Not QUITE what I expected

I wonder what I was like before I came to earth. Since I am an idealist, through and through, I'm guessing I was beyond excited and hopeful before I entered this mortal realm. I wonder if I thought it would be easy. I wonder if God and I sat down and mapped out what I'd accomplish in this life (I think so). But, as we mapped it out, how many details were really shared? Was I naive or truly aware, brave, and willing to take it all on?

We've all seen the following picture via the www

 I think the water part is parenthood.

I loved kids and all I wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember. I was a day care teacher, case manager, nanny, elementary school teacher, babysitter, and the oldest of 6. 

I figured I had a good idea of what I was getting into and was jealous of those gals who got to BE a mom beginning in their 20's. I wasn't one of those who HAD to bear my own child. I looked into adoption and foster care as a single gal and loved kids so much. 

But, having MS and being single works against ya when you're looking into foster care. 

So, I moved ahead on that bumpy, rough road of life. 

I was fine with people who said they couldn't stand being home and had to work for their sanity. I was fine with people who wanted lots or only a few kids. I knew we were all different with different strengths. But, I figured I was in the 'other' group. The group of ladies who wanted 8-10 kids and couldn't wait to stay-at-home-all-day cherishing the cherubs God sent to me (through adoption, foster care, or birth). I loved planning themed parties for my roommates. I loved giving gifts, teaching the gospel, and working with kids. I figured I would do the same, but with a lot more time and love devoted to wee lil ones. 

And then I got pregnant. And still taught/lesson planned 12-14 hours a day. MS and pregnancy do NOT go well in my body. Ohhhh, it was rough. Then I had my angel. And we both didn't sleep much at all for 5 weeks, until we discovered her silent gerd (acid reflux). Then we experimented with formulas, I returned the expensive hospital grade breast pump, and tried to readjust to this new lil bundle of Pterodactyl screams, constipation, smiles, coos, and Zzz resistance. The time went too quickly before I was back to teaching. In some ways it was easier to stay home with my baby. In other ways it was much easier to leave her with my sister or babysitter and focus on teaching. Socially I didn't think I was very fulfilled. Mentally I was exhausted. Physically I was drained. Spirituality was very different now that a baby ruled my time and I had to try VERY hard to fit in time for scripture reading or attending all 3 meetings when I was so sick and in pain. Financially we had all kinds of bills and things draining our bank account. I was sure that once I retired from teaching, things would be better. More time to spend with friends. More time to read or create. More time to rest and exercise on my terms. More time to read the scriptures and serve in the church. I would feel more connected and great success as I brought up a daughter of God. Everything I had envisioned would finally be able to come to fruition. 

And then I moved across the country and became a stay-at-home mom (with MS). Having work is stressful and exhausting. But, you feel success daily, usually. You can check things off and move on. You may have to come back, but for me, I had a restart every year. I saw progress relatively quickly. I didn't think I had any social life, but looking back, a lot of socialization happens through work. It may not be chillin' with your Friends at the local hang out day in and day out. BUT, typically you talk, discuss, laugh, cry, and interact with more than 2 people on a daily basis. When you work, mentally you are divided and pushed. But, there is a sort of thrill that comes from being able to manage. You are challenged constantly to find new solutions and they come with success. When you stay-at-home with a baby, you do the challenging mentally. Or you're challenged because you feel like you'll go mental trying to figure out how to squelch the screams of an irrational, non verbal child. When you work, you inevitably feel stretched and stressed. I used to think we didn't have much money and stressed over things like medical bills and a house that hadn't sold. Ooooh, I was clueless. While we're not poverty stricken, money is a struggle. To live off one income, for most people, you have to sacrifice and struggle. Our health coverage is almost 1/5 of our income. Taxes and utilities are double what they were in Utah. To stay at home, I thought it would be less stressful and I would have oodles of time to devote to crafty creations and enlightening interactions with my baby all day long. But, to make cutesy, crafty creations, you have to have money and energy. I am lacking in both. A lot of my day is repetitive cleaning and soothing. We spend a good amount of time on singing, reading, and learning. But, I noticed that I was focusing too much of what I SHOULD do. I was so focused on what I thought being a stay-at-home mom would entail, that I was driving myself a little crazy. 

No T.V. until it's husband/wife time. (We just have Netflix)

Regularly Clean the Kitchen. Dining Room. Living Room. Bedroom. Bathroom. 

Teach colors, numbers, and signs for various words in English and a few in another language (we tried Italian, French, and Japanese). 

Read often to my baby. Play music. Talk about everything to increase verbal skills.

Unpack the house.

Organize closets.

Make a cute craft each month, plus a wreath for each season or holiday.

Make each holiday fun and exciting with traditions.

Read 1 book per month.

Family Home Evening.

Schedules followed with eating and sleeping. 

Eat healthy.

Lose weight.

Develop talents.

etc, etc, etc

My MS makes it so I really can't do a lot of extra things. I can pick up my baby several times, clean 2-3 times a day, and sometimes when I've had 2-4 hours of sleep multiple days in a row, I turn on the Netflix and just sit. It will probably take me a year to unpack my home because all of my strength goes to the basics. Change diapers. Dress us both. Clean up messes. Put the baby down. Laundry (did I mention our washer can only handle 3 towels at a time and it takes about 2 hours to dry those 3 towels)? Eat. Pray. Finally sleep. Every once in a while I get to read, do some craft, or organize. But, most of the time I just focus on my little one. Sometimes that means sitting in front of a fan with ice packs around me as I ask my baby to come to me with a book. 

I know it's just a season. I LOVE parts of this season. The hugs, kisses, new words discovered, laughs, dance moves, exploration, and the fact that she can't climb on the kitchen counters yet. I don't hope that this part will speed by, because I may only be able to have one child. If that is what God plans, then it's what is best for us. BUT, the tantrums and Sunday wrestling/chasing fiasco are some parts I will not miss. It is simply different than I expected. I miss working so much more than I ever anticipated. I am one of those moms who misses working terribly. I am one of those moms who plays the "What IF" game too often. (I.E. "What if I didn't have MS? I could dance today. I could lift her more often. I could clean more daily. My house would be unpacked by now. My husband would have to do less."). 

In the end, I wouldn't change my life. I wouldn't go back to work. I wouldn't have married earlier. I wouldn't wish for a different child, different stage, or different home. BUT, I would (and need to) change my perspective of what SHOULD be and what I expect (to feel, to be, to accomplish). I'm doing better with perfectionism, simplifying, and being present. I still have work to do, but I'm improving. 

Life is great. It is NOT what I expected. I need God every hour, certain days, to teach me how to help my lil babe. I suppose that is what it is all about. Every challenge or trial I've faced has been harder than I expected or wanted to deal with, but exactly what I needed. Good comes from any situation where I have God at the helm.  (And thank goodness for my wonderful husband to carry the burden. My props to single moms!!!!!)

I LOVE MY LIFE. But, there are moments when I look back and remember little things I should have been more thankful for in past seasons or stages of my life. I know this stage will be the same. I try to soak in the great times and fleeting moments that are so unique to our situation right now. I have one baby to focus on right now with a wonderful, supportive husband. Instead of being like Lot's wife and looking back so longingly that I miss what is ahead (and get smoked in the process), I'll just remember that JUST BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S EASY. SACRIFICE WITH GOD AT THE HELM WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT. Parenthood is hard and that is okay. Things are good. Things are great. Our lives come in seasons. I'll grow, love, and learn. 

**I don't mean to complain. I hope you, the reader, didn't take it that way. I know I am blessed and feel for those who would love to be in my position. I have been on the other side, annoyed by some mother crying, "Whoa is me," when all I wanted to do was trade places. I just wrote this to say, sometimes it's not what you expect. All stages/seasons have their pros and cons. I just didn't expect certain feelings to be so predominant.**