Accept & Grace: New Year's Resolutions

A few years ago my New Year's Resolution was "Simplify." That was the year that the Railroad furloughed us twice and for several months we had no job, no unemployment, no insurance, no money for food, no help, two ER visits, robbed 3 times (another later), and moved several times. It was the year my face and head pains were bad, swelling on top of my head, hair falling out in bald spots, irregular heart beats, and dizziness, nausea, fatigue, and vision problems for both my husband and me. IN ONE YEAR. We almost lost everything twice. Each time I thought we'd maxed out our blessings and credit cards, someone angelic would be inspired to help us and we would have enough to hold our heads just barely above water. We didn't ask for a lot of help (except for the two places we knew you go to for help and were pushed off to wait). Let me tell you WHAT! S-I-M-P-L-F-Y was exactly what I got out of that year.

Last year my focus was, "Hope, Health, and Happiness." HELLO! It was the year from H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Satan used torture I hadn't ever experienced before-even in my dreams. I had never before had worse hope, health, or happiness those first few months than I've had all the other years I've lived. And yet, I'd also never had more help in many different forms from angels here on earth or the other side of the veil. I had more hope in some areas that then spread like a blanket over the suffering, darkness, and cold of all my trials together. I've always believed there is a God. I've known him, to an extent, even as a little child. I believe in His omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. What I've struggled with (my whole life) is trusting that He wants me to have the desires of my heart and happiness NOW instead of just in the next life. It's easy for me to see others needing help, being lovable, having their dreams come true, and being a 'work-in-progress.' But, for me I have always expected perfection. I have had a twisted sense that if I do EVERYTHING right, THEN I get blessings. If I have struggles, it is because I haven't done enough. (Again, not that I think that for anyone else. It's simply my knee-jerk reaction and muddled thought process.)

I used to think that GRACE was some ambivalent word that was hard to grasp. In a matter of speaking, I figured it came down to:

ME (gives 85% good, 15% bad choices).
  +
CHRIST (gives 100% good, takes on my 15% bad).

=100% good after Judgement Day. Good enough to move on up. Check.

I.E. Christ makes up the difference.

Christ DOES make up the difference, but not in a check list or gigantic good vs. bad righteousness scale. I don't think it will come down to a situation where God is sitting in a massive, floating bench with a gavel, Christ with a checklist counting off all the good deeds I did compared to all the bad things I did/thought/said/etc and angels in the courtroom biting their nails waiting for the number analysis of an enormous spreadsheet. I thought as long as the number of good is even just ONE above the other, those pearly gates will open. My young brain imagined a scenario where IF I repented of 100 bad choices (wiped clean), decided to not use the gift of Christ's atonement on 98 bad choices, and only made 97 good choices, then the total comes to 1 extra bad choice more than the good. BANISHED. No Celestial Kingdom for you. Shoot. Close one. (This is a gross oversimplification, but the simplest way to explain it.)

What I've come to realize is that justice and mercy are both vital to judgement and the next chapter of our souls. There is no doubt that the ONLY way back to God is THROUGH CHRIST. But, there is so much more to the equation than JUST Judgement Day.

GRACE here is less than a checklist of actions, but more of  WHO I BECOME WITH the help of CHRIST. He makes up the difference not only AFTER I've done everything I can, but DURING each and every step and choice I make. He walks with me and even carries me at times when I simply cannot move an inch. He provides comfort to my screaming daughter who simply can't understand why her mother can't hold her. He takes my disabilities and makes it a good thing for both of us. He helps me find resources and inspires me with methods to communicate with my husband when talking is too excruciating. He takes away some of the pain OR fills me with more strength to keep going with each prayer offered by me or on my behalf by someone else. His grace is what makes up the difference all along the way. And all of my missteps, falls, and weaknesses He can make better as long as I accept the help. Instead of beating myself up for not being enough until I reach my death bed, I can be kinder to myself and allow Him in.

Brad Wilcox (who is super nice, btw) explained GRACE as an analogy of piano lessons, which I'll apply here to my own life:

My dear aunt Liz paid for me to take piano lessons when I was young. We only had the simplest keyboard for me to practice on and I loved it. When I started learning chords, I went to the church to use their piano. Then my mom paid for piano lessons and we got a real piano. The lessons got harder and my love for the piano waned. Brad explains that Christ's arrangement is like a mom who provides music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher. Since Mom pays the debt in full, she can then ask her child for something--> practice. "Does the child's practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom's incredible gift. It is how <she> takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving <her> to live <her> life at a higher level. Mom's joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used-seeing her child improve...If the child sees Mom's requirement of practice as being too overbearing," (for example: Mom! Why do I have to practice? None of the other kids have to. I just want to pass this level on my video game!), the child may not yet see how this improvement will benefit her/him so much more than video games. "Practice isn't punishment or payment, but change."

In the same way Jesus paid justice and requests, "Follow me," (Matt 4:19) and "Keep my commandments." (John 14:15) (His Grace is Sufficient, Brad Wilcox)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen has written, "The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must 'repay' him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior's help, leads us along the path to a saintly character." (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).



This year I actually did some research and decided my focus is ACCEPT and GRACE.

My placards expired in December. In 2016 I had a lofty goal of NOT being so disabled by the end of 2017. Psha. After breaking one placard and the other flying out the window (I was trying to get a fly out and instead my placard flew away), I decided to accept it. Not the fly. I just accepted the handicap assistance. 

This is my year to ACCEPT that I've got to figure out various ways to do ordinary things. I am the exception to many physiological rules most people's bodies abide by in their 30s. This simply provides me more opportunities to decide what really matters and sometimes see what some may miss. I've had some great chances to grow, learn, simplify, find hope, focus on health, and realize where true happiness lies.

BUT. . . . IF this year of acceptance and grace turns out to be another year from Hades, then by George, 2019's year of focus is going to be CRUISE.