Confession::: I'm a recovering perfectionist. I've known some who have it worse than me and many who don't have it as bad as I do. MS insists that you cannot be a perfectionist...and that may not be such a bad thing.
I know I am supposed to learn things in this life to perfect my eternal self and transform me into who I was always meant to be. My weaknesses, if I will let them, mold, refine and form me into my whole self. Being WHOLE, TRUE, and at PEACE in this life can come in doses. Waves, really. But, I am starting to think that aiming for perfection in this life is not beneficial or maybe even obtainable...at least for me.
Let me go back a few years...and then some...
When I was a baby crawling towards something dangerous/not-for-me, my parents would say, "NO!" and I would listen. I'd stop and would redirect. When I was a two year old, I helped with dishes, making my bed, putting away clothes, and a variety of other chores. As I grew, I continued wanting to be perfect. I turned 8 and wanted to maintain the cleanliness and perfection that comes with this special covenant. I prayed, cried and conversed with my parents wondering how they obtained their testimony of the gospel, and gained my own as a young child. I didn't fight with my younger siblings, obeyed my parents, prayed daily, fasted a little, and then faltered when I yelled at my brother. NOT pErFeCt. I remember the feeling of complete failure and dread a few days (or maybe it was hours) after my baptism. I was completely disappointed in myself and my plan to get through this life NEVER messing up was foiled. Looking back, it is laughable that I was so crushed when I finally succumbed to such a minor imperfection. God didn't expect me to be perfect from 8 to 80. But, as a little 8 year old, I fully intended to do so. I learned about the atonement and took that eternal concept to heart. I grew and tried to get the best grades and in the least possible trouble. I was modest, covered my ears (and hummed) when there was an inappropriate song on the radio, never drank caffeine, swore twice (once was on accident and the other time was under my breath), played volleyball horribly, attended seminary (ditched once in 4 years and vowed to never do it again), read the entire Bible and Book of Mormon, received my YW in Excellence Award, gave service in church and my community, never watched a rated R or PG-13 movie, and tried to be as honest as possible. I stood up for my beliefs, worked hard at my job, and always put on a happy face, even though I dealt with depression. I graduated #24 or #26 in my class of nearly 800 seniors (GPA of 4.025 with AP classes). I worked and saved enough for college and got two scholarships to attend a college that taught less than my high school. I lived on my own and continued as if I still lived under my parent's house. (I was finally allowed to watch rated PG-13 movies and watched several, but then felt too guilty and gave that up). I exercised like crazy, developed friendships, and was RS president to 135 girls when I was 19. I certainly hadn't been perfect my whole life, but I had this warped view that if I could be perfect, I could get blessings. If I messed up, I'd be cursed for who-knows-how-long. Most of what I did was fueled by obligations and fears, not because of love.
And then I got MS. Or it got me. And I was single for a long time. And I kept praying, having faith, and trying to be perfect, but my major prayers weren't being answered. Little prayers and guidance in myriad ways occurred. But, I was baffled by imperfect people getting the things I wanted most desperately (good health, marriage, babies/kids) as I kept moving along. Some friends were on their 2nd and 3rd marriages when I couldn't even find one decent date. Some roommates could eat WHATEVER they wanted and they wouldn't gain weight. I decided I was just one of the few who was unloved, unloveable, and unworthy. I was broken.
I couldn't see or hear, quite literally, from time to time. I couldn't feel, from time to time. I woke up with huge bruises for no reason. I got stabbing pains, dizzy, nauseous, and pain in general that I couldn't explain. I gained weight, medical bills, and eventually received answers to my complex ailments. I started to see myself, those around me, and my strict perfectionism and unrealistic expectations in a clearer light.
Life can be that way, don't you think? At times you don't see or hear clearly, whether it's this physical world or the world on the other side of the veil trying to come through. Sometimes we can't feel and other times we force ourselves to NOT feel, from time to time. Sometimes we get beat up, emotionally, physically, socially, financially, ....and can't explain why. But, those are the times we grow, stretch, and learn. Spiritually, we may feel off kilter, but as long as we never 'jump out of the boat' and safety of the gospel, we will ALWAYS be GOOD. I developed a greater understanding of the atonement, God's love for ALL of His children, and a depth of faith I hadn't quite grasped when I thought I had the 'happiness formula' down. My naive understanding was that Prayers + Faith + a perfect life of following ALL the Rules = 'YES' answers to anything you desire (which would OBVIOUSLY result in supreme happiness). Can you imagine a world with people who were always told, "Yes," to any desire as long as they followed the rules? Have you known spoiled children who are never told, "No?" Satan's plan truly would have failed in this life and in the next.
I once heard someone say, "Would you ever berate a child for falling when they're just learning to walk?" I scoffed in my head, wondering where she was going with the ridiculous concept. "Would you tell a child to give up, scold them, or throw your arms up in disgust?" NO! "Do you expect a child to walk perfectly the first time? The third time? The twentieth time?" ...
...I was starting to get it...
God doesn't expect us to get it perfect the first time either. Instead he stretches out his arms to us, gives us encouragement and whispers, "You can do it! Try again."
I taught my students that same principle (minus the religious context) and always told them that 1) It doesn't have to be perfect, they just have to try. 2) They cannot compare themselves to anyone else. Instead they need to try to be better than they were yesterday, last week, or at the beginning of the year. 3) If they ever expressed a sense of negativity regarding their abilities or overall view of themselves, they had to list 3 good things about themselves immediately. If they struggled, I told them at least 3 things I observed with regard to their 'awesomeness.'
I didn't expect my students to be perfect. I don't expect my husband to be perfect. I don't expect my daughter to be perfect. So, why in the world, do I expect myself to be perfect?
Hmph.
Time to stop.
I'm saving perfection for the next life.
MS and motherhood are hard. MS, motherhood, and perfectionism are impossible in this life. So, I'm just going to take my own advice. I'm going to NOT compare myself to others. I'm going to try to do better than I did last week or at the beginning of motherhood. I'm going to rejoice in my accomplishments, as I praise the Man above. If I stumble, falter, lie down in exhaustion, or cry a little because I was hurt, so be it. But, I won't wallow in pity, give up, or hang my head in shame. I'm gonna shake it off, get up and get going!
I can do some things really well and some things poorly.
Such is life; at least in the mortal sense, right?
It's time we started giving ourselves the leeway we gave ourselves when we were newborns and growing toddlers, recently departed from our perfect Father in Heaven. As my baby waddles around the house, mimicking me in too many ways, I see her persistence, confidence, and fortitude. I rejoice in the tiny new discoveries and new milestones she reaches. She falls and gets hurt, but that is when she learns how to do it right the next time. I don't expect her to start running any day now. I expect that she will learn day-by-day; quite literally, step-by-step.
Here's to 2014's attempts at MS, motherhood, redefining this stay-at-home-KS-mother's identity, and taking back even just a little more of my health. I most likely won't lose as much weight as I set out to shed. I most likely won't be able to take my daughter to the library EVERY week. I will probably falter on days with my healthy eating goals. There's a good chance that I may have to take a quick pinterest or fb break a few times a week...er, day. But, I'm definitely not going to give up or hang my head in shame if I struggle!
I WILL BE PRESENT. I WILL REJOICE. I WILL SIMPLIFY.
I will stop being my own, worst critic. I will view myself as my Father in Heaven sees His little girl and STOP giving Satan a screaming section in my head.
