Saturday Songspiration: Prayin' by Ke$ha

This was the first video/song I loved from Kesha. There is a depth of meaning and symbolism I had not seen in her music or many music videos out there. Sadly, she's gone through a lot of horrible struggles that brought out this song. Granted, most of the video I'm sure is intended for Sony and the doctor. It doesn't entirely fit with my situation. But I take the message of, "Hope you're praying," as a personal directive to pray often. Truly, the overall message for myself and the medical world fits to an extent that touched me through this video. I especially can relate to the day of my failed minor brain surgery. Waking up in the middle of my surgery and not being able to go back to sleep felt quite like she starts in both the coffin and the wreckage in the middle of the ocean, the bleak unknown. I also felt like I was abandoned by everyone in the medical world as each of them told me there was nothing more they could do for me. What a blessing prayer has become to me, specifically (not so much anyone else praying for their own soul). When my only options for healing, survival, and communication were through God, prayer became a priceless blessing.

When I first saw this video I thought it was beyond bizarre. But when you consider the pigs to be my anesthesiologist and my neurosurgeon, who stood over me and caused me pain (unintentional), you can see my perspective. I literally thought they were killing me when I woke up on the surgical table. I screamed (as she does), I cried (it felt like acid running down my face), the numbness was unrecognizable, the severity of pain was excruciating, and I worked hard to hide the pain so I could just leave the hospital as soon as possible. As the days went on, I put on my "face" like war paint getting ready for a war (with my own body) every day, facing each moment in a funny death-defying mixture of fear and faith. =) (I know it's a silly paradox to the extreme and they mix as well as oil & water. But there were some ups and downs like the weather in Kansas; one extreme to the other in no time flat). Maybe the pigs are my pains (anesthesia dolorosa, trigeminal, occipital, and geniculate neuralgias, MS, fibro), the net my limitations, the wings like a sparrow God never forgets, the piano symbolic of the healing power of music, the whale a symbol of God's majesty, the colors like a rainbow that comes after the rain and tears, the TVs mixed messages of what really matters, false realities, and where my value stands, and so many more symbols and double meanings.

Thankfully I had a great deal of support from friends and family, learned how to see the color of life in time, and am coming to peace with it all. I am definitely changed and I'm still chained down to an extent. I have a long ways to go. But, just as I started to move my own body from the surgical table, learned to smile, laugh, and talk again despite the pain, and am piecing together my life through prayer, God, and support from angels here on earth and those on the other side, I see a great deal of HOPE and happiness.

When I see this video it inspires me to fight. To go outside more. I've avoided the sun because of what it does to my body. I've stayed inside because of the unpredictability of so many of my diseases, triggers, and attacks. When I watch this I want to pray and then DO something. It inspires me and reminds me that I'm NOT alone, abandoned, or trapped. Peter started to drown and called out. Kesha felt like she was drowning and sang out. I've felt like I'm drowning and I've reached out. The blessings and support have been life-saving. We can be saved and walk like Christ walked with his grace and peace. Above water, facing forward, looking upward, reaching outward.

Also, #freeKesha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Dur3uXXCQ

Blog Post 3 in #40by40