving in a small way was a new trick to take my mind off of my challenges. It was that day that I realized I had been bit and my stomach wasn't happy with my lack of awareness. I didn't think much of it, but as time went on it got worse and worse. Within probably three days, the itching was out of control, the redness and swelling increased and the middle of the bite was an open sore. I still didn't think a whole lot about it because my immune system struggles and I figured it would just get worse before it got better. My philosophy is usually push through it and eventually you'll come out the other end okay. We didn't have money or insurance, so I grinned and bore it. And then it kept spreading-the swelling, red, open sore in the middle, and the itching was spreading beyond the bite all across my torso. My husband saw it through my clothes and said...WHOA! WHAT? I lifted my shirt and he immediately said, "That is a brown recluse spider bite!" I had no clue. I was just waiting for it to heal on its own. 

I wish I had taken pictures of the bite BEFORE the blessing. These have been pictures of the bite AFTER the blessing. You can't tell the scale for sizing either. It grew into the size of my FIST before I got the blessing. After the blessing the redness and swelling/raised skin stopped spreading. The insane itching throughout my torso also decreased over several days instead of spreading like it had before. The pictures aren't great quality and lighting is different in the most recent one. But, you can imagine the disgustingness. Sorry...but I figured you'd wanna see at least the after affects. 

Apparently with brown recluse spider bites, it destroys the tissue and spreads just like mine had.  My mother in law was telling me about someone in their ward who had diabetes, was bit on her foot without realizing it, and had to have it amputated. There were other signs (darker urine, for example) that I just brushed off. My body does weird things and doesn't heal as quickly as others. I had been thinking that day that the pain and itching were a bit too much and was gonna ask for a blessing. My awesome hubby immediately asked if I wanted a blessing. God knew we weren't in the position to go to the doctor or ER (we are now okay though-yay). JUST an anointed priesthood blessing and from then on it continued to heal. The redness that kept growing to the size of my fist had stopped spreading. The middle part of darkened skin that was like an open sore started to scab over by the second day I think (I have a bad memory). It's been ONE month since the spider bite (Sept 3rd) and it's almost all gone. It wasn't until later that I looked up brown recluse spider bites. You HAVE to have a STRONG stomach to see some of those. BLEH. 

The funny thing is that all of a sudden I noticed spiders even more than ever before. I had a spidey sense in the least beneficial way possible. There are these big spiders here who build their massive, dense webs, and it ends up killing the trees (at least that is how it looks). On the way to my friend's memorial, I noticed them ALL over the trees. I couldn't look outside the window. It was grossing me out and my anxiety was creeping up. 

No lie---these trees all along three states were covered in what I thought were spider webs that seemed to usurp life even from the tree itself. It turned out to be a certain type of bug. Either way, nastified!!!!

Having the Priesthood blessing and being on the road to recovery so quickly after the anointing was wonderful. It was a small miracle of healing that may have actually been a BIG blessing. I would love a healing of all of my diseases, but it's not time for that. Knock on wood (but not too much, because that is where those wretched brown spiders often hide), I still have all of my limbs and tissues (minus a gall bladder, but I'm not counting organs.) I AM BLESSED! Small miracles can be viewed through a grateful lens of magnitude beyond our limited comprehension. All miracles lead me to God and his love for me. 

Those dang dots. Did you forget about them? Distracted enough or filled in the gaps enough to not obsess? I've been thinking about my vision, my focus, and my drive. I have not done well at following the WHOLE FOOD, PLANT-BASED way of eating. Sure, I haven't had meat since Easter this year. But, I've indulged too much. I've been placing too much of my worth based entirely on my appearance, that dang number on the scale, and minute details in this way of eating. I couldn't see the BIG picture and let my mind get tangled in webs of lies (about my worth) and a focus so narrow I couldn't see myself or my situation clearly. 

The truth is I have some serious medical issues that make it very hard for me to lose weight or do very simple tasks. I gain weight incredibly quickly and take a very long time to let it go. I've been on and off so many different medications the past 4 years that my body has been blowing up on me. I've learned a lot about myself and God's omnipotence. 

As the spider's venom spread, the wound of entry refused to close or heal, and I tried to ignore it all, things just got worse. I needed intervention. Sometimes I've turned to the medical world (eastern and western medicinal practises) with moderate success depending on the illness. Sometimes I have been able to just bear it and rely on my own fortitude to endure. Sometimes I've only had God and his incredible power on high, the Priesthood, to turn to and have been incredibly blessed. 

This was a physical reminder of God's power and the need for intervention. It was a spiritual reminder as well. People can hurt you or you can hurt people. The venom, hatred, disgust, and poisoning breaks down a person no matter which side of the fight they were on. Sometimes the pain inflicted on us is mild enough we can deal with it on our own or with the help of someone else. Sometimes the wound and pain is so deep that we have to turn to heavenly intervention coupled with our faith to overcome the despair. The nastiness could make or break us and sometimes you've just got to cut the negativity out-whether it's within our own head or our surroundings. For me, my greatest challenge (emotionally) is loving and accepting myself for who I am. I love everyone around me, but have a hard time allowing the same love to spread into my own life. I also wonder if most (or all) of us come to earth with a weakness and even an addiction of some sort. Mine is food/sugar specifically and just as with any addiction, if you try to just avoid and NOT think about it, you may end up sabotaging later. If you don't open your heart and fill it with God's love and Jesus Christ's atonement, you may end up never leaving the addiction or switching to another one like the repulsive spiders change from one branch to another. I guess this past year I'm learning to let the true gardener take control and cut out what can cause me harm. 

I'm so grateful for so many people who lift me up, share in carrying heavy burdens, and dispel darkness when I'm consumed by suffocating stress or depression. 

Hopefully we can focus on what matters most. Not the red, searing pain we experience throughout our mortal experiences. Not the brown, nasty, gross parts of Satan's sad seducing webs of lies. Just on Christ and God. Like Peter who walked on water, lost his view, focused so much on his surroundings and began to drown. I hope to look upward more instead of sideways! Thankfully Christ is always there to clear the cobwebs, lift us from the tossing waves of burden, remind us of our worth, and we can come out stronger, healed, and full of love.

SaveSave